death in the afternoon [willis death post]

willis keeni

break me in, teach us to cheat
and to lie, cover up what shouldn't be shared?
all the truth unwinding, scraping away at my mind
please stop asking me to describe him

My life is a string of miscircumstance. One disaster after the next. I could lay them out in front of me and evaluate where exactly my life took a turn for the worst, but what would be the point? Truth is, I can't remember a time I was happy, except for maybe that small window of innocence after I joined the Keeni family. What little happiness there was, was shortlived. Because of the terse spell of joy in my life, everything else has seemed that much worse. Sort of a Catch 22 when you think about it.

Despite everything I have done to try and change, I can't. I am who I am. I've tried stopping the flow of alcohol into my system, in hope that my sobriety will bring about some positive change, but to no avail. I tried accepting my twin cousins back into my life, but deep down I still hate their guts. Everything I did to survive, I did wrong. I should never have tried to change, because if I had become someone different, I would have died being myself. Wasn't that my goal from the start - To not lose who I am? Yeah, we all needed to do stuff we didn't want to in order to survive, but deep down I'm still Willis Keeni - An arrogant, short-tempered, over-the-hill teenager with a dark past and one hell of an alcohol problem. No amount of killing or suffering is going to change that. I'd be a fool to think that it would.

Soap and I, we aren't that different. We aren't villains in these Games, neither are we the heroes. Maybe that's why we've both survived for so long. If you're hated, you're targeted, if you're a hero you die doing something stupid to help others. We are the overlooked, and that's why we're alive. We're both from the gutter - He's from Nine, I'm from Six. We're near the same age, we're the same build. I can't see much that's different. He's lost friends (two of which were directly because of me), and so have I. I'm pretty damn sure he's broken promises too.

Of course we all handle the Games differently. You only need to look back at previous years to see that everyone takes it in different ways. The Games change some people, others stay the same. Then you get people like me, who try to change. People ain't no good. All different, all goin' different paths. Where we end up is what's important. I think it's a good thing that I'm still me. I haven't fallen off the tracks, nor have I forced myself to be someone I'm not. Yeah, I've killed, and that's bad, but I'm still Willis. I hope the Capitol understand that too.

My thoughts are a taboo - A silver parachute glides in on a northern wind, drifting slowly and landing at my feet. I glance down at it, and up to Soap, who has taken a defensive stance. There's a queer sort of ceasefire as the metallic pop bleeps at me, as if saying hello. I keep my eyes on Soap, and he keeps his distance. Good. He's as curious as I am. I slowly bend my knees, lowering myself to the capsule. Who would sponsor me at a time like this? I twist the cap open, peering inside. My stomach turns in knots.

Of course.

I pull out the bottle of whiskey, near enough identical to the one that Laila smashed a couple of days ago. Fighting for my life and they give me alcohol? I loosen my belt, removing it from my trousers and throwing it to the side - Shurikens and all. I then unsheathe my sword and throw that into the dirt too. I shrug of my rucksack and let it slump at my feet. I am completely disarmed. I look down at the bottle begrudgingly and with a defeated look imprinted on my face, I equip myself. After all this time, they still want to play games with me. Just when I think I can accept that I'm going to die sober, they throw another spanner in the works. Now I'm conflicted. Now I have to choose. That's the worst part.

Soap's expression is glazed, but there is a faint trace of fear, or anticipation. He has nothing to be afraid of, I'm not going to hurt him. I'm not going to hurt anyone else - Because I'm done.
"I killed your friend - Claude." I say like it's fact, and nothing more than that. Wandering over to my right, I sit down in the dirt and with shaking hands, I start twisting the cap off of the Whiskey. I stare at it for a while, contemplating my confliction. My final dilemma. The Capitol has given me a choice - Die sober, or die drunk. That's what's been playing on my mind since day one, and they know that. They've done this for entertainment's sake. Will Willis Keeni overcome his alcoholism and refuse a final drink, or will he succumb to his addiction? Fuckin' joke. Playing with my mind like this in my final minutes ain't fair. I ain't playin' their game no more. I'm not fighting anymore. Not drunk nor sober. Just gonna die now.

I am who I am, and as much as I'd like to say that I've become a better person, and that I can rise above my cruel addiction, I can't. Truth is, I'm gonna die. Why refuse something I love? Is it to prove myself to the whole of Panem? What do I care? I'll be dead anyway. I open my mouth and let the amber liquid pour down my throat, burning my insides.
"Burned him. It's a Keeni thing, 'pparently." I take another large gulp waiting for the effects to kick in. I don't know how I feel about Claude. Not sure if I even care how I feel anymore. This is the end for me, so what does it matter? What does anything matter?

"I'm not gonna hurt you Soap," The boy from the training center who smelled so bad. Not his real name but that's what they called him. Soapy Soap, the smelly boy. You smell bad? Boo-hoo. Try being abused by your father for four years. "And if I'm honest, I don't even know why." I smile, not at him, but at the ground. It's all about choices. No one wants to die without having a say in it, right? I want to be in control, if I'm gonna die. I think I'm ready.

"I don't have the answers," I say, biting my lower lip. They want me to have answers. They want me to stand up and say I have changed. They want me to leave the alcohol alone and prove that I have changed. Well I haven't. You can't change someone who's this far gone. I stand up and scream to the skies.
"I DON'T HAVE THE ANSWERS, YOU HEAR?" I take another swig, "I WISH I DID, BUT I DON'T." I fall over onto my back, greedily swallowing another mouthful.

Can't throw straight sober, can't think straight drunk. Catch 22. It was never a winning equation. This is it, then. Die drunk. Pyrian and Gypsy didn't want me to die drunk - They wanted me to recover, but they were always wrong about that. I can't recover, never could. Even if I somehow win this thing, I'll only spiral downwards. You think I can live with myself after what I've done in this arena? Hell no. This is my suicide, indirect.
"Please..." I look at Soap through clouded vision. My face flushes red, my eyes sting. I can't live with myself. Broke every promise I ever made. Couldn't save Claire, couldn't protect Eye, couldn't stick with Laila - And all because of my curse. Worst of all, even after all bad things that have happened because of it, I'm still drinking.

"Kill me."

I'm sorry Laila. I'm sorry Claire and Eye. I'm sorry Pyrian, Gypsy too. Would never have made it this far without them. Not a chance. I'm sorry to my brothers and sisters, my cousins and parents. Sorry will never be enough. I spat on the graves of those I loved, because I didn't understand. I hope people spit on my grave too, it's no more than I deserve.

CREDITS

Willis Keeni played by Rook

Face Claim Frederik Meijnen

Graphics by Rook

Template by Rook

Music/Lyrics by Metric, Muse, Damon Albarn, Arcade Fire

SPECIAL THANKS

Python, for being the best ally I could hope for. I honestly have run out of superlatives for you. You've basically kept me sane throughout this, and you've helped me develop one of the best characters I've ever had. I'm sorry Laila didn't win, but she was absolutely fantastic to thread with. Thank you.

Elegant, for being reliable and consistently good with her rolls, not to mention getting an insta PRECISELY WHEN WE NEEDED ONE. I only wish Eye had made it further, because he was starting to develop fantastically, and he would have been so good in 1 vs 1s. Regardless, you wrote him fantastically and you were a great ally.

Loren, for having my back on several occasions. Sorry we couldn't keep Claire alive for longer, but the rolls she took were heavy. Again I'm sorry she didn't make it further, but you were an invaluable part of the alliance.

Thundy. Congratulations! Your writing has been great, and you definitely deserved this one. Enjoy it!

Nyte, thanks for threading with me early on, and for keeping me sane with your injections of support/humour when I was struggling. I feel like I've made a good friend these Games, through you.

Kire, for our awesome fight. Sorry for killing Claude - He was great. We need to finish those fillers at some point!

Stare for everything. Sorry about Savannah... I hope we can thread soon because I miss that.

Kousei, for the shurikens...

...Joking. Thanks Kou for the awesome threading. Your writing just keeps getting better and better, and your tribs are always a joy to follow.

ROSETTA AND SOUTH!! For running these awesome Games from start to finish, and keeping them consistently fair and entertaining. You guys have put a lot of time into the 66th and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

Zoe, for this.

Thanks Zoe.

Lulu and Aya for making this site. I feel like they should get a mention.

No shout out for Cass, lol.

SpecialK, for sponsoring me $25,000, which allowed me to buy invaluable tar and med kits.

Everyone who betted on me, I am sorry I wasted your money.

Everyone else who has supported me in other ways - Sponsorship, advice, offering me spots in alliances, or general moral support, of sponsorship, moral support, advice, spots in alliances etc.