Samaria Solothurn // D2 // [FIN]

Samaria Solothurn // D2 // [FIN] Sept 2, 2013 11:10:38 GMT -5

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Post by arx on Sept 2, 2013 11:10:38 GMT -5

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I a m s o - ashamed - of the lie I'm living

In the beginning it had been much, much different. Most days I could feel myself wanting to be just like dad, to want to impress him and be the perfect ~~assassin~~ daughter. And I guess when you are just a little girl you can't help but want to listen to every word your father says and follow in his footsteps - especially when you have no mother to follow. Problem is, little girls grow up into less compliant and malleable teenagers who do whatever the hell they want. And let's just say that dad and I had very different ideas about what I should do as I got older. I just wanted to be normal - go to school with all the other kids, laugh about stupid girl things like bracelets and boys, have a friend that wasn't my older sister - but I just could never seem to grab ahold of the life I wanted. Even when I submerged myself in schoolwork and refused to have anything to do with dad or looking for the monsters that roamed the district I couldn't hold onto it tight enough. I let go for two seconds and everything was gone. And it was my fault. I remember I wanted too tell dad once or twice that it was all his fault, that if he hadn't gotten himself wrapped up in this cult business and just let go that he might still be here and I might still go to school, but that's all just bullshit. It was my fault, only mine.

The funny thing is, dad got exactly what he had wanted out of me in the end. I thought that for the longest time he looked at me and saw a failure. That he felt disappointed to have me as a daughter, that when I walked out of the house and he told me that if I shut the door behind me I may as well stay gone - I thought he had meant it. It took me a little too long to realize that family was forever. Too long. It feels like I am disgracing him by saying anything bad about him now. He was a good man, just trying to do the best he could with his daughters. And though I do have a lot of things to say about how he did manage it, but I have learned to throw all of that out. I'm doing what I was raised to do - kind of a family business you could say. Hunt. Kill. Hunt some more, kill some more ... It's a nice process that Deandra and I have down. There was a point when I thought I might quit and go back, after dad had died and the asshole that killed our mom had Deandra to thank for a trip straight to hell, but like I said before, I lost everything that I had wanted and there was just no going back. There was only Deandra and more dick-brained perps to kill. And so now we run around the district looking for more of the evil that keeps managing to pop up. Sometimes I tell Deandra it's kind of like the mythical creature Hydra - cut off one head and two more shall take its place. Usually she isn't listening though. She is more interested in pie than any story I have to tell to be honest. ~~Don't tell her, but sometimes I forget the pie on purpose just to piss her off.~~

She really should talk about these things though. Feelings? Right, she would rather keep that shit locked away inside herself for all eternity than even give me a tiny bit of emotion. And I don't mean I want her opinion on weird fetishes or how great the food from the diner is. I mean the real shit beneath all of that whole "tough" act she likes to put on. But despite how often I pester her about talking it out, she just refuses. I don't think it's healthy. And I know. I know that whatever the hell happened to her when she first met Cas still haunts her. I know it still haunts me. But since she doesn't want to share her secrets, I'm not going to share mine. I don't think she realizes just how much her getting kidnapped further fucked me up. I had lost mom and dad and Jesse and everything I had wanted in life already and the idea that I had lost the last person that I cared about completely broke me. Or made me stronger? Sometimes it's just so hard to tell. I know that what I am doing would piss Deandra off, and probably Castella too, but they need to face the facts: I am stronger now than I was before.

They should learn to appreciate how good he is. He's changed, he's different, he was never really on the cult's side. He was always a good guy. I've seen it myself. I've watched him kill his "own kind." Explain to me how he could possibly be on their side? He is on our side - my side. And I do want to tell Deandra - I really truly do - but I know that she just ~~wouldn't~~ couldn't understand. For once, just once in my life I want to help without my big sister stepping in to try and sacrifice herself in order to keep me out of harms way. I can handle myself, I know what I am doing. Besides, when I don't got it I know that Zephar will be there. And as much as I love my sister, there are just some things that are better off being kept hidden from her. She ... worries too much. I'm not the baby that I was all those years ago. If anything, we have reversed roles. With all her ridiculous recklessness these days I have had to become the big sister, watching out for her so that she doesn't go off and get herself killed. Or too drunk to find her way back to the motel. Not that I don't do that too but still ...

Well, at least I - uh, I guess maybe I do drink ... a bit ... but that's besides the point. The fact of the matter is she shouldn't be going off without me. Unless of course it's off to find boys which I would rather not watch actually. But I guess I can't really say anything against it ... especially if it gets her out of the motel room so that I can work on other more important business without her pestering me about how "boring" I am or about how sexy some guy's ass is or something about Castella, (Castella this, Castella that - Can they just make out already and be done please?) or how amazing food is in general. It seems I am the only one who gets any work done. I'm the one researching the movements of the cult throughout the District, who cult members are, where they reside, where they come from, who the leader is, what weapons they have stockpiled, what they do at their special meetings, who they have managed to kill, and where we can strike next. But is this appreciated? No. Instead plans are completely blown out of the water and all my hard work and hours spent on this still amounts to, "You forgot the pie, again?" All I can do is sigh, roll my eyes, and call her a jerk while she mutters, "Bitch." right back at me.

I just wish she wasn't so damn reckless. Yeah, yeah I know that sounds a bit hypocritical coming from me, considering everyone around me would still seem to think that Zephar is "pure evil" and "can't be trusted," but I mean she is really reckless. With her life. It's stupid. Dad already died doing this, and Mom got killed for just being near these people so why does she insist upon doing the same? It's so damn selfish. Just because she pretty much raised me doesn't give her the right to decide what I do. I'm not a baby anymore and I can decide what to do with my life. But that's the other funny part - I sure as hell don't look like the baby compared to her. Not only am I much more mature when it comes to boys and alcohol mixed together and have way, way better pranks than her, I'm also that much taller. She can barely make my height in high heels. It's a wonder that Zephar isn't turned off by my height (though he does complement my legs on a regular basis) but as long as I wear flats I guess I don't have to worry if he can reach or not. Though by looking at us you can tell that we must be sisters. Obviously I am the better looking one and you can tell with the way Deandra eats all those hamburgers and pies that she will be fat and die of a heart attack someday while I strut around with my slim figure and healthy heart with my salads and such, but somehow the boys are always looking at her (not that it matters as of late - they keep her distracted) rather than me. But she picks up the shallow, sleazy ones and not the more sensible ones like I do so whatever. I guess my dark luscious curls and beautiful blue eyes just can't be handled?

Except maybe by Zephar. But I guess that's the problem ... or not ... I don't know anymore. This secret hunting business that I do and this relationship that I am in is just so much more complicated than can be explained. Fact #1: I am so much stronger - better - than I was before I met him. His methods, the way he kills, it all just comes to me so much simpler than before. Not only can I save more innocent people the way he teaches me, but I can kill more of the criminals that killed my parents. How could that possible be bad? But there is another part of me that is growing stronger each time I kill, each time I see Zephar, each time I sneak out without Deandra or even Castella. Something ... dark. Which leads me to what I believe to be Fact #2: I have pure evil pumping through my veins, and there is nothing that can stop me. Maybe it has been there since I was born. Maybe I only felt it rise within me after dad died, or Jesse died, or Dean was taken, or when I met Zephar, or when I really started to kill, but I feel it there. And when I listen to some of the stories Zephar tells me I can't help but wonder if some of what this little cult preaches could maybe be logical. And though I feel bad for all the secrets, I know it's for the better. All this is for the better. All this is to save lives, I am saving lives, no one can deny it, not even Dean ~~if she happens to find out.~~ So what if I feel the evil within me rising closer and closer to the surface, it's what is making me stronger. ~~Right?~~

R i g h t - on the - wrong side of it all
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