Shouldn't Have Played with Fire [Ena]

The past few days have been… rather interesting. Hadena finally took the hint, and has left me to my own devices, which I was grateful for at first, but then I promptly realized that I had no fucking clue what I was doing. After just a few days on my own, several sheep have turned up missing or dead, half of them are starving, I’m up to my knees in shit, quite a few of the fences need to be repaired, and all the water troughs need to be completely emptied and thoroughly scrubbed. I’ve tried getting a handle on all the problems, but once one thing is fixed, something else is falling apart. I am desperately trying to keep my head above the flood of chores, but it’s only a matter of time before I get tired and sink down down down, into the dark abyss from whence there is no return and I lose the farm.

I rub my temples, and stare at the tiny black scribbles written across the paper in front of me. My foggy brain does not comprehend anything it’s seeing, which is makes paying the bills unnecessarily hard. It’s just been so long since I’ve slept that I can’t focus. But I need to, Goddamnit! I need to know just how indebt I’m in, so I can decide what and what not to buy. I growl in frustration and squint my eyes at the dancing squiggles on the page, begging them to make sense.

Okay. This isn’t working, Maybe if I sleep for an hour, I can come back and it will magically make sense. Yes. That’s what I’ll have to do.

I stand up, swaying a bit, and stumble away from the desk and flop onto my bed. As soon as I close my eyes, I see all the things I still have left to do. Look at the sheep with the pronounced limp, make sure the lambs are nursing okay, double check the feed, take the sheep out to pasture, make sure they get back in their pins, jury-rig the fence on the northern border before a more permanent fix can go up, and pay the fucking bills. How can I sleep with all these things clamoring for attention in my head? I can’t.

I sit up and run my hands over my face wearily, trying to gather the resolve to get through just a few more chores. Nope. Can’t do it. I decide once again to sleep for at least a little while, and fall backwards against the pillows. I feel myself being dragged under, inches from unconsciousness when I hear a terribly loud banging on the door. I groan and roll over, automatically assuming it’s Hadena coming over to berate me on the state of the far. But the knocking continues, gaining frequency and volume with each passing second, becoming banging rather than knocking. Asshat.

I slowly crawl out of bed, grumbling all the while. I take my sweet time making myself presentable out of spite. No one rushes me! I’ll answer the door on my own time (These small victories are what keep me sane). “Shut the fuck up! I hear you!” I shout at door rattling in its frame. But I seemed to have only egged Hadena on because the banging increases tenfold. Fuuuuuck, shut up! One of my biggest pet peeves is obnoxiously loud repetitive noises, and this definitely fits in that category. Holy shit it’s pissing me off.

I throw open door. “What the fuck is your probl-“ I was ready to launch into a whole tirade, but my brain went dead at the sight of my uncle Richard, not Hadena, standing at the door. I’m sad to admit that I stood staring at him with my mouth agape like some halfwit for a good second, before I recovered. “What are you doing here?” I growl at him, and make to slam the door in his face, but he stops it with a hand. “Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. We need to talk.” He shoves on the door, wanting to come in. It takes everything in me not to manhandle him outside and leave him in the cold. I step back, and l let him in.

A silent battle of dominance ensues. I refuse to invite him to sit, or offer him anything to drink, forcing him to awkwardly stand next to the sink, tealess, looking around like he is lost. But the clever bastard counters by not saying one word, trying to get me to say something first and give him the upper hand. Oh I think not, old man! I am not that easily outdone. I smile at him brightly and leave him standing in the kitchen alone. I go to my room, and shut the door behind me, cackling inwardly. I sit at my desk and wait for him to suck up his pride and come to me like a dog. Oh, how I do love being petty. I just wish I could see his baffled expression.

He comes in a minute later, eyes flashing angrily. He must have thought that I was coming back. Oh, how it must have angered him when he realized that I had no intention of returning. I snicker. “I don’t have time for these games, Sentinel!” He roars at me, chubby cheeks twitching with indignation. “And I don’t have time for you.” I say crisply, turning away from him and busying myself with the papers on my desk. “It seems we are both short on time, so if you would just get to the point.” I’m winning this game of dominance, I am. I’ve forced him to come to me, and made him lose his cool.

“What are those papers there, Sentinel? Bills perchance?” His voice floats over my shoulder, all coy and self-satisfied. Oh that devious motherfucker wants to wage an all out war? Fine. I’m up for some fun. I stretch my mouth into a condescending smile, and turn around to face him. “No, Dick. These here are letters for your dear wife thanking her for the lovely night I spent inside her.” I say completely deadpan. There is a moment’s silence, where Richard is completely baffled. Then I see the exact moment when the meaning of what I said sinks in. His eyes go wide with shock, and his jaw slackens. I burst out laughing. “Oh god, gross. Could you imagine? Oh wait, you can! Eww! I’d never do that to her. Oh course these are bills, silly! What else would they be?” I wave the whole thing off, like it was just a good-natured joke among friends. I chuckle and turn back around to handle the papers, completely secure in my victory.

“Your father sold me the farm.”

What?

What did he just say?

How can one simple sentence tear everything from me? It can’t! It can’t.

Adrenaline runs a burning course through my body, tightening my muscles, coiling my body, readying for a fight or flight. My heartbeat thrums in my ears, singing of my fear; my breath comes out in sharp staccato, announcing my panic. My words are all jumbled up on my fumbling tongue, and my brain is frantic for a way out, any way out. Anything but this. I look down at the papers grasped in my hands, the papers with the numbers that don’t add up, that say that I’m not making any money, only losing it. There isn’t a way. There just isn’t.

Well, there was one way out. And my father found it. He took the coward’s way out. He sold the farm. He sold the fucking farm. He just washed his hands of the place. The place that’s been in his family since forever, the place that my mother gave up everything for, the place that I grew up in. How could he? How could he do this to me? He didn’t even tell me! How could he let me fight to keep the farm afloat when he was just planning on selling it? Why would he do that to me? Was this punishment for leaving?

“Sentinel? Did you hear me? This is my property now.”

That bastard’s voice is all it takes for my shivery fear to turn into all out hatred. I stand up abruptly and turn around to face him. I must look murderous because when he sees my expression he backs away nervously. “Get out.” I growl like a cornered animal. I can see him gathering his resolve. “Your father and I have taken care of everything. All you need to do is pack up and leave.” I think I’m going to throw up. Shitshitshit. Is this really happening? “I don’t believe you.” I say rather meekly, the fire in my veins sputters and die out. He gives me a sneer. “You don’t need to. All you need to do it get out.” I clench my teeth. “I heard you before.” I snarl and step toward him. He steps back. “Obviously not. You are still standing there staring like some idiot. I said get out, and I mean it.”

I look around at my room. It has a bed and a desk and a chest of drawers. There are random trinkets from my childhood scattered about, disused and forgotten. It’s nothing special, but it’s mine. It’s the one place in the world where I know I belong. It’s where I grew up… It was my home. How can it be his, when it is mine? “But... What are you going to do with it?” Richard’s eyes glint evilly, he has won and he knows it. But I don’t care about that anymore. I’m suddenly very fearful of my future. “Well, I was going to let you keep it. You are after all my sister’s son. But since you like being such an insolent brat, I’m just going to sell it back to the Capitol.” His words are like a punch to the gut. I have to stop myself from doubling over. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe.

I try not to believe him. I can’t for the sake of my own sanity. The thought that if I wasn’t such a terrible person I could have kept my farm was just too much for me to handle. Nononono. He is just being a dick. He is trying to get back at me for taking a dig at his wife. He is lying. He probably would have sold the farm off to the Capitol whether or not I was an insolent brat or not.

That doesn’t make me feel any better.

“Please…” I begin, but can’t make myself go on. Can I do it? Can I lay my dignity to rest and plead with this monster? I open my mouth to continue, but he stops me with a wave of his hand. “Don’t bother. Although it would please me greatly to see you grovel, I just don’t have the patience.” So there’s no chance then. In just a few short moments my life has ended. I can’t believe this is actually happening. How… Just how?!

I can’t believe father actually went to this man and sold our home. Richard was the brother of my mother. He hated her, and us, when she left the city to marry my dad. Richard thought that my mother deserved better, that she shouldn’t have married so below her station. He had thought my father was worthless, and he had made it clear that we weren’t considered their family. So why was he doing this? Was it purely revenge? What kind of sick person would do that?

Oh dear. The anger is back.

With a snarl I throw myself at him. I land hard against his chest, and we tumbled backwards, landing against a wall. “You fucking bastard!” I yank on his collar, jerking him forward, and then slam him back against the wall. “I swear I will fucking kill you for this.” I say through clenched teeth. I stare him down, watching his pupils expand rapidly from his fear. I give him a maniacal grin. “Oh, but not today. Not today.” I coo, patting his cheek in a mock comforting manner. “I think I’ll let you fester for awhile, hm?” I let go of him and start smoothing down his rumpled clothing. “You’ll go back to your wife and kids today, glad to have made it out of here alive. But you’ll soon realize that you aren’t entirely safe. You still ruined a person’s life. A dangerous person. Someone who doesn’t have a thing in the world to lose. Surely he won’t let me get away with this, you’ll think to yourself. You’ll start looking over your shoulder. You’ll get nervous walking down a dark alleyway alone. You’ll check on your children at night to make sure no one has smothered them in their sleep. But then, you’ll forget. You’ll become complacent once more. And when you are happy and content with life…” I grab the knot of his tie and straighten it calmly. “I will fucking rip everything you care away from you. Then I will slowly and methodically kill you.” I cackle like a mad man and turn away from him. I clench my hands into fists to hand the fact that they are shaking.

“I want you out of here right now.” Richard says in a low voice. I assume he is trying to scare me. “If I ever see you again –“ I cut him off with a look. “Yeah, yeah.” I say tiredly, not intimidated in the slightest. I didn’t mean a word I said to him, but he doesn’t know that. I just wanted to give him a few sleepless nights.

I spend the next few minutes packing what little belongings I have into a backpack, all under the watchful, albeit a little fearful, eye of Richard. His mouth is twisted like he has shit smeared under his nose, and he stands like he is clenching something between his ass cheeks. Uptight prick. If I ever do get a chance to pay him back, I will take it in a heartbeat. “Okay that’s enough. You can come back for the rest later.” He grunts after awhile. I think about challenging him. All I would have to do is act crazy again, and I think I could have him peeing his pants. But... What’s the point? I just want to curl up somewhere and sleep and sleep and sleep.

Though, my house is being taking away right at this very moment, so I don’t have anywhere to curl up. I feel an overwhelming sadness crushing down on my on all sides. It’s a terrible thing to realize that you have nowhere to belong. Nothing to connect you to this earth. I clutch at my stomach, thinking once again that I was going to throw up. I don’t look at Richard as I brush by him, and I don’t look back as I stumble through the halls with pictures of my family lined up on the wall and trip through the kitchen that held so many family dinners. I practically throw myself outside and run down the road. I needed to be away from the farm that was no longer mine.

I stray thought stops me in my tracks, almost tripping me up from the suddenness. My mother’s grave. Okay, I didn’t feel like crying before, but I sure as hell do now. I sit down cross-legged and put my head in hands, fighting to stay in control. I’ll never be able to see my mom again. I take in deep, shuddering breaths, trying to calm myself down. Her grave is at the corner of the property, it will be easy enough to sneak on and visit, right? Yes. That’s what I have to tell myself before I have a mental breakdown. I stand back up and continue to trudge down the road, wanton.

Just when I’m deciding if a ditch would be a suitable resting place, I remember my dear old childhood friend Hadena. I get a glimmer of hope that is then quickly strangled by the memory of her kicking me in the nads. Shit. I was awful to her. Would she really take me in? I mean, it would only be for a little while, and she had been so fucking hell bent on helping me before, so. Really, she’s the only thing I have left. Mom’s dead, I’m disowning my father, and the farm was taken. Well shit. I have been a complete dick to her.

I’ll have to give her a peace offering. At the moment I can only think of one thing that would be sufficient, and that involves going back to the farm. I steel myself, and turn back the way a came. As I get closer to my former home, I leave the road and hop a fence so I enter the sheep’s pasture. Using everything I can for cover, I make my way slowly toward the barn that is just a few yards from the house.

I crouch behind a scruffy bush, the last form of cover between me and the barn. I’d have to run for it and prey that Richard is either gone or not looking outside. I look at the windows, and seeing no one, dart for the barn. I make it inside with anyone yelling my name, so I assume that I went unnoticed. I squint against the murky lighting, trying to make out individual stalls. I move toward the back and unlatch one of the last stall and enter slowly. I dark lump moves in the corner, and baas feebly. “Hello Penelope.” I say in soothing tones. The ancient sheep startled easily and I didn’t want to give her a heart attack or something. The old lady recognized my voice and wobbled closer, perking her ears forward in interest. “Hey lady.” I say when she gets closer and rub behind her ears.

Just seeing her makes me feel better. She’s been in my life since I was eleven. Hadena and I watched her be born. She had been sickly and father had wanted to snap her neck, knowing that she wouldn’t do the farm any good. But Hadena and I had pleaded with him to let us take care of her, and he had allowed it. Me and her spent hours in this barn making feeding her special formula from a bottle, and wrapping her in blankets, and just making sure that she made it through the night okay.

“It’s going to be okay, girl.” I assure her, and tie a loose bit of cloth that I found on the floor around her eyes. I scoop her up, and she lets out a fearful noise but I whisper to her in soothing tones, calming her down. I move out of the stall, and down the length of the barn, stopping just before the door. I take a deep breath and dash outside. “Hey!” I hear an outraged cry. Richard must have been outside, looking around because his voice is right behind me. “What are you doing, you lunatic?!” He yells after me. I don’t stop, I don’t look back, I just toss my head back and give a howl of laughter.

Once the farm is out of sight, and I know for sure that Richard isn’t chasing me, I slow down and set Penelope gently on the ground. I grab hold of the collar that’s around her neck – she was a pet rather than just a farm animal, so we gave her a collar – and coax her down the road. It doesn’t take long to get to Hadena’s house. She lives fairly close to me. Or rather… She did when I had a house.

I reach her porch and stop. Now that I’m faced with the reality of having to ask Hadena for a place to stay, I’m overcome with fear and uncertainty. What if she just laughs in my face and shuts the door? I don’t think I could take it.

I can’t let myself be put in a situation where I’m so vulnerable, especially if it’s Hadena. It used to be that I wasn’t afraid to be weak in front of her. I didn’t care if I failed at something or did something embarrassing. Hell, I even cried once. With Hadena I didn’t need to worry about appearing manly, or tough, or whatever. But now, it’s like I have something to prove to her. When we had had our falling out, it had been her rejecting me, and ever since, she has had the power in our relationship, and my pride just can’t take it. I’ve needed to show her that I don’t care, and that I’m perfectly fine without her to make myself feel better. But obviously I do need her. Which sucks.

Honestly, I just don’t want to get rejected again. I’ve been careful about putting myself in situations that would involve me putting myself out there. In the city, when I was at a club or bar, I’d let girls come to me, I never went to them. I never went in for job interviews or struck up a conversation with a stranger, nothing. Everything had to come to me. That way, I’d always have the power. I never had to worry about being let down. So, instead of climbing up the stairs to her door, I turn around and plop down on a step. I pull Penelope closer and rest my head against her back, wariness over taking me. I don’t know how long I’d have to wait for her to open her front door, but I’m willing to wait forever. I mean, I don’t have anywhere else to be, do I?

What a depressing thought.