Minho Newton D4.. DONE

The earlier days (when I was 12):

I don’t know why but I can never ever forget this day. Whenever I’m by myself or with people this day has never left me and has haunted. This memory stalks me in the waking hours and during my dreams. Will I ever get to have a break from this nightmare or not. When I feel like this memory is fading the next time it comes is like a wave crashing into your body at the beach and knocking you into the salty water and forcing you under, suffocating you. It’s funny how I used that metaphor, sort of ironic I guess.

I remember watching my little sister, Teresa, playing around in the sand with a smile on her face as she dug around in the golden sand. I looked at her with me deep blue eyes and smile back at her and push my fingers through my dark blonde hair. I look away from her and stared at the ocean. The foamy waves crashed into the golden sand and then were sucked back into the ocean like a vacuum. I just sat there and stared at them for a while feeling myself relax and just enjoying the sight. That’s when I heard my sister’s cry for help. I remember her arms flailing in the air as a huge wave towered over her full of menace, and I could see the terror in her wide eyes. I yelled at her to run but she was frozen with fear as I scrambled down the beach heading towards her. I could feel my scrawny chicken legs pounding against the sand and my chest heaving with effort. I kept on yelling at her to run but it was too late.

I heard my voice and my throat was dry as I screamed and screamed for her to do anything but the wave came crashing down upon my little sister. No I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that that was my sister’s voice ripping through the air. I didn’t stop running and felt the cool water splash against my legs and I kept running forward, towards my sister. I dug around desperately searching for any signs of her but all I felt was the salty water slipping through my slim fingers. I called out her name until it the word was lost and illegible. I felt my body shake with giant sobs and all I could was stand there looking for some sign of her. Eventually, my gaze drifted over to her body which was floating on the surface of the clear blue water. “Teresa!” I cried out as I swam towards her my skinny legs kicking with desperation to reach her. I pulled her limp body into my arms and I swim towards the shore, Teresa’s body trailing in the ocean behind me. I reach the sand and lay down Teresa gently. Her blonde hair was tangled and wet and her deep blue eyes, so much like mine, stare up into the sky with no emotion or life. Her skin was covered with sparkling droplets that rolled down her face like tears. I grasped her hand in mine so little and… cold. I placed my other hand on her cheek and leaned down whispering her name over and over, asking if she could hear me. I felt a dark emotion swirl inside me as I stared at her motionless body and I just sat there and kept staring with disbelief.

2 weeks after:

It had been a few weeks after Teresa’s… well after Teresa. For those passed weeks I had spiraled into a depressed state and I just felt empty and void of any emotions. How could I go on with life without my sister who was always so happy and full of life? All I wanted was to lie down and go to sleep that was dreamless hoping my life would end like her’s. I use to be a happy boy that loved to go down to the beach. Most people would say to my parents about how they have such great children who are smart, caring and kind. But I felt like that was a lifetime ago and now I’m this depressed person without a reason to live. I stood up off the chair I had been curled up in and stand next to the window and I could just make out my features. My deep blue eyes looked dark and haunted and hollow. I looked really tired and old, I felt tired and old. I let out a big sigh and stumbled away from the window and to the chair that had become my best friend. Would I ever get out of this depressed state or was this my new life?

4 years after:

So well this is me now, a person who has gone through such a traumatic time and watched their sister die on front of them. To me that was the most horrible thing that could have happened as she was a huge part of my life. I don’t know how but after a few years of being depressed and blaming myself for everything I managed to get myself together and start a life. I still lived with my parents who I don’t talk too much but I feel much better than I have in ages. I believed I could finally forgive myself and move on in life. So here I am alive and reasonably well.

That morning I study myself in the mirror that sits in front of my bed and has a few cracks but easy to see. When I stand there and look up at myself from head to toe. I see my blonde fine hair siting messily on top of my long oval face, my bushy eyebrows, deep blue eyes that have a warmth and life in them but they look different, like their hiding something. But I shake it off and kept looking at my different features. My nose which is quite big and also my pink lips that are massive and I notice that I have become quite thin as my jaw and cheek bones are more prominent. I can see that I’m different in some ways but change is good right?

Inside me I still feel hollow and kind of depressed but I guess that will always be with me as I can’t just get over something like that easily. It’s like that part of my heart that was left for my sister was slowly eaten away eroding and leaving a big empty hole. I don’t know it will ever heal but I can promise myself this: No one will ever take away what I felt for my sister. I never what someone to feel like I did when I watched my sister die. It’s not fair to feel so depressed and upset so I feel that it’s my duty to look out for people on the street and look to see if they are all right. I will try and be that smart, kind and caring boy again but I don’t think I will ever be the same even on the outside.

Present day:

So that’s my story and how my life was ripped apart and watched it crumbled in front of me. It was one of the hardest years of my life and I know I will never completely heal from losing Teresa. I still feel that depression hiding somewhere deep inside of me and it sometimes tries to get out by I shove it down further, which is ok I hope. I feel like I could burst at any moment like a bubble waiting to be popped by and kids stubby finger and that this dark feeling will turn into anger and I will lose myself. But until that happens I will put on a good face and hide what I’m truly feeling and keep pushing it further and further down because that’s all I could do. I didn’t want anyone to see this rage only see a boy who’s happy, kind and caring not some monster. I don’t want to be that monster that’s somewhere deep inside of me waiting for a chance to strike and rear its head. I never want to be that person.

Codeword: Odair