3 years on

Dear Ryan, and esteemed members of HGRPG,

So I promised myself I would do one of these things every year because I like going back and seeing what type of person I was back then and then seeing the growth.

Of course, this might be a little out of the left field, but I have quite a few feelings about what has gone on for the last year for me here.

To think that I would be here now, three years later. This is the longest I have ever been with an RP community and I still dont look back and think about my decision to create that account. This community has everything I have always wanted out of a site. People who root for me on the regular, people who make me feel good about my writing, people who can actually challenge me and help me excel a things that I never thought I would.

---

To think that I am now going on a year as a staff member, and I think about all the work I have done with the advertising team and just cant help but be proud of us. We have been able to slice out a little piece and share it with the internet, and we have grown more than we can even imagine. I never thought I would have been tapped when I was, and I for one, am so grateful that Aya and Kay both gave me the chance to be apart of something more.

Three years is a long time, I know this, but I dont regret them, and having this responsibility has given me something to work towards and strive for. I am always looking to innovate, but even when my ideas might get a little cray, I know I can rely on great people to keep my on the ground. And so to my fellow advertisers, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

---

Of course, I cant say it has all been perfect, but I have been able to learn from the hard, and turn it into something more than just pain. I know a lot of you know that I really do get invested into my characters, and I have always had a hard time realizing that I am going to have to let them go. To the people that have ben able to understand and offer me support or an ear to cry too, I appreciate you, because with out you, I might have given up on the thrill of the games. I am trying to learn to be paitent with myself, and to let things come as they happen instead of reacting too passionately to things.

This past year has been the year of too much passion to me. I know this sounds like a bad thing, but I mean that in the sense that I am and need to learn that it is okay to be a passionate person like I am, but that I personally need to realize that I am not the only person that goes through these types of emotions.

I want to let you know that if I have rubbed off on you in the wrong way because of this, I am sorry. It was never my intention, and sometimes I just dont realize it because of tunnel vision will always be my downfall. Id hate for that to be the reason why there has been distance. Im not saying there is right now with anyone in particular, but I just wanted to state in general.

---

I know well that I should apologize to myself as well, for letting myself get wrapped up in things that I might have blown out of proportion. I know I have a right to just let myself feel in the moment, but there should have been better ways for me to figure out a way to cope then how I felt I handled some situations. I need to learn to take a break (no matter how long or short) and that it is okay to want to do that. That doing so will not make me look like I am weak, but instead realizing that it makes me human, and that it is okay to be human.

---

As I said, this is a letter to document my past years experience, but it also, as I am coming to realize, is a way for me to apologize to myself, and tell myself and others that read it, that we are valid and that we are talented, beautiful, and rare creatures.   That even when there is self doubt, there are people willing to still cheer you on.

I am happy to say that I have found that, and that if you all ever need someone to be a cheerleader, I am always here to do that. I am my own champion, but I also want to rally behind you all and make sure that you guys know you are also champions, and tht I love you all so much for just dealing with me. I know I am not a nuisance (even though my own crippling self doubt seems to always find a way to self sabotage) but that I am just human and its okay to be human.

---

Anyway, now that that dribble is over, I want to thank you guys for an amazing three years on this site, and honestly, I hope that I can have another amazing three years and even then some. This community is my home away from home, and I wouldnt have it any other way. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Time to stop this here because I know well that I could go on for years if I wanted too.

With so much love and admiration
Ryan.