turning a new leaf / callan&nixie / blitz

I suppose my reason for going to the bar in Four was more of a celebratory one. The victory tour was over. I'd met so many people. Some of the interactions were pleasant: others not so much. Regardless, being home was nice.

I know many people in District Four who go to the bars on a regular basis are there to drink their sorrows away. They dry to down the booze to drown their sadness, and I wonder if it actually ever gets them anywhere.

When I entered the bar, I was immediately greeted by a young man with a smile on his face and his hand extended in a welcome. I suppose I should have expected to be recognized as soon as I entered any establishment. I just wasn't used to it yet.

He introduced himself as Callan Carter, and I wondered if there was a relation. I'd paid enough attention to past Games to know the name Nanette Carter. Maybe that's why he was here: drowning his sorrows in regards to her. I wouldn't make too much of an assumption, though.

I returned the smile and shook his hand.

"A pleasure to meet you as well, Mr. Carter."

I then look to the bartender and order myself a drink. I needed something with a little whiskey in it. It just felt... right, in the moment.

"I'll get you a drink. What would you like?" I ask my new acquaintance.

Callan seemed kind. After he ordered himself a coke, he insisted that he'd pay for our drinks, and I felt bad, in a way. I had plenty of cash from winning the Games, and had no idea what he had. I hoped I wasn't taking away from money that he needed. I had more than enough to spare. Determining it best not to say anything about that, though, I followed as he led me to a table in the pub.

He mentioned his relation to Nanette, which I had suspected. I had initially decided not to mention it, just in case I was wrong or it was a sensitive subject, but since he'd brought it up, I listened to what he had to say as I sat across from him, and decided that talking about her was okay.

Callan mentioned that Nanette probably would have liked me, and I gave him a soft smile.

"That's nice to hear," I said to him. "I never got to meet her, but she seemed like the type of person I would've liked, too."

I took a sip of my drink. The whiskey was strong. Fitting.

"I'll be honest, though, I don't think of myself as very likeable. I feel like I can be a bit... difficult."

Honesty was something I always made sure to have. I hated lying to people, even if it would benefit me to do so.

He hadn't been able to watch much of my Games, he had said, but that didn't offend me. I didn't expect everyone to be paying attention to every waking minute of the Games, or even paying attention to much of the Games at all, to be totally honest. It just wasn't what some people enjoyed watching. I was that way for quite a few years. I watched Wander's Games, but after ve 'died' in the Games, before we knew all the 80th tributes were going to live, I stopped watching. I stopped watching for a few years, actually.

He said that people were excited for me having won the Games, and yeah, I definitely saw that. He wanted to know if I was excited, too, though, which I suppose was a really good question. I definitely had been really excited at first, for sure. How did I feel now, though? I'd killed a friend to get here. Was that worth being excited over?

"You know..." I started. "I'm not entirely sure. I was definitely excited at first. I mean, I didn't die, and I get that whole feeling of 'hey, I won!' but like, at the same time, I had to kill a friend to get here."

I didn't regret any of the killing I did, but that didn't mean I couldn't feel a little bad about having to kill Whiskey. There weren't going to be any apologies. I wasn't sorry for what I did, but I still wished it didn't have to got that way.

I paused for a moment before speaking again.

"Sorry, I'm getting a little too deep on things. I didn't mean to."

Callan seemed to understand, despite not having been through the mess himself. Yeah, I'd consider the Games to be a mess. They're certainly not neat and orderly, that's for sure. They're traumatic no matter who you are, even if you're a career tribute going into it, like I was. I may have enjoyed some of my kills, but it still didn't feel like I was meant to kill Whiskey Finch. No matter how necessary it was, I wish it hadn't ended up that way.

Still, I'll never apologize for it. I did what I had to in order to win and survive.

"It's okay not to feel excited by that, you know. I think people forget that, because we are careers, you know?" When he said this two me, it made me really realize that I had felt a little bit of guilt about not being totally thrilled by everything that had happened.

"Yeah," I responded. "I guess I was just trained to think that's how things should be, though. We're conditioned to be emotionless killers who are happy about every minute of the Games, but that's just not how things work. At least not completely." He didn't need me to admit that I enjoyed killing the first four people I killed. That wasn't his business. He was a stranger, even with a connection to Nanette.

He told me it was better to let it out than hold it in. That I didn't need to apologize, and that he'd been there in his own way. I wondered if he minded me asking. Would I be prying too much? I decided to ask anyway.

"If you don't mind me asking, how'd you handle everything? With Nanette, I mean."

Losing friends while in the arena was painful. I wondered how it was watching it on the screen.