Devoid | Bubby Caro Death Post

Hold on to the memories
They will hold onto you

Words sat unspoken on scarlet soaked lips. A soliloquy of ‘I love you’s’ laced with intentions hidden by the wrong tones of voice. Were my tear-crusted eyes properly portraying my goodbyes, or had my pupils already glazed over with death’s rune?

Would Alistair ever know the things I never got to say? Would he know that when he invited me to dance in the sand, he changed my life forever. Did he know that his innocent flirt with an impressionable boy, passably cute altered every decision I’d ever make? 

Did he know I hated him for leaving my by that rock, rejected and alone? Did he know I was terrified to propose my life to be completely his, but he’s the one who gave me the courage I used? I hoped he knew I hated him for that.

I hoped he knew, I knew. I always knew he’d come back. No, I didn’t think it’d take my death sentence, but I knew he’d be back.

I’m sure he hated himself. Blamed himself for not being here. I’m sure he’s forgetting to blame Mauve who was the textbook definition of a psychopath. I’m sure he was forgetting to blame the Capitol. I hope he doesn’t blame himself. Although, maybe he should, I hope he doesn’t.

As my soul slipped my skin, did he know he was my last thought? Could he hear my farewell? Did he know the last thing I ever heard was the sound of him saying, ‘I do.’

Could he hear me say it too?

Please don’t ever become a stranger
Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere