(If I'm Lucky) Maybe You'll Fade Away [Meeka]

The woods have gone eerily still and all that is left, is the sound left of my labored breaths, mingled with those of Trig and the sounds of branches snapping beneath our feet. Each twig breaking, every rustle the leaves make in the wind, bring my heart to a standstill. Although we move slowly, cautiously forcing ourselves to move forwards, the sounds echo like thunder cracks through the ghostly silence. My heart beats in my ears.

Trig has long since fallen quiet and I fear for him.

He won't survive for much longer and I doubt that I can either. He has grown over the past few months. He is just inches shy of becoming a man. I've never been prouder. He has committed to this journey without even a noise of protest - and he would have every right to. But his laughter has died and all traces of childhood have been wiped from his features, replaced by a look of fierce determination and resignation... as if he has resigned to his fate. But he is still just a child and he cannot take much longer, even if he won't admit it, for I have realised it.

I do not remember for how many hours we have been walking now. I used to count them. But then, we had also made more stops in the beginning. Now we have taken to just stumbling silently beside one another, neither of us speaking even a whisper, each of us left alone with the terror of confronting ones own voices inside our heads. My feet feel torn and my shoes barely count for shoes anymore, and I spend more time tripping because of them, but even then, I am too exhausted to take them off. We have just a scrap of food left and the woods are stripped of all berries. I don't have the energy to hunt and neither does my brother.

I glance briefly down at my fingers. They are covered in grime and dirt, collected over the weeks we have been tripping and stumbling. Or has it been months? I do not even know where we are or for how long we have been travelling. There is a thin, silver band on my left hand. The ring. I could have sold it for food. I could have sold it for protection. But I daren't. It is all that I have left of her.

Her.

Tammy. She was probably dead, and it was a fool's hope, but a hope at last, that somehow and somewhere she was still alive and well. But then, I had told her to move on. I had told her that I loved her, but that there was no hope for us. For her and for me. That letter tore me apart. It hurt to write the truth...

Oh, Tammy.

There is a trip and a resounding crash that follows. "Trig!" Trig has fallen. Low moans escape him and I crouch down beside his fallen frame. "Trig? Stand up, Trig. We must go on. We cannot rest until nightfall." But he is not getting up. Tears sting my eyes and I am terrified that this will be the last of him.

"Go on... Kaya." I have to lean down in order to hear his words and I shake my head immediately once they set into place. "No." My voice is firm and determined. "No, I refuse." I'll die here then, I think.

"Don't do something stupid, Trig. Don't die. Here. You should eat something. Drink. Please." My hands are fumbling and my voice is thick with unshed tears. I blink them away, but some escape anyway and run down my face. My ragged backpack contains the last of our bread and some water. I offer it to him and he gratefully accepts. There goes our last hope. I stand up and look around and my heart just about stops. Or maybe it has stopped.

Yellow eyes stare back at me and they look just as surprised as mine. I take a few shaky steps forwards. My heart is in my throat and this must be the last of my sanity, waving goodbye. "Tammy..." She's not real. She's an illusion. I'm actually dying. Finally I've crossed over and closed any distance that was between us, but she steps back. I'm confused. "You're not real. None of this is real." I reach out to her. I want to touch. God, I need to touch her. I need to know. It can't be real. It simply can't. I said goodbye to her months ago. That was the end of it. I was sure of it. "Tammy..."

And I can't help it. I'm sobbing. The last few months of endless wandering, of nights full of fear, they crash down around me. The Peacekeepers had captured Trig and me... but they had wanted Flight. She couldn't be real. I'm a mess and I'm sure that I look a fright as well, but I do not care enough at the moment. My arms hug my middle and I'm just crying openly for the first time in weeks. So many sleepless nights were spent thinking of her and this is a torture beyond cruelty. If she is not real, then I would prefer dying, and if this is death, then this must be what hell feels like. "...I'm sorry." I'm apologizing, but for what? Apologies leak from my lips, while tears continue to draw lines down my face. "I'm so sorry."

I reach out with my shaking hands and when she does not withdraw, I hold her gaze and touch her face, tracing over her cheeks, her mouth, her nose, barely even touching, just the ghost of a caress. It's a merit to my notion not to degrade myself even further, that I don't gasp out loud. But my hands linger and my eyes remain, trained on her face, drinking in her features, the same that I've had to conjure up in my dreams, so deathly afraid of forgetting. Forgetting would be the worst kind of loss and I could not have survived. She's real. My hands are stiff with cold, but she doesn't flinch. It's her stark show or stoicism that finally makes me draw away from her. My hands now hang limply by my side as she closes her eyes. She's shutting me out.

It stings worse than if she had just slapped me. I would have preferred that... I would have preferred anything, anything, but this. I take another disbelieving step backwards, my face reflecting so many emotions at once: surprise, anguish, confusion, despair, but most of all, hurt. It claws at my insides, digging sharp claws into my flesh and my heart screams.

I did this, I did this, I did this, it's all my fault. I've done this and there is no getting her back.

"Tammy... I..." What? I want to laugh, I want to tear at my hair. I want to destroy every inch of me, but I know that I can't and if it's my sense of self-preservation that keeps me standing.

I glance back down at the silver band that decorates my slim ring finger and the emotions threaten to choke me. The ring teases me. It's a reminder of what we once had and I can't look at it any longer. I look back up and swallow my tears and my emotions, for I refuse to be driven by them. "Nine months," my voice trembles and I shudder, drawing a deep breath. "Nine months is a long time. I..." I love you, was what I wanted to say. I want to shout it, I want to hurl it at her, I want to kick and scream and sob some more. I want to shake Flight.

I love you, I love you... don't you love me?

But, just as I had swallowed her tears, I held back the words. I shudder and close my eyes, before glancing back at the slumped figure that is Trig. "I need to..." I trail off and back away from Flight, coming to a standstill once I have reached his side.

My eyes never leave Flight's. My mouth is dry, my throat feels parched. I cannot remember when I've last had a drink. Nine months... we have been walking for two months now. "He's exhausted," I say, and in my voice, there lies defeat and the very same exhaustion. I place my hand to his forehead and pull it back hastily. "And burning up." Now that I have mentioned it, I can see the moisture on his forehead. He is asleep, at the same time mumbling and shivering. I am sure of it now: he is going to die.

I stand back up and, my eyes finding Flight's once more. Shakily, I make my way over to her. Though this time I've learned better, and I keep my distance. "T-tell me..." I swallow, my throat is so dry that I have trouble forming words. Having walked in complete silence next to Trig for the past few weeks, it is as if I have forgotten how to talk. I close my eyes and start over.

"Tell me... if you want... this back." With considerable effort, I manage to tug the silver ring from my finger and I enclose it in a fist. "I wouldn't blame you." I ignore the renewed welling of tears and hold out my hand, opening the fist to reveal the shiny object that has quite some value, but its sentimental worth is immeasurable. It means the world to me, but if she hates me, then having it on my finger will grow to infest my mind with self-hate and anger.

"No..."

My voice is quiet, fragile in the wind that is slowly picking up. But she has already turned away from me and her words sting. But I am no longer willing to stand here and let her words burn me, as if they held any truth at all. I catch up with her quickly, my hands clasping her upper arm, bringing her to a stop. "No!" I repeat, my voice sharper now and ringing through the otherwise so silent woods. My breath catches momentarily when her eyes find mine. "You can't... you have no... you can't just say that! It isn't fair." My voice has dropped again, the last of the sentence barely even a whisper.

I look over her face, taking in how much she has aged. Not just physically, but mentally as well. She has always looked and seemed older than her years, but now it is more apparent than ever. The thought brings me short. "Tammy... the reverse is still true. You're... you're everything to me, please. Everything." I know that I sound desperate, and I turn her towards me, needing her to listen now, more than ever.

The wind is picking up and although it is still long until winter, I can feel the chill of the impending cold against my cheeks. It will only be a couple of weeks, maybe a month or so, until the first snow begins to fall. Autumn has already taken over, covering the forest floor in leaves, rich in colour. Everything is red, gold and brown, a flurry of colour, a stark contrast to the muddy grey and frozen white that will take over in a few months. I shiver, despite myself, but my voice is stronger than before, cracking only when my emotions take over.

"How can you think, even for a moment, that I have stopped loving you? I wouldn't do that, I couldn't! I came back but you were gone! I'm yours! I have always been yours, I-" I tug at her arm, my distress growing and my voice, finally, cracking on the last syllable. "Please... I just... I just..." my voice falters as I fight back a sob. "I just needed you to know that." And I let go of her, watching as she kneels beside Trig.

I gave you everything, I want to say. But the words have died in me, and I watch her go, my shoulders slumped in knowing defeat. I think of all that I have forsaken to be with her and all things withered and gone, mere memories in the back of my mind and I find, that I will have had it no other way. She has been my life, ever since she stole those pennies from me years ago. And I gave that up to save the last of my family... the very same person who might die from a fever now.

I hover at the side, awkwardly, watching her as she looks over my brother. When she stands up, pulling his arm and over her shoulder, she sags slightly and finally I am forced to move. "Let me... you don't have to do this."

I take his other arm, trying to support part of his weight and make it easier for Flight. I hear her speak of a camp and find myself wondering who the 'we' is. I'm weak and even though I'm trying to help, she's still doing most of the lifting. I feel bad for coming here, for meeting her when it pains her so. But I couldn't have anticipated that I would walk into her. Of all the things...

It takes me a while to find my voice again. "We'll be leaving once he recovers his strength. We'll continue north." The ring is back on my finger and it seems to smolder there. I cannot even look at it.