elara stell || d1. fin

"Have you trained today?"

"Yes ma'am,"

"Are you lying to us?"

"No sir,"

And that was it. 

Formal words and short exchanges. It has been my whole life.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Sometimes I wonder if a life in silence would have been better. I'm sure it would not have been much different. I doubt it could possibly be any worse. 

The sound of forks clanking on plates is all that fills the dining room. I would try and force small talk, but nothing, barely a response. No one to tell me it would be okay. No one to wipe my tears as they fall down my face. No one to care. 

Maybe it's better this way.

I've learned to look out for myself because no one truly cares. Even when they say they do. Even when they're supposed to.

Is everything a lie? I'm not sure anymore. I know people lie. They lie about anything, anything that will get them ahead. Anything that will make them look better. Anything to make themselves feel good.

I tell myself my parents care about me.

I guess I'm a liar too.

They say that you need to hear people say I love you.

That it helps. That if you hear it enough, you begin to believe it. Even if they're lying.

They've never said it to me. Not that I can remember at least. Does that mean they don't love me? 

I'm not sure.

I am sure that if they told me it now, I wouldn't believe them.

It's made me cold. Colder than I've ever wanted to be. Whenever someone gets to close I push them away. They say how they care. How much they love me. How they would never hurt me. All that crosses their lips is lies.

And I've dealt with too many liars.

Harsh words and anything to get them away. I can not let them in. I know that I will only end up hurt. It has happened one too many times. No one truly cares, even if they say they do. So I will not let them in.

I will not be hurt again.

I am cold. 

So I train by myself. I go home by myself. I sleep by myself.

It is not better this way.