country roads, take me home :: n krearns

One look into his eyes and I can feel the curse trying to infect me. It is the disappointment that pulsates from my father that is forcing me to the confines of my own home. So called friends, washed away over the failure that has knocked me down a plinth. All I am forced to do is watch the one who takes the baton for the family, father’s new precious toy that he enjoys to play catch with in the backyard.

All I can do is sprinkle the poison onto him. Not too obvious, my claim to his end cannot be in public view. None of it is carrying through though, maybe little Niven is immune, unlike the vanishing cripple. For weeks I have taken in the fury from my father…for both of us. Two servings of what Newt should be taking in – where is that bastard?

My body sinks into the comfort of the couch, a little ceasefire in the day to relish before father reloads his gun.

Of course Niven’s voice is the thing that disturbs it before it even begins. An obscure greeting to whoever has walked through the door. I force myself to investigate and evident answer is a relief and disappointment. ”So you dared to actually come back home? It really is surprising from you, Newt.”

got lost along the road
no sense confusing
a quake for a tremble.

I didn't expect him to take my hand, not at all. It fell quickly back to my side as Nevah called out to the last of us three. "So you dared to actually come back home? It really is surprising from you, Newt." Lips parted, a sigh tumbled out. "I won't be here for long though, just passing through." Yet, among these two, my brother and sister, I do not feel alike. Instead I feel the weight of why Newt left, why Dad takes out all his anger of Nevah. I don't deserve to be the golden child, anymore.

Father's voice goads me in my head, that I'm better than this. That the twins are failed, damaged and I'm the one left to hold this family's name in gold. I only turn things to rust, flaking into the air in tiny flecks. I deserve nothing at all.

I glance behind at Nevah, and back towards Newt in the doorframe. I don't deserve to break anything, not like this. "While you're both here, I'm sorry." It still feels like I owe them something. There is only so much that words can pay back, and they mean next to nothing when fury is involved. It's like string to tie up a wound, ineffective. Yet, I can't see how to make everyone happy. Someone will always feel disappointment.

After all, that's how the world goes around, right?

i try and tell myself
that time’s cold, cold, cold
but i know deep down
that fortune favors the bold, bold, bold.