Hellebore Ceallach, 12

Hellebore "Bo" Ceallach
Male
14
District 12


How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Who Are You?

I am Hellebore Ceallach, but only my mother and teachers call me Hellebore. Most people call me Bo. I am the smartest kid in my class, but no one can tell because I have dyslexia so I can't read properly. Everyone treats me like an idiot because I struggle through school, but if they actually too a break from kicking my ass to hear what I have to say they would realize that I am much smarter than any of them. And then they'd probably kick my ass again.

I am very passionate about the things I love, but I have trouble expressing my emotions, people seem to think that because I'm quiet and calculating that I must be dead inside, but I care about things I care so fucking much, you just can't see it in my face, I can't express it properly. It's hard for me to make friends because I seem so distant, and sometimes that makes me feel like I slowly crumbling from the inside. My mom and my brother do their best to be my friends, but I know that they get frustrated too.

It just takes a while to get under my shell, but it's worth it I swear. I am pretty generous, and I'll do anything for those I care about. I'm pretty laid back, I'm happy doing whatever makes those around me happy. On my own I usually enjoy doing chemistry experiments or cooking. They're very similar, more so than people think. Especially baking, baking is a science.

I hate feeling like an idiot, but unfortunately it happens all the time. I have to do calming exercises when I get upset because I have an explosive temper. I don't mean to explode but I can't control it very well. It comes like a wave, covering my eye with black and blocking my ears with a rushing sound, and when I come back to myself, my knuckles are aching and my peers look at me with a terror that stabs me in the heart. It makes me feel like a monster.[/i] I wish I could control it, so that I could defend myself, but when the other boys in my class find me in a back alley of the seam after school, my mad anger is nowhere to be found.

Where Did You Start?[/font][/colour][/size]

I have a sister you know, Juniper. She's eighteen and I love her more than anything, but I never get to see her.Mom says she's a whore. She left when I was 12, and I have only seen her from a distance since then. I don't give a shit if she is a whore, I just want her back. When I was little, and used to have my blackouts, Juniper was the only one who could calm me down without an attack. She understands me like nobody else in the world and I miss her so much.

My family first realized that I was different when I was five. I didn't learn how to read at the speed the other kids did, and my 'toddler tantrums' didn't fade as I matured. I think I scared my parents, taking care of a child with special needs in District 12 can be more than it's worth, but they didn't give up on me. We worked as a unit to get me reading and writing, and we're still working towards a better management of my anger.

My younger brother Rubus helps me work through a lot of my limitations, simply because he looks up to me. I love him fiercely and am extremely protective of him, especially at school where I've seen both Juniper and myself terribly injured by bullies. Rubus is the perfect one of the family, good thing fucked-up isn't contagious. I want nothing more in this world than for Rubus to live a long and perfect life.If he was reaped I would volunteer in a heartbeat.

I went through a period when I was twelve, just after Juniper left, where I convinced myself I was worthless. I hardly talked or ate, I dropped what little extra weight I had managed to maintain in District 12, and when nothing seemed to numb the goddamn apathy of my personality, I began to cut myself. I found one of my father's razors on the floor of the bathroom, forgotten behind the bin, and secreted it into my room. It started out wonderful, the sharpness of the pain made it easy to forget that I was so numb. It was so real, it seemed like a solution. But after a few months, the novelty wore off and slicing my skin open just made me feel worse.

I almost killed myself. I had it all planned out, I just needed the perfect day, but then I saw Juniper on the street. We made eye contact for the first time in half a year, and the look on her face told me so much about myself. In that look I saw the truth. Juniper couldn't possibly know the pain I've been in, because if she did she would be back with me in a heartbeat, estranged or no. She needed me, she was only staying away from us because of my mother, and because she assumed it was best for us. She loved me as much as I loved her, and it pained her to be away from me too. The realization that I mattered to someone that much, that she didn't think I was numb or apathetic, helped me out of the dark place I was hiding in. I still have the scars, and sometimes the temptation to make new etchings is almost unbearable, but I always try to remember Juniper and Rubus and how much I mean to them, and it stays my hand.

I nearly dropped out of school this year, Juniper did it when she was 16. I get bullied almost every day, and the other kids taunts hurt just as much as their feet and fists. I could feel them tugging me back towards the dark places I had found refuge from, towards the blackout anger that terrifies me as thoroughly as it does everyone else. I talked it over with my mother and she explicitly forbade me to drop out of school. So I stayed, and Rubus helped me through some of my schoolwork, and helps me keep the bullies at bay most days. It's hellishly hard, but I'm managing.

That's a good description of my life actually.

What Do You Look Like?[/font][/colour][/size]

I have shaggy medium brown hair, that turns almost blonde in the summertime. I hate it. Juniper said my eyes were "As blue as the sky, the capitolites should make diamonds to match 'em, they'd sell right away!" So I guess that's good. I've still got some baby fat on my cheeks, which is infuriating because it makes me look younger than I am. My mouth is wide like my father's "good for laughing," he says. I don't think I'm all that handsome, but my teeth are straight and I don't have a unibrow so that's the important thing.

I am exceedingly pale, no matter how much time I spend in the sun, and that makes the angry scars on my arm stand out like a street sign, so I always wear long sleeves. I'm a little short for my age, 5'3, but my limbs are all long and awkward, and I trip over them all the time. I have a pair of old work boots that I wear everyday because they're familiar and comforting, despite the tears and stains. Obviously I'm skinny, everyone in District 12 is skinny.

We're not a well off family, but we're faring better than some and because of that, my family has the luxury of nicer clothes. I prefer neutrals and blues because they don't attract me anymore attention, and I like the comforting scratch of wool jumpers more than any other sensation.

My nails are short and broken from chewing, my cheeks are perpetually flushed, my body is small but not fit, my hands are very large for my height. I often have scratches or bruises on my body. My ears are weirdly pointed so I hide them with my hair. I'm just like everyone else. Why can no one see that

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free

does
says
hears
thinks
lyrics: Mumford and Sons Awake My Soul
faceclaim: Jacob Kogan



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