Baptist Jay D9 {DONE}

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done

I'm a Jay, not by birth, but I am a Jay. I was adopted into the Jay family when I was only hours old. My own parents don't know exactly how old I was when they found me, but they took me in. They found me in an abandon building where my biological parents left me to die. What did I do for them to not want me? Were they teenage parents? Did they really want me to die? The thoughts run through my mind all the time. I hate thinking about it, but I have some anger inside of me towards them. I'll never know what my original name was. I'll never know my biological parents, and honestly, I doubt I want them to know. I've been a Jay for seventeen years now. Seventeen years I've spent wondering if I would ever find my biological parents. My name is Baptist Jay, and I am a Jay.

Some say eat or be eaten
Some say live and let live
But all are agreed as they join the stampede
You should never take more than you give

I walk away from the house and head down to the river. I don't want anyone to see me. I walk differently. I move differently. I look at things differently. My steps are causal. The steps are heavy and labored. My gait is different than most people. I walk with a limp; a noticeable limp. My arms swing differently. My shoulders are hunched forward. My body shows the sorrow that I feel all the time. I'm constantly putting a brave face on to hide how I truly feel. I try to walk with my head held high, but honestly, I don't see the purpose anymore. I have nothing left to look forward to. I stop at the river and sit down on the grass. I wish I knew who my biological parents were. I wish they could see how grown up I am. I'm not the small newborn baby they left in that abandon building.

I want people to see me the way I see me. I'm not just another pretty boy. Yes, I know I'm handsome, but I don't want to be seen as that. I want to be seen as a normal teenager, but what's normal about living in Panem? I don't think anything is. Everyone is different including me. I stand five foot eleven inches tall. I weigh roughly one hundred forty pounds. I'm not very muscular. I don't see the point in being muscular. I don't want to be strong for any reason. I can run though. I enjoy running. I enjoy feeling the wind blowing through my short, brown hair. I enjoy feeling the wind blow through my ears. I constantly wonder what it sounds like. I wonder what I sound like. I wonder what the other Jays sounds like. I'll never hear them. I'll never hear anything because I am deaf.

My hazel eyes scan the area quickly taking in what I can't hear. I close my eyes trying to imagine the sound of the river in front of me. I've read in books that people describe the rivers as peaceful, raging, loud, silent, but I can't hear any of them. I'm surrounded by an eerie silence that consumes me all the time. My eyes are my ears. I use my eyes to see things I can't hear. I look for the occasional person lurking around me. I keep my eyes open as I scan every direction. My nose sits perfectly on my face. I love smelling the flowers and the trees. I love smelling the water that flows around me. The scent relaxes me keeping me calm. I would live outside all the time if I could hear. I would live in the trees with the birds because I am a Jay. I would feel at home. I would spread my wings and fly.

"Go away." My voice is different. I don't know how it sounds, but I can tell by looking at others it sounds different. I can picture my words being slurred together unable to be made out. My small lips almost always form a smile to hide the pain that is buried inside me. I place the mask on every morning. Not many people know how I truly feel. I have no way to communicate with others. I can always write what I want to say down, but it's not the same. I long to hear voices. Did my biological parents know I was deaf? Is that why they left me in that building? Is it because I'm deaf they think I deserved to die? I'll never know the answer to that. I don't want to know. I don't know what I would do if I did know. A single tear runs down my face dripping silently onto the ground in front of me.

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Other people look at me and walk away thinking it would bother me, but I don't care. I don't care what others think about me. Yes, I have a big family, and yes, a big family isn't the best thing in the world, but I honestly don't care what others think about me. A person could call me all the names in the world, but it wouldn't hurt me at all. I can't hear them for it to bother me. I can read their lips, but I prefer not to. I don't want anymore pain to be present in my life. I try to cover the pain I feel daily. I try to place a mask on so nobody can see me, but it doesn't work at time. I watch others laugh at me when I don't respond. Sometimes I wish they would understand I'm not responding because I'm upset, but I'm not responding because I haveno idea what is being said. Silence is all around me, and I feel all alone. I'm trapped, and afraid, but nobody understands.

I prefer to be by myself. I love going for walks alone with nobody following me. I love being able to sit staring at the tiny streams. It allows me to escape. It allows me to get away from everyone. Sometimes, a child just needs time to his or herself, and I'm one of those children that need a lot of time to myself. It allows me to release the anger I build up. The anger I've built towards my biological parents eats away inside of me, and I have to let it out. I don't understand why they would just leave me alone inside an abandon building. I don't know why they did that to me, and being alone allows me the opportunity to let my emotions escape without anyone from my family, my real family, to stop me. I place a mask on for them hiding my true emotions. I'm a strong, brave person when I'm around them, but they don't know how I truly feel.

I'm very respectful towards everyone. I treat everyone with respect even if I feel they don't deserve it. I want people to treat me with respect. I was raised to treat others the way I want to be treated. It's a rule I live by. It's embedded deep into the depths of my mind, and it is how I will always live. I will respect people who respect me, and I will respect people who don't respect me. I like to see myself as being trustworthy. I have issues with trust. I tend to trust people more than I should. I love getting to know people, and I trust people no matter what. This person could have just killed my brother, and I would still trust them. Maybe, I'm exaggerating a bit, but the point is, I trust people more than I really should. I've hard to learn that trusting people too much can only end in pain. I've felt the pain before. When I was born, I trusted my parents, but they abandon me, and it hurts.

Will anyone ever understand my fear? I'm afraid of the silence that surrounds me. It creeps up on me at the worse moments. The silence consumes me laughing at me. I've always walked this world in silence, but it doesn't stop me from being afraid. People can sneak up on me. It leaves me weak and vulnerable. I'm unable to defend myself if someone was to sneak up on me. I'm terrified of what my eyes can't see. I can only see so much before my vision fails me. I'm like a baby bird that relies so much on it's parents to feed it. I rely on others to be my ears. I rely on others to help me to get me to places I need to go, but it takes my pride away from me. I have no pride left when I have to ask for others to help. My pride steps in my way of getting help, so I'm left alone, afraid, and terrified wishing someone would be willing to rescue me from the silence.

Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

I was born seventeen years ago to parents I'll never know. Hours after I was born, I was found in an abandon building by my real family. I believe a family is more than just making, and giving birth to a child. A family is raising a child in the way they want them to grow up teaching them as they go on. I don't know what I did to make my "parents" abandon me, and I hope to never know. My real parents gave me the name Baptist Jay. My mother was expecting when they took me in. My father couldn't leave me in the building. He could have left me there, but I wouldn't be Baptist (bap-TEE-st) Jay. I wouldn't be part of the Jay family. Two months after I was adopted into the family, my mother gave birth to my brother, Ludwig (LOOD-vig) Jay. They accepted me, and I will call them my family.

A family loves each other unconditionally no matter what. When I was old enough to start speaking, my parents noticed I wasn't making trying to talk. I was surrounded with silence that they didn't know about. I would look at them watching their mouths move, but I could never hear any sound escaping their lips. Ludwig was moving his lips as well, but I never understood what was going on. An eerie silence consumed me wrapping it's presence around me, but I didn't understand what was going on. I was too young to understand. I was too young to understand what the word deaf was when my parents wrote it out for me. What does it mean to be deaf? Will I ever understand what it means? Could it be the silence that surrounds me? I tried not to think about it too much because I wasn't going to let that ruin my life.

I remember when I was nine years old. Ludwig was trying to teach me to talk. He would write a word down, then he would mouth the word, and I would try to copy him. I can speak some words, but it's not the same. I can't communicate with others by speech, and it frustrates me because I want to talk. I want others to understand me. Father once told me there's a reason for everything. I don't understand why I'm deaf. I don't understand the silence that surrounds me, and I don't want to understand the silence. This can't be for a reason. My "parents" must have done something wrong, and I am the one that's being punished for it. Ludwig would crack a smile every time I would try to say a word. What's so funny? I don't get it. Why is he laughing at me? I snatched the sheet of paper. I gripped the pen almost snapping it in half from anger. (What's so funny?)

I remember the first day I went to meet my cousins. I stepped into the door afraid of what would happen. I remember them all staring at me like I was a bug that didn't belong. Wess, Stellar, and Mocking sit on the couch. Jabber, Fawn Storm, Mist, Red, and Violet all sit in the floor. Jabber's mouth was moving a lot, so I knew he was talking, and I could tell by all the facial expressions it was funny. I just stared at them not wanting to try to talk. I remember when they all made me feel at home. They accepted me. Jabber is gone now. He was reaped, and nobody tried to save him. He died in the games. I never thought the family would lose someone like that, but it happened. I can't comprehend it. I wish he was here. There was a chance he could have taught me to talk. I was left broken, but they accepted me.

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round

I was left to die, but I was accepted into a loving family. This family accepted me and brought me in when most wouldn't. They loved me even when they found out I was deaf. When they found out I couldn't hear, they cared for me. I didn't think anyone could care for me. I never want to meet my biological parents because they left me. They dropped in me an abandon building when I was minutes, or hours old. Nobody will ever know how old I was. The pain that they caused me stays embedded in my mind. I don't think I could ever forgive them. Are they even still alive? I don't know if they are alive or not, but nobody can remove me from my current family. I am a Jay, not by birth, but I am a Jay.

In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life

Lyrics: Circle of Life by Elton John
oDair
2271 words not counting lyrics.

Narration 777711
Thoughts BBBB63
Speech 738947
(Other 425D0D)