Here we go again {jays jb 95th}

Any second now my family would walk through that door…

I paced back and forth in the justice building marching to the pace of my racing heart. The last minutes had gone completely over my head. One second I was sure that Icarus and I would be soon on our merry way back home and the next thing I knew I was up on that stage after having volunteered.

I fucking volunteered.

I was going to go to the capitol and then the arena. Icarus would be left alone with mom, and I knew for a fact that he would not know what to do. He has actively avoided helping me with her care for the longest time now and it would be up to him till I get…if I get back. Slowly the panic had started to settle in, and my breathing became more and more heavy as the thought of abandoning my family nested in my mind. Each inhalation came with a sharp pain of guilt and fear, it did not matter how much I breathed in, there never seemed to be enough air.

Suffocation out of sheer distress might be the end of me before I even step foot onto that train.

Would my family think I was finally abandoning them? Did they think this was all part of my elaborate plan to get away from district nine?

I was not abandoning them; this was not the same as running of to district six. This was for them; this was to give us a fighting chance of all of us being back home together. I knew in a few moments that my uncles and aunts would start to file into the room, each one of them wanting to say their goodbyes. I knew that they would say that they had to tried to get mom, but she was not here. Of course not, there was no reality where she would be of sound mind on reaping day. There was not a moment of doubt that I was in no position to face my mother.

I always had to be the bigger and braver person around her, and I was okay with that. Just not now. I did want to have to coddle a grown woman while I was struggling to convince myself that everything will be okay. Right now, all I needed was for someone to hug me and tell me that they believe in me. Right now, in this very moment, I did not want to have to be the adult of my family. I was the one in need of their support for once. What I needed the most was to be assured that they were not angry.

Any second now they would walk through that door….

I wanted my brother to promise me that he will do his best while I was gone, I wanted my uncles to ensure me that they will take care of my mother the same way they took care of me when she could not. I just wanted to wake up in my bed and for this to be a nightmare that had gotten slightly out of hand. I bit my lip hard as I did my best to ward off the tears. I was not even sure why I felt like crying. Was it because I was scared? Was I sad? Or was it the anxiety and disbelief of everything that just had happened. The more I struggled against the build up in my eyes, the more it felt like I was going to burst into a sobbing puddle. I did not want anyone to see me like this, eyeliner and mascara running down my cheeks was not how I wanted them to remember me. The only thing I could do was ensure them that I would brave and that started here in this very moment.

Moments go by, the silence was louder than my heavy breath. In my mind I started to pray that at least one of them would come. I needed one of them to come, there was so much left to say.

I could only hope that...

...Any second now they would walk through that door.