Rest at Ease ~~~Jack w/ Matthew [+Kyanite]

Finally to hear someone call for the family of Matthew is both the scariest and the most relieving thing ever. I can only hope that the news is good.I can only wish that my inability to care for him properly hasn't doomed him anymore than it already has. It always goes back to Jins. Why didn't I kill him when I had the chance? The nurse that come over talks to me and talks to Mira in the sweetest tone.

"A little over a week old." I nod and the nurse makes a motion as if to ask if she can touch her and I give her the go ahead. Her fingers touch Mira's feet and she grins widely before stating that I can go back to see Matthew. Instead of agreeing verbally to being 'Mrs. Dunham', I give her a small nod. I am not risking her not letting me see him since we aren't techically married. No where near, but he is the father to Mira. She is his family, so that makes me family.

All along the hallway, I keep staring at the patients that are stuffed into the hallways and their loved ones standing beside them. If Matthew isn't that bad off, will he be out in the hallway with the rest of these that look relatively healthy? That is, until I reach the end of the hallway and see Matthew sitting up slightly in the bed, but his eyes closed and the clothes are different. I feel speechless right now, and Matthew's not looked up to see me.

"Mr. Dunham..." The nurse announces, but I interviene.

"Matthew. Sweetie... how are you? What happened? What did they say?" I bombard him with questions because I can't wait to know what's going on and to know if he'll be okay. He doesn't seem to be having as hard a time at breathing as he was in the house, so is it still that bad? Or have they given him something to help him along? I sit on the edge of the bed with Mira nestled in the crook of my arm and her tiny lips pucker up and make a sucking motion.

I'm so tense right now. Mostly because of fear what might be going wrong inside my body again- completely beyond my controll- but also because I'm in pain each time I draw a deeper breath. So I keep them shallow and quick.It's exhausting and nerve wrecking though.

To have Mira's hand curl around my finger and Kyanite sit next to me is the anchor I need right now and finally she doens't pull my baby girl away from me anymore. Maybe she can forgive me.
Kyanite places our baby in my arms as I sit with my back against the wall. She fits in there like she simply belongs there.
The moment I'm able to hold her I'm overwhelmed with feelings. I want nothing more than to stay in my baby's life and be able to hold her and be there for her.I just hope I can. Who knows why I passed out, who knows what's wrong with me and whether I'll live to see another day. Those are bad thoughts I shouldn't allow but she'sso precious to me that I well up. No tears fall though.
"Thank you, Ky." I whisper.

Out of the blue a deep voice gets our attention. My eyes need a moment to focus because I feel light headed but then I recognise Brody's father, Nolan, who asks to come in.
Before I can even think about it Ky invites him. Obviously she likes the man and I can tell why. He's a good guy, the kind of man you want as a father. Not like mine, who's narrow minded and judgemental, or hers, who's overly hard. Nolan cares. I can see it in his eyes even now.

Concerned he asks what happened and finds out that I got cornered in the bathroom and beaten up while the same happened to our friend upstairs. I hope she's okay.
"Four against me, didn't end well." I sniffle back the tears that have threatened to fall and try to smile at him. After all he's strong, so is his son, even when he thinks he's broken.
"For the others neither."
Silently I hope they got arrested but I have no idea.

Then Mira is introduced. Usually I'd hand her to him but right now I need to hold her myself.
Lowering down my face to her I place a brief kiss on her head. "I love you." I share my secret with her. Her head turns a little but her eyes are closed. There's a tiny smile tugging on her soft lips. Is she smiling at me?
I don't now but I smile back.

Then I look up at Nolan and Kyanite who both give me this anxious look hidden behind a neutral expression.
"Is Brody okay?" Is that why Nolan is here? His son's condition got worse?

That's when footsteps fall against the floor of the long crowded hallway giving away the arrival of a doctor with a nurse in tow.
"Could you wait outside?" He asks Kyanite and Nolan to leave. They look in a hurry- probably due to the load of people coming in tonight.
I hand Mira back to Kyanite and nod at them.
Since the door's not closed I can still see them when they leave the small room. My eyes are glued to them until the doctors voice tears me out of my daze.
"The scans confirm my suspicion. The right side of your lung collapsed again. That's why it's so hard to breath."
At that very moment I feel like I can't breathe at all any more. I'm scared so my eyes dart to Ky again, then Nolan.

He brings the picture up on a screen and even I can see what he means when he points out. "The punch probably damaged some of the scarred area here." he circles the lower part. "Air is now leaking into your chest cavity causing too much pressure from outside and collapsing the right lobe. If the spot doesn't seal itself and we don't intervene you might get too much pressure on your heart."

Did I just say I can't breathe at all? Now is the moment!
I turn as white as the wall behind me. "What do you have to do?"
My hands won't stop shaking even though I burry them under my legs.
"There are different options. One is a chest tube, which you're familiar with. That stays in place for a few days and gives the hole time to seal itself. Or we can go in and seal it up."
As brave as I seem when faced with fierce, maybe even deadly opponents, surgery scares the sht out of me so I shake my head and clearly state. "No! No."
"We can try getting the air out by needle aspiration but that might have to repeated and maybe it's not enough. Take a moment and think about it."
He motions with his head for the door where my family could hear all of it.
"You have 15 minutes."

Then he's gone as fast as he came leaving me sitting completely baffled in my mystery.
What did I tell Brody about not needing CapMed, about sucking it up and that my baby and Ky are worth all of it? I still stand by my word but now I wish I was entitled to those government benefits rather than this butchery.
I burry my face in both hands- the good and the bad one- he didn't even mention. "Fuck this!"

OOC: Marr isn't well, so I'll answer first.

What I have to take in is almost too much. I don't want to have surgery, nor do I want another tube stuck in the side of my chest, yet my physically poor state and the pain push me to make a decision because I'm unsure how much longer I can handle this.
What the doctor said about my heart getting too much pressure scares the shit out of me, too.

Once he's out the door I'm ready to break down. I just want to curl into a ball and this all to be done.
I look at Kyanite and my baby girl in her arms waiting outside and know I have to make a tough and clever decision. She needs me. I'd like to think so at least. If only someone would tell me what I should do.

Nolan is the first to enter so I try to appear calm and collected. Obviously it's not working because he can read me like a book and even though we barely know each other he's right by my side tugging at the strings of my heart because he's so caring.
"Matthew. Talk to me, kid." His hand is running over my fairly long hair, that's still full of dirt and some blood. But the gesture is so kind, for a moment it feels as if he was MY father.

I can't even look at him right now though. I'm too worried, my breaths even shorter.
So I wait for Kyanite to come and give me her hand before I look up for a brief moment with creased brow.
"The right part of my lung has collapsed again. He said there's some air leaking into the area around it. They need to fix that or it could end badly."
I try not to get too explicit in order not to worry my girl friend.
"He was talking about surgery or a tube or getting that air out with a needle." I shudder at the thought and make a face to hide my true fears.
"All pretty gross options. I think I'll try number three, seems the least painful." Half of my words are barely aduible due to the shallow rapid breathing that doesn't allow me enough air for a real explanation.

For a moment I feel like an idiot whining about needles when Nolans son has just spent months in the hospital and laid up, almost dying because a bullet ripped apart his insides.
Yet my eyes dart to his father for help, for some sort of advice or comfort. The kind my real father never gave to me.

It's an aweful situation I'm faced with right now and that I'd love to just pass out on again but I need to handle it. I#d feel incredibly lost if it wasn't for my two girls and one man, who is very quickly grwing on me. Their presence gives me the support I need to see this through even though I'm terrified.
'Suck it up!' I tell myself over and over in my head but have a hard time finding the strength within myself because all I can do is gasp and hope the lightheadedness won't knock me off my feet before I can tell them what I want. I'm desperate. Now I understand what Brody felt like.


"Less painful but how successfull will it be Matthew? Will it fix the problem? I know you don't want the chest tube again, but what about the surgery? It shouldn't be that bad. They will put you out while they do the procedure, won't they?"
My answer is a strong shake of my head. I can't have that,not right now, not so close to the pregames and the reaping. "I don't want anybody to cut me open. Not if there are other options." I protest. By now I'm really having one hell of a time to keep it together. My head would be bright red if it wasn't for the lack of oxygen and the growing pressure on my chest. The wetness in my eyes is also impossible to hide.

The girl by my side keeps a cool, level head despite her usual tendency to dramatize. Funny how she can be my anchor in the worst situations. Even when I screwed up.
"Matthew, you are old enough to make your own decision but whatever you decide I will stand behind you, okay? Don't do a quick fix... try to see what procedure will be the most successful, okay? ASk them. They will tell you, or do you want me to?"
Her words make sense. I should choose the surgery right away but that's just not the way I work.

Just like that she gives me our baby whose head rests softly agains my shoulder. Like a secret remedy she somehow calms me down a little. Maybe it's the fact that Ky's not closing me out of Mira's life because I got involved in a fight again.

I feel her small body snuggle up against the left side of my chest.
But her small weight feels like more pressure when I should have less.
Kyanite says something before she steps outside but I'm barely listening because my vision is getting blotchy again so I lean back sliding further down to get my head lower than my feet, which makes breathing even harder.
My free hand goes to my face to cover it while Mira starts fuzzing and I'm worried she'll slip from my hands.

Nolan has listened to our brief talk but he'sright by my side waiting to help or advice when asked. With unsteady hands I lift Mira off my chest just far enough so he can take her and ask him. "Take her?"
For some reason I feel the need to justify what I'll decide. Maybe I'm looking for some confirmation from him.
"It's right before the reaping. I can't do it now, if I get reaped they'll eat me alive. If the other way works I'll do that." I can barely get 4 words out without gasping and definetly don't have enough for an argument so I placemy hand on his that holds my daughter. "Reason with her, please."

If I wasn't so desperate, short breathed and weak I might have been able to make a sensible decision. This way all I know is that I'm not doing well, I can barely hear all of Nolans words because my ears sound like there was a waterfall around the corner. My vision is blurry, too. But I can see the way he looks at Mira, how he holds her and keeps smoothing back my hair. He cares so much.

I'm incredibly thankful that he's here when I'm unable to be strong myself, which is strange because usually I would be embarassed but Nolan has a way with people. Around him I feel I can be myself in any kind of state. I wish it was my father sitting here with me, giving me advice and holding my baby daughter.

I know Nolan wants me to pick the surgery because of our baby. There's a good chance that next time my lung collapses I won't have access to a doctor and then I'm screwed.
My head is spinning with worries and thoughts when another one enters my mind: Money. Who will pay for all of this?
As a career, the center paid for sports injuries, as a pk, CapMed paid but now? I have no income and nothing in the bank.

My hand reaches for his arm to pull him a little closer before my eyes, that I had shut for a moment, flutter open, search for him and I press out. "I can't pay for any of it. The quick fix will have to do."
It's hard to even consider anything when it comes to ones health under the aspect of cash but what can I do?
This is the moment I regret not being a peace keeper anymore.