//Wake Up\\ and {{Smell}} the ~Roses~ {Sam}

Jay Falloway the Third

It's just one of those days. You know what I'm talking about. The kind of day where you wonder why you got out of bed in the first place. One of those days where your mom is looking at you like you're a failure no matter what, that you'll never be as good as your sister. And your dad just sits there at the breakfast table, hiding behind his newspaper, pretending he doesn't even know you're there. The kind of day where everyone pretends that everything's okay, when it's not. Because your sister, the one who does everything right, is dead, and you're the only that knows it. Because your parents are holding on to the hope that she's still alive, and you can't tell them she's dead or else you'll be too. Because there's not a single living person in the world that knows you're gay, so you just keep pretending. Yeah. I'm having one of those days.

Breakfast was always been an awkward affair, even before Desiree went "missing." Dad ignores me most of the time, unless I speak directly to him, in which case he just grunts and acts like that's the answer I wanted. Mom is always asking me about school, and shoving her expectations down my throat. Nothing's changed, really. Desiree's gone, but she was so busy with college that we hadn't seen her at breakfast much anyway. The only thing that's different now is Mom. She has way too many demands now, and I have no hope of doing everything she wants. Not that I had much hope before.

"Jay," she says sharply, like she's been calling my name for a while. She hasn't, though. She's always like this when she talks to me, her words acid like she's eternally pissed at me for not doing something. "I think it would be good for you to start thinking about your future." She always says this. Its her opening line to everything, I think. When she's talking to me, at least. I brace myself for another lecture on my grades and how I need to be better if I want to get into college, and why can't I be more like Desiree? But surprisingly, she says nothing about school. What she does say is almost worse. "Your father and I would like you to get married someday." My stomach lurches, and for a second, I think my toast is going to make a second appearance. "Now, I know you don't have a girlfriend, so I was thinking we could try to find someone-" I know what's coming. I don't believe for a second that Dad cares about me getting married, and I know for a fact that Mom only wants me married so she gush about her angelic grandchildren to her friends. I will never get married. I don't want to, and certainly not to someone my mother picks out. I now this is what she's about to suggest, and I know I have to make sure she doesn't do this. So for some reason, I say, "I have a girlfriend."

There's a silence so loud, I think I might scream. I'm waiting for Mom to jump up and point her finger at me, shout, "Aha!" and then scold me for lying. I half expect her to tell me she knows I'm gay, even though that's impossible. The silence stretches for so long, Dad peers at us from behind his newspaper, checking to see if we're still there. Mom raises her eyebrows at me, and I can see that she's mad I interrupted her. "You have a girlfriend? Then why haven't I had the pleasure of meeting her?" I swallow hard, then shove a piece of toast in my mouth, trying to buy myself some time. I chew slowly, madly trying to think up a story while still appearing cal to my mother. "She's just...afraid you won't like her." I say, hoping my mom will buy it. She does. "Well, let her know I'd like to meet her. We could have her over for dinner sometime this week." I pray she doesn't ask the girl's name as I leap up from my chair and deliver a swift kiss to her cheek. "I'm actually supposed to meet her, and I'm late," I lie. I say goodbye and rush out the door.

She won't expect me back for a few hours, at least. I don't have money with me, so I can't go shopping to pass the time. I could sit in the park and wait it out, but parks don't appeal to me much. Though I suppose I could always window shop. I start heading for one of my favorite shops, but a quick glance at my clothes stops me. I'm wearing casual clothes for once, and the shop I want to go to is pretty high-end. I doubt they'd let me in dressed like this, even knowing who I am. I end up at the park, sitting on a bench that faces a little pond. There are two little girls wading in it, barely five years old, trying to sneak up on a duck that's drifting across the surface.

I watch a few people pass by. The park is pretty crowded today. It's really nice out, so it's no wonder. A sick feeling of dread creeps up in my stomach as I realize I'm really going to have to girlfriend. If I tell Mom I broke up with her, she'll know I was lying. I have to get someone to come to dinner with my family. I'll have to act like I'm straight, which will probably involve some cuddling and other mushy stuff. But I hope I can get away without kissing her. And then I realize something else. What girl is going to want to pretend to be girlfriend? No one. I'm going to have to act like I really like this girl. I'll have to lie and pretend I have feelings for when I don't. I don't want to do that to anyone, but I have to. Once again, I'm being selfish, and other people are going to get hurt. I'm turning into a horrible person. But I guess it's just one of those days.