learning to stand // jb

Cold, against my chest, sending a hollow shiver darting down my spine. The locket, clutched tightly in my hand, is a reminder of my agony, tearing through my body like an outbreak of ruthless fire. It is a reminder of what I have lost, of everything I will lose. Each time it slips my mind, the locket will be there to nudge me and whisper, "Remember, Hannah, YOU'RE STILL BLEEDING!"

("Remember, Hannah, you lost Abra!" "Remember, Hannah, you're coming home in a box!")

I love and hate every moment of it.

My heart feels like a horde of flickering flames, and yet my body feels like a corpse - frosted veins, engulfed in stinging numbness, like I am already lying on the arena ground -

And I don't want to forget them, or the pain of losing them. I don't want to forget Abra. I don't want to forget Clio. Or Katerina. Or Crest. Or Mom, or Dad . . . Colgate, Cordelia . . . .

No, I will not forget. I could not, when these once blissful and now excruciating memories are etched into my mind. I could not forget, when my heart throbs with each beat, when every breath is a wall against the tide of tears.

(How could I possibly forget?)

I can't rip the memories - their faces, the sound of their voices, every moment I spent with them - ricocheting off the walls of my head, I can't drown out their screams -

"DON'T YOU DARE FORGET, HANNAH!"

(I won't, I promise.)

Abraxas Morrigan's touch is still burning on my skin by the time they allow Clio into the Justice Building. My heart pounds like the toll of the clock, throbbing once more at her all too familiar face. Our expressions match - rivers in our eyes, walls stacked up on our brims.

Only mine crumbles, the moment she says, "Hannah . . . Oh, Hannah," and holds her hand out to me.

I don't take it, and instead I am crashing into her embrace, every bit of strength I held spiraling down the drain. The tears fall, but they're not raindrops. They are a downpour, a flood unleashed from the heavens. My arms grip Clio so tightly, because I know I will have to let her go. I know the men in white will drag her away from me.

"Clio, I . . . I'm going to die. They're going to kill me just like they killed all those children before me. I don't want to die! I can't just leave everything behind and cease to exist!" my words are cracked at first by the tears, and then shattered by the sobs that take over at last.

It's what the Capitol and its serpents do.

They shatter things.

sea and the rock below

cocked to the undertow

❧

{ table: zoë }