DAMEA VANDEL | DISTRICT THREE | FIN

d a m e a vandel

i had a way then
losing it all on my own
i had a heart then
but the queen has
been overthrown

Dear Drace,

I'm seventeen today. I can't believe it's been almost a full year since you.. I miss you. It isn't the same here in District Three without you around making everyone laugh. What was that one thing you used to say? "Life should be easy for a girl like you". I think it was. Well, you couldn't have been more wrong.

Love,
Damea

How is it that I have managed to completely fall apart in such a short amount of time?

It wasn't too long ago and things were fine. I felt safe, even when every day was a struggle, and I felt happy. Perhaps the reason everything has started to crumble is because of Drace's death. After he got reaped, Valencia spent most of her time locked away in her room, crying as those emerald green eyes of hers remained frozen toward the television screen, as they watched her boyfriend, and my brother fight for a life that, in the end, was taken from him. She liked to act as if everything was fine, like we never noticed her puffy red eyes, but I knew more than anyone since our rooms were right next to each other. Often I heard her join me in sobbing throughout the night, unsure of how to go about our lives.

As if things couldn't have gotten worse, the one thing that had kept Drace and me afloat since the night out parents died went up in smoke a few days before Drace's cannon fired and shook my bones. Something went wrong, but if you ask me, it was just too much for everyone to handle, watching the light that helped us all see grow dimmer and dimmer by the day. If it had been anyone else, anyone except Drace, things would have been okay, maybe, but it was him and he was dead. The word still causes my throat to swell, but time is making it easier to hear it.

Dear Drace,

I don't think anyone is having a very easy time. It's like we are all stuck, all so fucking lost, and it's because you left, aren't here died! How could you be so selfish? You know we need you! You know that... I need you. I have since we were little, Drace. I have depended on you for everything since the night those flames consumed our home, our parents, and our peace of mind, and yeah, maybe that makes me selfish as well. Maybe me wanting you here with me instead of where ever you are now is too, but it isn't fair not having you! What am I going to do? What is anyone gonna do?

I need your advice and you won't answer me, Drace. You have never ignored me, so why should you now? This isn't right- any of it. I just want my brother back! What did I do to deserve this? Are you mad at me for not saving Mom and Dad? Because if so I am sorry! I tried so hard, I promise I did, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't save them, just like I couldn't save you.

Please don't hate me,
Damea

I tried something the other day, something Drace would have killed me for if he ever found out, but obviously he doesn't care, because if he did he wouldn't have left me here to rot, right? I don't know.. maybe I did it just to see if he would try and stop me. He didn't. It was only once, just one swallow as the tiny capsules slid down my throat and made me numb for a bit, but I think I might do it again sometime. It helped me to forget, you know, everything.

I want to tell Val, but I feel like she would be dissappointed. Then again, she might not even notice, since she is all over Dexter these days. Strange how his supposed best friend and girlfriend are together now. They must have really loved him, huh? To claim each other as their own just as soon as Drace is out of the picture? But I can't stay mad at either of them. They were the people that Drace cared about most. Well, them and me. Dexter was his best buddy, his room mate, and subject to almost all of his playful schemes. Valencia was the love of his life.

Me? I have nobody like that. I like Krisondra a lot. She has really straightened out her life. I feel bad about the whole "love triangle" thing she has to deal with thanks to Val and Dex, but I don't really think her heart is in it. I think she has known for a while that Dexter wanted Valencia. I also like Tiberius, sort of. He kind of does his own thing now, doesn't really keep in touch. Last I heard, he was married and had a daughter. I guess I am happy for him. It's good that everyone is starting to move on, I think. Everyone except me, of course.

Dear Drace,

It is weird seeing everyone get better except me. It like they all found the pieces and put them back together, but while they were finding theirs they just stepped on mine and made it worse. There is a hole in my chest, Bub, and it is hurting me. A lot. I keep telling myself it will get better like when Mom and dad died, but it still hasn't. Why is that, Drace? Do you think maybe I'm too broken? I don't like that idea- never getting better. I want to be happy again like everyone else, but at the same time I don't want to forget you, and I am already starting to. I remember your hair because it was blonde like mine. And your eyes were brown like Dad's, but mine are blue like Mom's. You were tall, right? Not very, but kind of? I think I remember hugging you and barely being able to see over your shoulders, but I have always been a bit short. See what I mean, I am forgetting, I think, and that is scaring me to death, Drace. I feel like the only thing left to do is call and order my coffin.

Might see you soon,
Damea

I got in another fight again today. But that bitch deserved every punch she received on that pretty face of her's. I made sure to make that big mouth bleed so that she would know not to open it around me anymore. Nobody messes with me and gets away with it. Nobody. Krisondra said I needed to straighten up, and I think maybe she is right. I have sort of gotten this chip on my shoulder and it makes me hate a lot, but I think I'm going to try and get better.

I don't think about him all of the time, which everyone says is good, so I guess they are right. I find myself going days at a time without crying. Valencia and I live together at the mansion, and some of the others stay weeks at a time. Some of them have moved on, and still come to visit every great once in a while, but it is usually just the two of us. I have mostly gotten over him but I still avoid walking passed his room. Sometimes I think I can see him in there through the corner of my eye.

Dear Drace,

I went to your grave today and they had just put out new flowers. They looked nice, and they smelled wonderful. I didn't cry, and neither did Valencia. I think she was a little shocked that I didn't. She says I should stop writing these letters to you. She thinks they are keeping me from completely moving on. I think... I think she might be right. I won't ever forget you, but I think you knew that already, right? You will always, always be my brother, Drace. Nobody will ever take your place, I promise. I'll see you again someday, I know it. I love you, bub, but this is the last time I'm going to write to you.

Love,
Damea

codeword: odair
face claim: emilie de ravin
lyrics: "lights" by ellie goulding
plot: "rags to riches" by python