the voices in my [head] // rave

s o n j a arcopello.

“Ruby, do you think that they are happy? Safe? Up there?” The question floats in the air for a moment, silence filling the gap between my voice and the voice of the girl who lay silently next to me. “Yes. Yes I think they are safe, safe and happy.” Her voice is gentle, just like always, a caress of a gentle hand across my cheek. I smile, my eyes sparkling as I think of my parents smiling faces, as I think of them wrapped in each other’s arms, out of harm’s way .Safe. Every night I wander the same thing. I wander if the people who brought me into this world were still happy, I wandered if they were proud of me, or ashamed of me and- and my ‘condition’. A sigh escapes my lips and I turn into my side, my eyes searching the pale face of the girl next to me. Sensing me watching her, she flipped over so that she could look me straight in the eye.

Her eyes, just like usual, were so warm and friendly, so welcoming. I smile. Some people think I am mad, think that I have lost my mind. You see, I was the only person who could see Ruby, sometimes I wandered how that was even possible, other times I just brush the thought away and tell people that they must be blind- cause she is here, right here, in front of me now. I tell them to look harder, to really look… They would just frown at me and call for a nurse, who would come to my side with a soothing gesture and pull me away to my ward. From there she would sit me don on my bed and tell me that Ruby was not real. That she was a part of my imagination. Nuts, right? How could Ruby not be real? Her touch was just like anyone else’s physical touch. I would tell the nurse that she is crazy and she would hand me my pills.

Pills. I hated them. Whenever I took them I was thrown into a hazy world. A world where colours were dampened and everyone seemed to talk in a robotic voice. But that was not why I hated them I hated them because they made Ruby go away. She never came to me while my world was dull and lifeless; she always seemed to avoid me at those times. And I couldn’t stand that! Ruby was my best friend, she was the one who has always been there for me, she has always been there to pick me up, to through me back into life again, if it wasn’t for her the voices would have gotten to me a long long time ago, and I would be dead. So when the nurses placed the little red pill in my hands, I didn’t swallow it, I tucked it under my tongue and waited for them to leave before throwing it into the crack beside my bed. Who needed pills anyway? Right? Screw them.

“That’s good. I miss them, you know. I heard them screaming… They were screaming out my name. Mine. They had begged me to help, but I couldn’t I couldn’t just walk into the flames and die to, right?” My voice breaks slightly when I say talk about my parents, a lump of fiery emotion forming in my throat. “Sonja, you did the right thing. By you walking into those flames- what would that have achieved? You would all be dead. But you’re not. Your alive and you live a life where you can be happy, where you make the choices. You are a string girl, okay, just remember that you are strong and you can beat anything- anything, okay? You’re strong.” I believed her. Every word that fell from her lips, I believed was true. She smile, and slowly she began to fade, leaving me staring into the empty space where she and just been lying.

I smile once again and swing my legs off the side of my bed. I was too worked up to sleep. Sighing I slid off the edge of my bed, my bare feet touching the cool tiles of the hospital floor without a sound. The coolness of the floor sent spikes of coldness up though my thin legs, my breath catches for a moment as I wait for my body to return to its original temperature. It only takes a moment, and during that moment I forget about my mother, I forget about my father and even Ruby. My mind was clear, clear of all things. There was no voices, no whispers of taunting words. I was by myself, all on my own. Surprisingly I felt a smile slip onto my lips as I wander out of my room and into the hallway.

As I enter the hallway I lose my balance, my toes knocking roughly into the corner of the wall. I cry out in pain, my little toe throbbing immensely. “Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Oh god, oh god does it hurt!” I screech to myself, my whole body doubling over as I clutched at my toes which burned in pain. “Stupid wall! Stupid, stupid wall.” My voice grows louder as I stare intently at the wall, hoping that it would understand the immense pain that it had caused me. I knew I was clumsy, gosh was I clumsy. But this? This by far was not my fault. It was the walls. People have told me that walls can’t move. But this, this is pure proof that walls have minds of their own.