angels in real-time. xov&ines, day6.

INES IZAR

“It’s Xov.” My eyes fly open, shock registering in them as the neural links in my brain start to re-wire, trying to reconcile with a new person’s name to learn. I feel stupid for making the assumption in the heat of battle – because of course Lucky would have given her a name other than her own. He’d never respect either of us enough to call us by our real names. It all comes together, puzzle pieces sliding into place.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur, heat rising into my cheeks. “I didn’t learn anyone’s names. I thought it would be easier like that.” But maybe that makes me just as bad as Lucky. I shudder at the thought.

“You were Marcus’s district partner, right?”

Marcus. A name I do remember – one of the only ones I allowed to stay with me since the beginning. The train memory steps forward. I see Marcus in a burnt orange glow, telling me I have a chance. Harbinger, too, the Rhodes name proving as steadfast and determined as the Izars. It’s not hard to visualise Marcus standing strong in front of Xov as she recounts the events of two days ago: the sacrificial lamb, unflinching in the face of death.

“I didn’t want to see Lucky kill you too.” I wonder how it must feel for her, to see a girl swathed in the colours of Marcus, as defenceless and fearful as she likely was herself only days ago. Does she see me as a friend, or simply a debt to pay? Had it been choice or instinct that made her decide to shield me? And where did that leave us now?

I sit in my silence, listening to her grief unfold. I nod my head; I think I understand.

“Were you and Felicity together? I mean… do you have someone…?”

There’s a cluster of rocks in my stomach; I keep swallowing more, getting weighed down by the granite every time I breathe, every time her name is brought back to life. I remember the way it felt to see her standing beside Lionel, wondering how we could both fit into her life in the Arena.

I want to confide in Xov about the kindness Felicity offered to a girl she barely knew, but more than that, I don’t want to voice these hidden fears. I don’t want to give them even more leverage over me.

“No, we weren’t… together. I don’t know. We were sort of friends? I know it sounds stupid.” But it’s not to me. The dark cloud of anxiety creeps closer, blocking out the harsh sun. I know it won’t leave – not now, maybe never – but for a few moments, with her, the colours came back.

Boom.

The cannon shocks us both, even though it shouldn’t. I turn back in time to watch Maggie drive the end of her glaive into the belly of the girl that killed Azure all those moons ago. Somewhere in my veins, I feel a soft sighing relief that fights against the nausea rising in my throat.

The fight dissipates almost immediately with the boys scurrying away, grains of sand flying around in their wake. Maggie pauses to survey her surroundings, head glancing around, searching for something unseen. I hold my breath in anticipation, wondering whether she’ll look up and see me. Wondering if I still trust her to protect me now that we’re both killers, both so close to the end.

But she doesn’t look up. She barely looks back at the girl she’s just murdered. It’s only forwards from here. You need to do the same.

“I was with Maggie. She’s probably the only reason I’m still alive.” I look back at Xov, knowing she might be the only person in here that could relate. “I guess she’s not coming back for me, though.” It had been bound to happen. Maggie might be loyal, to an extent, but she was too smart for living in the past. I could only pray that, now that we were separated, it would stay that way forevermore.

“It’s probably for the best.” I let the words sit between us, the unspoken meaning in them crystal clear – we should split up, too. At this stage of the Games, alliances are forgotten, and the company you keep is the company that will slit your throat in a matter of hours. We both realise it – even I’m smart enough to accept this new, tragic reality.

And yet, we don’t move.

Not for a while, anyway.

I think a stronger girl would walk away before the strands of our existence became too tightly intertwined; but I think a smarter girl would know that it’s already too late to remain separated.

And so, for a while, we sit together, knowing it can’t last, no, but giving each other this one final kindness, swallowing the sweetness of the moment like it’s sugar water and we are nothing more than starved bees, desperately trying not to die out.