arissa l. krigel >> district 4, resub

arissa l. murdock-krigel


⧏ x ⧐


go and fix your makeup girl, it's just a breakup
run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady
'cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together
even when you fall apart
but this ain't my mama's broken heart

---

All I've ever wanted to be is a good mother. 

If there's anything you must know about me, is that I'm very determined. And if you're worth it, I'll always be there for you, I'll bend over backwards for you, I'll kill for you. I'll hide the body myself, you know? Me and my girl friends used to joke around like that all the time back in the academy- that if Athena's boyfriend cheated one more time we'd skew his dick off with a school ruler and staple it to the great oak tree in the courtyard. That way everybody'd know how little a man he really was. 

I laughed at that a little too long. 

I've grown up since then, of course. Any girl will tell you; there's nothing worse than being a teenager. Imagine me - the hard working scholar gymnast that only wanted her daddy's approval - having to bleed and grow through the shadows that came with Leon's life. That motherfucker is dead to me, and I wish his idiotic brain had exploded before Nataniel joined him. It's been 23 years, and I have never forgiven him. 

It's been 23 years, and he hasn't shown his face since. I've had kids since then, and all he's done is become a sex slave to a flamboyant capitalist. Congratulations Leon, you won the ultimate prize: drugs, sex and therapy galore. I hope you're happy knowing your nieces and nephews hate you - even the ones you aren't related to, like Circe. That girl's just like you, full and full and full of conceit. 

Most of my kids are, they get it from their narcissistic father. Do you know Orleander? No, you don't get to call him Ollie, not even his own brother can get away with that on a bad day. Not without a knife to his throat, at least. It makes me chuckle, in a very pathetic way. It reminds me of my real niece, Isobel, and that despicable- Valentino Salazar, I'm sure you've heard of the villain. Three districts away and he still found a way to poison my family tree, but I guess that's the whole thing with Eden and snakes. 

They only strike what they want. 

I just want my step-daughters to be able to avoid it. Not handle it, not survive it- avoid those bastards altogether. Blyth and Darcy are both strong, but Lottie is so young, and I can only keep her from Ollie how I can. And when they scream at me, I scream back, because I love them so much. And they don't understand yet why mommy gets so angry, while daddy always yells in whispers. They don't hear how he talks to me when the doors are closed - I hear what he does to them, and says to them, and I have to agree because there's no other choice. 

And, in a sad way, I know it's for the best. 

In this world, we have to be like this. We have to be the sharks, and we have to eat our own weak. All it takes is one black sheep and the Capitol has its example; not only of the Murdocks, but of the Krigels. As long as we perform just as they want, they'll only take as much as they need. We study the other families daily; the more you lose, the more you pay. 

So we will win.

And those who can't win, must leave.

And I'll only cry when the coast is clear, because I love them so much. I can't afford to show them that a woman is allowed to cry outside of rage.