Abner Willow ~District 10~

My body posture is a paradox to my sisters. I stand decently tall at five foot eleven, and I have a big amount of muscles. This is probably from me working and lifting up heavy bales of hay and being able to calculate what I should eat to stay healthy and strong. Since I work a lot my hands are very rough. No matter what I do to stop them from being rough they stay rough. Another unwanted gift from my work are my always dirty finger nails. It is not that I don’t want them clean it is that they can’t get clean. I always try and scrub the dirt from under my fingers, but ultimately I give up since it takes too long and I can be relaxing in that time.

Like my name which means “father of light” my hair is “ the hair of light.” This means it is a very light blonde color just like my sisters. I wear my hair very short and close to my head so to try not to draw attention to my already receding hair. Another feature like my sisters are my eyes. They are a greenish blue color. I would say more green than blue though. People say my eyes speak volumes of words.

I used to be talkative. I used to be outgoing. I used to be a brat. Now only some of that remains. I no longer like to talk. I wish to keep my thoughts to myself. The thoughts that I am so disappointed in, and the ones just others should not know. I keep them to myself. All of this so I won't be a brat. So I can try not to be a brat.

I am a very hard worker now that I regret what I have been in the past. I work my hardest although sometimes I find myself slacking off and wanting to relax. Naturally I guess I am lazy. I am a naturally intelligent person, and luckily, because that has allowed me to learn/ figure out how to create a balanced diet. I try and do the same with my sister, but some how she has never been able to grow enough strength.

People say I am ignorant. They say I don't know something if it hit me in the face. The truth is I know what goes on. I know what is true or not true. I just have a problem with accepting things. I have a problem with thinking it was my fault that my sister was so weak because I was a brat. I like to cover it up and say it is because she just does not eat like me; that it is her diet’s fault.I have a problem admitting that the games are wrong. I act like they are reasonable. That it was with good reason that they were created. People don't like that. Neither do I. I just don't want to remind myself that they are as bad as they are.

I with every year care about my younger sister more and more. I want to be there for her when she needs me. I want to show her my empathy, but not give too much that it is overbearing. I show her how she is my center of attention. I give her more attention than I give my parents. I used to have a social life when I was five. That quickly abated soon after her condition was found out. That and my resentment towards her vanished. I hide the real world from my sister. More so than I do with myself or any one else. She has so much trouble, and I wish to not grant her any more. I don’t give her my worries, but she can always give me hers.

Although I don’t speak my feelings I wear my heart on my sleeve. Not in the traditional sense where my whole face shows an expression and I voice thoughts, but my eyes. My eyes show all of the emotion that I ever have. You can see the heat of revenge in them, Or the regret. I try and contain them, but I know I can’t. Tears no matter how much I try and hold them back, even around my sister they come out.

I am a bastard in two ways. I know not my own father. He left me before I was even born. This makes me wonder who I am sometimes, and makes me want to seek revenge on him for leaving me. My mom married her cousin trusting him as much as he had lust for her. He is the father of my younger sister. The one who made me a bastard in a second way.

I never wanted a little sister. Not one to give my new adoptive father a reason to leave. Not like with me and my father. I always thought that fathers leave after they have a kid. I never knew that it was false. I never knew that it was just a freak thing that my father left me. Now I know the truth.

I love my adoptive father and he takes care of me well. Finding out that I was going to have a little sibling scared me though. For the reason I explained before. I did not want him to leave. So I resented my sister before she was even born. I hated her when she was born. I disliked her so much that I wished she would --- die. I know bad. After a few months I realize just how bad.

It was my fault she was born with the bone defect. After I realize my new adoptive father was not leaving me it became more apparent that I made a mistake. That I had wished something upon my own sister that I should not have. That I was an ignorant young boy. Too evil to care, and too stupid to know how evil I was.

Slowly I gave up my life for her. I became a better worker so we could afford new stuff for her. I stopped having friends not wishing to spend any spare moment I had with any one else but her. I even stopped voicing my thoughts.That only got me in trouble voicing my thoughts. I did not want anything else bad to happen to her.

Through the years I found myself sheltering my sister perhaps a little more than my mother. Yes I took her out side to see the animals unlike my mother wanted me to, but that was my sheltering. I needed to show her the good in life so she could not see all of the bad. I wanted to make it up to her. All of the badness I caused her. Hearing that my sister would ultimately become deaf made me ever regretful. This has only escalated my showing of love to her. I allow her to talk to me about everything. That day I even took her to the river so she could relax away from all of the drama. So she could forget about the bad things. She still does not know about how much bad I caused her, and that we are only half siblings, but I will remember both and everything that comes with it forever.Sadly forever.