Malyon Payne // District Five :: done

thought i was a together kind of person
the type who had it handled
as fate would have it i'm exploding
like a roman candle, oh,


I am male, that I know.
I am fifteen, that I am told. I remember that number.
I have dementia, that is obvious.

No matter how many times I forget what I had for breakfast, or what chores I was told to do, or the name of the man selling me fresh vegetables, I never forget my appearance. I know what I look like. I can close my eyes and picture myself. I've never struggled with that. I am tall for my age, with hair so short that you could call it a buzz cut if you like, although I can't remember getting it cut. I have a lot of muscle, that's because I have a lot of alone time, being unemployed and all. I enjoy working out, building muscle to look strong and healthy, even though my mind is sick.

My face is riddled with freckles, contrasting with my pale skin. My eyebrows are arched upwards, making me look like a villain from a carnival performance. People always talk about my eyebrows, but I don't mind that - I remember that. My eyes are a lazy green, dull and void of any sparkle. My nose is fat, and so are my lips, making me look more overweight than I am. I'm not an attractive boy, but I'm distinctive. I can remember how I look.

I am volatile - subject to change.
I do not know how I used to be, or how I will be.
My memory makes me angry.

I am angry a lot of the time. Angry because I can't remember, but also because people are so damn patronising all the time. Yeah, I have memory loss but it isn't that bad. It'll get worse as I'm older, sure. For now it's just little things - Insignificant details and things from years ago that I am forgetting. People treat me like I can't remember my own name, or how to eat. It's really frustrating the way people treat me. Just let me live my life, y'know?

I've come to terms with the fact that somewhere down the line, I won't be myself any more. I'll be incompetent and reliant on others. I won't know who I am, or the life I have lived, but hopefully that is a long, long way away. I'm scared, of course I am scared. I'm scared of what I'll become - who I will become. It will be like I have died, and the only thing left of me is a body with a default brain. I'm scared for my sister, who has problems of her own, because she will have to look after me when I'm losing it.

I know that I am loud mouthed and brash. I am passionate about my views and I'll do almost anything to prove that I am right, or defend my opinions. I don't like hurting people though, mentally or physically. I like to be friendly to people, and have lots of friendly people around me. I think that helps me. If I'm in the moment and not thinking too much about the future, I can enjoy the present.

I cannot remember who I used to be.
I only know who I was from what I am told.
It's a blur.

My history is patchy. I know some things, like algebra and history, and I was always good at Panem's geography... Yet I can't see the faces of my classmates, or my teacher. I can't even tell you their names. I remember the fun times with my sister, running through fields and getting lost at sunset, panicking and trying to get back home before dark fell. She doesn't like the dark, that's when the monsters come out. Other things though, like birthdays and celebrations, I don't remember them. I only know that they happened. I think it takes a truly powerful memory to stick, else it's just lost in the grey.

My sister has hallucinations. Fallon's always been there for me, helping me remember things when I was younger. She's got problems of her own but she still makes time for me. She always asks how I'm doing every morning and if I can remember certain things. I don't want her to be upset, so sometimes when she gives me a memory I tell her I remember it, even if I don't. I don't want her to worry about me, especially when she lives in the same constant fear as I do.

Our mother has been through a lot, having two kids who are mentally unstable in very different ways. I'd say that Fallon's condition is more present, whilst mine is more of a looming threat. Hers is a fast acting, but harmless poison, whilst mine is a slow, deadly disease. We have to stick together as a family. That much has always been agreed.

and it’s pretty in the sky
such a beautiful way to die
but i want my sparkle back
why does it always fade to black?