KENDRICK MASON | DISTRICT FOUR | FIN

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Entry #75:

Everyone says I am looking better now that I am doing what I am supposed to. They say my blue eyes look like my Father's again. They are full of life and promise, and no longer sunken in or surrounded by shadows from all those sleepless nights that I spent awake, thinking of everything that was wrong in my life. The healthy blush I had as a kid is back in my cheeks, as well as the easy smile that let's my straight teeth shine. I guess that I look better because I feel better. Mom says I seem taller, that I walk with more confidence now. Maybe it's because I feel more confident? My shoulders have always been wide, though, and I have always kept my body in shape, so I think that my attitude is really what makes me look so much better.

It makes me feel good when people tell me I look like my Mom, but only because I haven't heard that since I was a kid. When I was little people were always commenting on how I had the exact same shade of sandy blonde hair as her, how my nose was just as confident as her's and even that I had her smile. But all that disappeared with age. When the cheer faded and the sadness swallowed me, I looked like a completely different person. When I realized it, I think it only made things worse, honestly. It made everything more obvious, and all that much more real. It seemed to push me further into the darkness.

I have started to wear normal clothes again, instead of the sweat pants and hoodies that I seemed to have started collecting. I almost forgot I had so many colorful shirts. Even my sweaters range from purple to yellow. Looking at my clothes, you would never peg me for a guy that attempted suicide. I do seem to have a lot of the color blue, since it used to be my favorite, but now it makes me think of how messed up I used to be so I sort of hate it. I kind of buried all of the blue clothing I had in the back of my closet, and I lost half my wardrobe, but I think it is helping me move on, you know?

Entry #133:

When the water is all I have, when my friends have all forgotten about me and stabbed me in the back, I honestly think that is when I am most happy. Because, yeah, I am alone, but at the same time, I'm free. I don't have to worry about anything other than myself when I am standing on the shore line letting waves kiss my feet. But I guess I've always preferred being alone. I think, maybe, it is because I am scared of disappointing people. (I always seem to.) Yet, I hardly ever get to be alone, even if I feel I am the majority of the time.

People seem to think I am some kind of arrogant bastard before they even get to know me, and I really don't think I am. Not out loud, at least. I do what my parents want, like always, and keep a smile on my face for everyone around me to enjoy. Mom says that careers are supposed to be ladies and gentlemen, and I am no exception. I guess I have never been good at hiding what goes on between the ears, and even if I never actually say what I'm thinking, people seem to know. Dad tells me to work on it. Being readable as a career is never a good thing.

I do work on it, and I think I have gotten a lot better since before. I know I've gotten better at lying, at least. I like deceiving people, especially when they constantly deceive me. Everyone talks, and when I find out they were talking about me, I can tell them some of the most ridiculous things and watch as they start a fight with the people they are closest to without even thinking twice about it. Amazing what people would believe from a person they claim they can't trust, isn't it?

It's kind of hard, being surrounded by so many people that fight so hard for the spotlight. Maybe I'm not good enough. My parents always reassure me, promising that I am just as good as the rest of them, I just have a heart. But I honestly don't know if I believe them. Should I? I'm not really even sure anymore, but I do know that if I have learned anything in all my years of training it's this: Caring gets you killed. Every year I watch the games, and people always seem to get attached to each other, even though they know that in order for them to go home everyone else has to die. Maybe my parents are right, because to me, that is heartless, and I would never do it. Make a person care about me and then kill them? Or worse, die in front of them. Maybe my heart is what sets me apart from the others, after all, but who really knows until I have to try it out?

Only time will tell.

Entry #1:

I still can't believe I have to write about my entire life just because of one suicide attempt. It wasn't even a serious one. It wasn't like I cut myself, or anything, all I did was pop a few of my mom's painkillers. Okay, more than a few, but it really isn't a big deal. I know Mom and Dad are making it seem that way but I'm fine, really. I just hadn't been taking my medicine for depression like I should have and it got me really down and out about everything. Mom says that, because of this, I am gonna have to go to counseling once a week for the next few months. Is that true, because I have never really believed in the whole "talk about your feelings" thing. I mean, I already have to write about it, so why copy what I have written out loud?

Alright, I was born August 10th, and I am the first of five children. My parents loved me, I guess, but they loved all of us. They looked for me to lead my siblings, and I guess I wasn't really meant to be a leader. I mean, I don't think I did anything terrible, I just might not have set the best examples. Besides, it wasn't like I was already grown when they decided to have my brothers and sisters, I was still a kid myself. I think it was okay for me to make a few mistakes here and there, don't you? Well my parents didn't. They always forgot that I was only two years old when my first sister was born. I was barely even out of diapers, how was I supposed to know how to help teach a person how to grow?

Things never really changed for the better, but I guess they got worse. Every sibling added more pressure. I knew my parents loved me, they just never seemed to think that I wanted to be a kid, too.



Entry #4:

My siblings always seemed to get that I wasn't very good at being in charge a lot more than my parents. Or maybe they were just too naive to realize I was suppose to be. I am the oldest, next is my sister, Lyra, who is a thousand times better at calling the shots than me. I think she is my favorite. Not that I love her more, or anything, I just feel like she understands me the most. After her is Saber, my brother that has already met and exceeded my capabilities as a career. The fourth born was Teddy, who, like his name might suggest, is the sweetest guy you'll ever meet. The last of us, Araina, seems to be like the glue of our family. She is the one that keeps us all from fighting, you know? Keeps us sane.

Without her we might have ended up like some of the other careers in Four.

I don't want us to ever be like them, so afraid of one another that we see each other as enemies, it's not right. It's not what a family is supposed to do. We are supposed to be there for each other, and catch each other when we fall. Maybe if my parents had done that for me I wouldn't have to write in this stupid thing. I think they realized how hard they had been on me after they found me. I guess I never really thought it through to that point, but looking back, I wish my mom didn't have to see me like that. No mother should have to see her son unconscious in a dry bathtub with an empty bottle of pills on his lap.

I must have apologized to her a thousand times when I came to in the hospital, and she did the same, if not more. She apologized for a lot, actually. For being so hard on me all of the time, for not noticing how depressed I was, and for not checking to make sure I had been taking my medicine, but the last one was my fault. I didn't want them. I felt like it wasn't fair that I had to take a pill in order to feel normal, in order to fit in. I guess I never really realized just how much they were doing for me until everything happened, so I promised mom I would take them like I was supposed to from now on. For her, not for me.

other

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