//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie}

Morgana
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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} May 10, 2011 16:46:17 GMT -5

Post by Morgana on May 10, 2011 16:46:17 GMT -5

Zigger Antonym

Do you ever get the feeling that you're being used? Or maybe not being used, exactly, but you get the feeling that people are placing bets on you? And the only reason you're getting this feeling is because it's happened before? No? Well, I am. And that's part of the reason I'm dreading going to work today. I stand before the gates leading into the mines. I could turn and run, but I know that won't solve anything. I just don't want the guys to ask me about yesterday. Yesterday, when I buried Dessa's parents. The only reason I was picked to bury them was because everyone knows how sumpathetic I am of other people who have lost their parents. And they've no doubt placed bets on whether I talked to Dessa or went to her house or something. Because that's just the sort of thing I'd do, right? Right. Zigger Antonym, the Predictable. Because I did go to her house. I ate dinner with her. And okay, usually the day after I meet an orphan like me, I do my best to forget about them. But Dessa? She's different. I don't want to lose her.

I can't explain it, exactly, but I know that a life with Dessa in it- with a friend- is better than the solitary life I've been living. Don't need anyone, don't need friends. Certainly don't need what they have to offer. I always thought friends just weren't worth it. Why get attatched to someone if they're just going to leave you in the end? But with Dessa, I know that doesn't matter. For some reason, I feel safe with her. Comfortable. I know she would never purposely hurt me.

I step through the gates, donning a yellow hard-hat. I get my assigned area for the day, and head off, down through the tunnels to where I've been told to go. The rest of the guys in my group are already there. There's five others, all men, and all the legal age for working here. You're supposed to be eighteen, and being fifteen, I'm not exactly supposed to be here. There was this guy my parents were friends with, and he's the one that gave me the job.

It's Ray who speaks first. "So, how the burial go?" he asks, a trace of laughter in his voice. "Did you go home with Dessa?" He elbows me lightly, jokingly. I glare at him- or try to, anyways. I've never really been good at showing my emotions. I've been told that when I glare at people, I just look like I'm staring off into space.

"Yes," I grunt. I've barely gotten the syllable out of my mouth when he burts into laughter, elbowing Burt, who is standing beside him. "I told you so! I told you!" Burt grumbles something incoherently and reaches a hand into his pocket, digging out a small sum of money and handing it to Ray. Ray slaps me on the back, thanking me for once again supplying him with beer money. I try glaring at him again. Don't they get that I don't like it when they bet on me? But I suppose even if I told them, they'd do it anyways. They don't mean harm by it; it's just their way of having a little fun in a world filled with monotony.

At lunch break, I notice a single tulip poking up from a patch of grass. I immediately think of Dessa, and her little greenhouse sitting by the window in her home. I consider picking it for her, but decide against it. Dead flowers are never so nice as live ones. If I get the chance, I'll take Dessa out here to see it herself. If she wants to, that is. She may not care about one little tulip. She's probably seen plenty.

When work is over for the day, I start heading for home, Dessa on my mind one again. When will I see her again? It's only been a day, but I still can't wait to see her again. I'm trying to think up some excuse to go by her house, see if she's home. But I'm not going to. I won't lose the only friend I have right now because she thinks I'm stalker. So I'll just go back to my house and pretend I don't miss her. I'll just go back, and wait patiently for another day or two. Then I'll go by her house. The only problem with that is, I have to get through two days of waiting.

Last Edit: May 10, 2011 16:47:05 GMT -5 by Morgana

Lydie
Merchant

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last seen May 5, 2012 19:39:48 GMT -5

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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Jun 12, 2011 18:21:15 GMT -5

Post by Lydie on Jun 12, 2011 18:21:15 GMT -5

Dessa Rhodes

In the morning when Dessa wakes up everything is quiet. Well except for that annoying drip, drip, drip the kitchen faucet's been making since the night before. She wasn't going to have to figure out how to fix that. But otherwise there isn't a single sound, not the sound of the bed creaking in the other room, or the bathroom faucet running as her father shaves. It's just empty air, the only living thing Dessa herself. If this had been yesterday or the day before she would have felt loneliness enveloping her, constricting around her making it hard to breathe. But it wasn't yesterday or the day before, it was today, the day after her life had changed.

Dessa smiled at the remembrance of yesterday, of meeting Zigger, of making her first friend, and finding a hope she had never knew existed. She even found herself holding her breath, wanting the first sound of life in this house to be a continuation of yesterday's good fortune. She sat up and swung her legs around to the side of her bed, the mattress springs giving a sound creak. Dessa found herself smiling again and she took the brush from her nightstand and started going through her hair with an enthusiasm she had never felt before in the morning. After all the knots were out she got up and went to her dresser, her stocking feet making soft light thuds on the floor. It seems to Dessa that every sound in the house was amplified now that she was alone, now that she was the only person living in this small house.

She dressed in a dark blue long sleeved shirt that she had had for years and a pair of black pants. For the first time Dessa realized that just about every piece of clothing she had was dome form of dark. Nothing bright. I'll have to fix that, Dessa thought, next time I buy new clothes I'll have to get something more vibrant, like a flower. Then she put her shoes on and headed into the kitchen to make herself some breakfast.

After breakfast she went about her usual chores, checking the soil in the greenhouse to see if she needed to water her flowers, doing the dishes, the laundry, and the cleaning. As she did these things she talked to her flowers, telling them how beautiful they were, and how she couldn't wait to see Zigger again.

She wondered what he was doing right now, if he was working in the mines, if he was having a good day. Then a thought came to her, what if there was another collapse? What if he got stuck in a cave in, or injured? And worse, what if he died and she didn't know about it, she just sat here in her home, wondering when she would see him again. But she wouldn't because he'd be dead and she'd never know. No one would come knocking on her door, telling her that her only friend had died. Panic began to rise as Dessa thought about this more and more. Stop it, she told herself, you're being crazy. But still she worried.

Dessa tried to wipe the worries from her mind, she ate her lunch, washed the dishes. Her hands were hurting by now, had been hurting only she hadn't realized it right away like she usually did. She wondered if it was because of last night, because now she wasn't so afraid of the pain she felt, or so ashamed. Thanks to Zigger, she thought and she decided that she was going to go out today, to the cemetery.

At the cemetery she held a bouquet of flowers, some of the black eyed Susan's, a few red ones and some of the yellow flowers like the one Zigger had been fingering last night. She was going to pay her respects to his parents, give them something nice in return for the wonderful son she was now friends with. It wasn't nearly enough of a thanks to them, but it's what Dessa had. Her eyes immediately found the fresh dirt on her parent's graves, saw that the flowers she had put there were still standing upright. Then she looked around the cemetery and it dawned on her that she had no idea where to find Zigger's parents because she had no idea what his last name was.

Great, Dessa thought, now what am I going to do? and it was shortly after she was scolding herself for missing a very important detail Dessa smiled. This gave her a reason to see Zigger, a reason to make sure he was okay.

She went over to her parent's graves and sat in front of them. She hadn't realized what she was going to do, until she was already doing it, "Hi Mom, hi Dad. It's me, Dessa. Um, I know we weren't really close, that we never really talked about how things really were, but well I just wanted to tell you what you've been missing." She started then cleared her throat nervously, "It's not much really, you haven't been gone very long. But I have a friend now, can you believe it? His name is Zigger, you used to work with him at the mines. He's really nice, he helped me out a lot yesterday, made me feel like I was important, that I mattered. I'm so much happier now, it's crazy, but I'm so glad I met him. I wish I could have met him sooner." Dessa paused for a moment, catching her breath. This was probably the most she had ever said to her parents, "I guess I just wanted to thank you guys, not for dying, but for knowing him. Because now I think I might actually be okay on my own. I know it'll be hard but I think things will work out. I'm going to find a job and everything. Something that won't be too hard you know, because of my hands, but something I can do well enough to provide for myself." Dessa paused again, realizing that she was babbling, something she only did with her flowers. Was there really that much to say to them? Of course there was, she had about ten years worth of things to say. But she didn't want to say them all now, she wasn't even sure any of them mattered anymore. "I guess I should be going, I'll be back, tomorrow maybe, to tell you more." Dessa said, not even realizing she would come back until she actually said it. Then she got up and said, "Bye Mom, bye Dad." And left the cemetery.

When she got home she grabbed one of her glasses, filled it with water and put the flowers inside. She found an old bag in her parents room, big enough to put a few cans of food inside. She got a can of corn hoping Zigger liked corn, she wished she knew what kinds of foods he liked, it would make this much easier. She grabbed a box of spaghetti and a jar of sauce. Shouldering the bag she grabbed the cup with flowers in it then left her house, saying good-bye to her flowers as she went.

And then of course after she took a few steps out of her house she realized, stupidly, that she had no idea where she was going because she didn't know where Zigger lived. Not again, she thought. And then she remembered something Zigger had said yesterday, If you ask around town I'm sure there'll be someone that can give you directions to my house.

That's what I'll have to do then, Dessa thought, so she went into town and asked around, after about the third or fourth person who actually heard her talking she found out where Zigger lived.

When she got to his house she thought it didn't look much different then her own. She knocked on the door with her free hand but no one came to the door. Maybe he isn't done at work yet, she thought, or maybe more accurately hoped. She studied the horizon, how the sun was beginning it's slow descent. This was around the time her parents would be coming home she realized with a breath of relief. So she decided she would wait until he came home.

For a few minutes she stood, but then her hand began to ache after holding the glass of flowers for so long so she decided to sit down next to the door, and set the flowers down on the ground beside her. Her head rested against the wall of the house and she closed her eyes for a moment, calming her fears. Hoping that Zigger would come soon.

With every minute she waited she grew more anxious wondering if he would come, if he was okay. People were coming home from work now, walking down the street. Some glanced at her, eying her curiously. She imagined they probably found it odd, her sitting here with flowers next to her in a glass. But she didn't care, just found it harder and harder to breathe as another person went by and it wasn't Zigger.

Her heart pounded against her chested as the tension inside her grew, as her fears began to take hold of her thoughts. Please be okay Zigger, Dessa thought to herself squeezing her eyes shut, don't be dead. Dessa wondered how much longer she could sit here before she started going crazy.

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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Jun 12, 2011 20:58:06 GMT -5

Post by Morgana on Jun 12, 2011 20:58:06 GMT -5

Zigger Antonym

As it turns out, I don't have to wait that long to see Dessa again. Which is a good thing, because I don't really think I would have been able to wait two more days to see her again. Is that what it's supposed to be like when you have a friend? As soon as you leave, you can't wait to see them again? It's not that way with the guys at work, but I wouldn't exactly call them friends. So is this how it's supposed to feel? Or am I just crazy?

Dessa is sitting against the wall beside my door. I don't think she sees me as I walk up. Probably because she's looking in the wrong direction. I notice she has a vase of flowers sitting next to her, and I wonder vaguely if they're for me. Would that be strange if they were? Do friends give each other flowers? I think back to the tulip I saw at lunch break today. I wanted to give that to her. Is that a normal? And are the crazy flutters in my chest and stomach normal, too? I wish there was some handbook for people like me, that don't have many friends. A handbook that would tell me what's normal and what's not. It would really be helpful.

"Hello, Dessa," I say quietly, trying not to startle her. I'm suddenly conscious of the fact that I've been working all day. And sweating. I probably smell. But what can I do? Tell her to wait outside while I go in and wash up? No, definitely not. I'll just have to pray she doesn't notice. I hold out a hand to help Dessa to her feet. I notice she has a bag with her. "Do want me to get that?" I ask. Before she has a chance to answer, I take it from her, leaving just the vase of flowers for her to carry. Shifting the bag in my hands, I head for the door, unlocking it before pushing it open and ushering Dessa inside.

"So, um...what brings you here?" I set her bag on the table. Looking around, I realize my house is sort of a mess. Unwashed dishes litter the sink and counters, clothes are tossed over the couch along with books that belonged to my parents, bookmarks stuck in different places in all of them. I'm trying to read them all, but most are really old, and don't hold my interest. I have boxes strewn everywhere, overflowing with my parents possessions. Even if we were poor, they still had a lot of stuff. A blanket is sticking out of one of the boxes. It's made of colorful stripes, crocheted by my mother when I was little. I remember sitting in threadbare black chair in the corner of the room with her, the blanket laid across our laps.

"Close your eyes, Zigger," my mother says. I am five years old. I close my eyes, because I always do what my mother says, except when she tells me to eat my grapes, because fruit is good for me. I don't like grapes. "Are they closed? Good. Now I want you to imagine a mirror. This mirror is a very strange mirror. Whoever looks in it does not see themself, but rather everything that's wrong with them. And after looking in the mirror, they see all that is bad in the world. The good can't get through anymore. Well, one day, this mirror shattered, and the shards flew down to earth..." I keep my eyes closed as my mother tells me the story of he Snow Queen. It's my favorite story, and I never get tired of hearing it. Mom never gets tired of telling it to me, especially in the wintertime, like now.

I shake my head free of the memory. It's been a long time since I've thought about the stories Mom used to tell me. Fairy Tales, she said they were called. They weren't written down in any book, so it was very important to her that I knew them. As I got older, she'd ask me to tell a certain story to her, just to be sure I remembered it. I usually did. It was so important to her that I remember them, so I tried hard to. I'd repeat them in my head as soon as she finished telling them to me.

I look at Dessa, wondering if she notices the mess. Of course she does. Is it possible to not be seen? I resist the urge to start tidying up. Instead, I pull out a chair at the table and motion for Dessa to join me.

Last Edit: Jun 13, 2011 8:11:08 GMT -5 by Morgana

Lydie
Merchant

[M:-515]

112 POSTS
last seen May 5, 2012 19:39:48 GMT -5

I'm sittin' on a gold mine!

//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Jun 12, 2011 23:27:53 GMT -5

Post by Lydie on Jun 12, 2011 23:27:53 GMT -5

Dessa Rhodes

When Dessa heard her name it was like she'd been brought back to life, like time had been frozen since she'd sat there, and now, with just one word it's started up again. She looked up to see Zigger in front of her, all in one piece. Relief washed over her and she closed her eyes, he's okay, he's here. Dessa's never felt so relieved in her whole life. "Do want me to get that?" He asked, talking about Dessa bag. Before she could reply he took it in his hands. Dessa feels tears prick at the corners of her eyes, she hadn't realized how much she had missed him today. And knowing that he was alive made Dessa that much happier to see him.

He opened the front door and went inside, Dessa scrambled to her feet to follow while grabbing the flowers. Zigger said something as he walked in but Dessa didn't catch it, instead she just took the sight of him in, memorized his features, knowing that she might not get the chance to later. When Dessa's vision blurred she realized that the tears are flooding over onto her cheeks. She brushed them away, not wanting anything to get in her way from seeing her friend.

He set her bag down on the table, and pulled out a chair. Dessa noticed vaguely that he gestured for her to sit down but she doesn't. Instead she rushed over to him and threw her arms around his neck and held on tight. She was on her tip toes but she held him close to her glad to know that she wasn't actually dreaming, that it really was him. "I'm so glad to see you Zigger!" She said, squeezing him tighter and hoping she wouldn't have to let go. "I was so afraid you wouldn't come home." And suddenly there was a lump in her throat, Dessa choked on it then started to cry. Sobs racked through her, shaking her to the core and she didn't know how to stop, she just held onto Zigger, unsure of what more she could do to keep herself upright.

"I'm sorry," Dessa cried, trying to stop long enough to say something, "I can't believe I'm crying. I'm just- I didn't know if I w-would see you a-again."

Dessa couldn't believe that she was crying, Zigger had probably had a long day at the mines, he probably didn't need this from her. And then she stiffened, because she realized that once again she was missing something important, a key fact that she didn't know. She had just assumed that he'd want to see her too, but what if he didn't? After all they hadn't said anything about when they would see each other again, if they would. It was selfish of her to be her, to assume that he had been just as anxious to see her.

But maybe he wasn't. Maybe he just wanted to be alone, to have some peace for one moment of the day. A moment that didn't include a girl attacking him and bawling her eyes out the second he got into the door. She didn't know how friendships worked, had never had a single example to go off of. What if he really wasn't anxious to see her? What would she do then? She couldn't just pretend that she wasn't worried about him or that all she could think about all day was seeing him. What would she do if Zigger didn't want to see her every day? Because she wasn't sure if she could do that, only see him on occasion. She had to make sure he was okay, she had to know that he was still alive.

It seemed crazy to her, that she could be so scared of Zigger dying, she hardly knew him and yet she couldn't imagine what she'd do if he was no longer here. She hadn't been so worried when it had been her parents she had been waiting for to come home, and they had been her parents. Was she becoming dependent on Zigger like she had been with her parents? No, no I'm not, she thought to herself, trying to forget she had even thought of such a thing. This wasn't the same thing. She wasn't asking him for anything, wasn't expecting anything of him, just wanting his company. Was that so bad?

Dessa had stopped crying now, too wrapped up in her doubts that she needed all her energy focused on it. She was afraid to see Zigger's reaction, to hear what he would say now. What have I done? She thought. she squeezed her eyes shut tight, unable to do anything, too afraid of what Zigger's reaction might be to her outburst. She wanted to say something but she couldn't, didn't want to ruin things anymore than she already had. The one friend you've ever had Dessa and look what you've done. All she could do now was hope that she was wrong.

Last Edit: Jun 13, 2011 19:27:12 GMT -5 by Lydie

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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Jun 14, 2011 16:01:12 GMT -5

Post by Morgana on Jun 14, 2011 16:01:12 GMT -5

Zigger Antonym

Instead of sitting down, Dessa steps forward and wraps her arms around me. I'm surprised for a moment, but then I put my arms around her, too. "I'm so glad to see you Zigger! I was so afraid you wouldn't come home." I press my face into her hair, breathing her in. Her chest starts to shake as she begins to cry. I wrap my arms a little tighter around her. She must have really missed me. Should I tell her that I missed her, too? "I can't believe I'm crying. I'm just- I didn't know if I w-would see you a-again."

I smooth a hand over Dessa's hair. It makes sense that she'd be worried. Her parents died in the mines after all, so what reason should she have to believe I'll be okay? But is that the only reason she's come today? To see if I'm alright? For some reason, this bothers me. I want to believe she came because she wanted to, and because she missed me, but I don't have anything to tell me that's the truth. There's no way Dessa missed me that much. We've only known each other for one day. I shouldn't miss her, but I did. I wanted her to come. And now she's here.

I want to promise her I'll always come home safe, but that's a stupid thing to promise. The mines are unpredictable. You never know when there will be a cave-in, or when the world will rip away everyone you love. So I don't make any promises, and I don't tell any lies. I only tell the truth. "I'm careful, Dessa. Things happen in the mines, but i do my best to make sure they don't happen to me. People get careless. But I promise you, I'll always do my best to come back to you." They aren't the words I intended to say, and I feel my cheeks growing red. Come back to her? I hope she doesn't think I'm implying anything. She's just my friend, that's it. I don't have any other feelings for her, or-

I pull away from Dessa as she stops crying. I put a hand on each of her shoulders, holding her at arm's length. I study her face, her eyes, her lips. Then I drop my hands and turn around so she can't see my face. Rubbing my eyes with one hand, I walk away from her, busying myself by folding a blanket that's laying on the couch. I tell myself I don't want this. Tell myself I don't need it. Don't need her. I let myself take a look back at her, and the flutters in my chest only confirm what I already knew. I'm falling for Dessa.

I try to convince myself that we're just friends. That the only way I feel like this is because she's the first friend I've had in a long time. It's just because she's nice, and brought me flowers, and missed me enough to come visit me. Because she sat against my house and waited until I got home instead of turning around and giving up. There's no way I really have feelings for her. Not this fast. "Why did you come over?" I ask, repeating my question from earlier. My words come out more harsh than I intend, and I immediately want to take them back. I don't want to hurt Dessa. The world's hurt her enough.

Lydie
Merchant

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last seen May 5, 2012 19:39:48 GMT -5

I'm sittin' on a gold mine!

//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Jun 14, 2011 17:51:46 GMT -5

Post by Lydie on Jun 14, 2011 17:51:46 GMT -5

Dessa Rhodes

The words Zigger spoke weren't a lie, they weren't perfect in the very definition of perfect, not what a person would want to hear. But for Dessa they were close enough to perfect, good enough for her in that moment. Because she knew that they were the truth, that they were the best he could give her. I'm careful, Dessa. Things happen in the mines, but i do my best to make sure they don't happen to me. People get careless. But I promise you, I'll always do my best to come back to you, he had said. And for some reason his last few words had sent something through her. Something she couldn't quite define. But she was able to take a breath, he's not mad that I'm here. And she felt a flutter fly through her, some kind of happiness that was new to her.

She was happy to know that he would try to come back to her, glad to know that he wanted to. She couldn't ask for anything more than that. That's all she had wanted, to know that he would be okay, to know that she could see him. She hoped that this meant he wanted to see her too, that he had missed her while he was at the mines.

The mines, the thought brought Dessa's happiness down a notch. She could see him, but for how long? When would be the last time? How long did she have till he was killed? A day? Years? She didn't want to think about it and yet here she was, thinking about it. But how could she not? It was like a great thing that loomed before her, blocked the sun, choked her breath. How could she live with this great unkown standing before her, following her every step she took, becoming stronger with every moment that ticked away.

She looked at Zigger, his eyes, his face, dirty from his work in the mines. She almost felt herself try to beg, beg him to find another job. Why did he have to work at the mines? She kept thinking. But it wasn't her place to ask, they hardly knew each other after all.

Even with Zigger's promise Dessa was scared, worried that tomorrow she might not see him, that this might be the last time whether she wanted it to be or not. She didn't want to lose him, not the one person who had made her want to live, to give this world another chance, for better or worse. For better or worse.

What was she thinking? She was going to let this one small detail, time. Get in the way of enjoying the time she did have with Zigger? No, she couldn't, because if she did it would be like admitting defeat. She wasn't going to cower in fear just because a new obstacle had obstructed her path. She wasn't going to waste another moment of her life wallowing in something she couldn't control. That's what she had decided last night and she wasn't going to give up so fast. For better or worse, she thought, I'm going to be Zigger's friend.

Dessa realized then that she wasn't hugging Zigger anymore, his hands were on her shoulders, holding her at arm's length, just looking at her. Dessa felt her cheeks grow red at his gaze, self concious. Her stomach somersaulted and her heart pounded against her chest. Then suddenly he let go and turned away from her. What's wrong? She wanted to ask, but she kind seem to find her voice. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and Dessa noticed how tired he looked. He folded a blanket on the couch then looked back at her, I wonder what's going through his head right now?

Then Dessa looked around the room and realized for the first time how messy Zigger's house was. Boxes on the floor, one with a blanket poking out, books everywhere, and dishes piled up in the sink. Wow, is all Dessa could think.

"Why did you come over?" Zigger's voice snapped Dessa back to what was before her. He sounded upset, almost angry. It confused Dessa but she was feeling better now, she wasn't worried about whether or not he wanted her here anymore.

She found herself trying not to smile as she replied, looking around the room again, "Well I was going to make you dinner again because I've missed you all day and thought after a long day you might want something warm to eat, but now I'm thinking I should clean your house, because otherwise we won't have anything to eat on." She said, gesturing to all the dirty dishes. Then she set her flowers, which had miraculously survived the hug, down in the center of the table. She looked up and smiled at Zigger, "What do you think? You hungry, need your house cleaned, or maybe just your dishes?"

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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Aug 28, 2011 19:02:50 GMT -5

Post by Morgana on Aug 28, 2011 19:02:50 GMT -5

Zigger Antonym

My face grows red as Dessa looks around the room, obviously noticing the mess. I wish I was better at keeping the house clean. Even when my parents were alive, the house wasn't much better. We had things everywhere. Back then it was just cluttered, not messy. But I've neglected to clean much of the house. I'm usually too tired after working in the mines to clean much, and when I have a day off I spend it getting food or trying to work through one of my parent's books. I should really make more of an effort to keep the house clean. Mom would have disappointed in me.

"Well I was going to make you dinner again because I've missed you all day and thought after a long day you might want something warm to eat, but now I'm thinking I should clean your house, because otherwise we won't have anything to eat on. What do you think? You hungry, need your house cleaned, or maybe just your dishes?" I have to say I'm a little insulted. I know there's a lot of dirty dishes in the sink, but there's still clean plates and silverware! I think. It's really nice of Dessa to offer cooking m dinner, but I feel bad about it. Just the same way I'd feel bad if she cleaned my house. I know her hands hurt her, and I don't want it to be because of me. I want her to just sit and rest and not have to do anything that will hurt her. Oh, geez. I'm really falling hard, aren't I?

There's something so sweet and innocent about her, but determined at the same time. Something in her cries out to be protected, and I want to promise her that nothing bad will ever happen to her. She's sunshine and clean air, she's the first sign of spring. I want her to be part of my life, and I want to be part of hers. But all of this is too fast. Does my heart know some secret about love that I don't? Is it making me fall for her so fast because it knows how short life is? Even if I don't die in the mines, there's still the looming threat of the Hunger Games, not just for me but for Dessa as well. I don't want to have feelings for anyone right now. It's too hard, and there's too much of a risk. Either one of us could die at any time. And Dessa might not even feel that way towards me. I'm still trying to convince my heart I don't feel that way towards her. But she way my heart crashed against my ribs when I saw her tells me differently.

I wish I could just turn off my heart and my head. I'm just going to keep going around in circles. I'll never come to a conclusion I'm completely happy with. So I'll just shut off my heart and ignore my feelings. I won't say anything to Dessa about how I feel, and I won't hint at it at all. But if I get some indication that she feels the same about me, I'll open my heart up again. I'll try love, and see how it goes. If she feels the same, I'll take that risk. And who knows? Maybe in time I'll stop feeling like this when I'm around Dessa, and then my problem will be solved. I'm just fifteen. I don't have to decide if a little fluttering of my heart means love. I can wait to fall in love. I still have plenty of time for that. Just because I grew up a little too fast doesn't mean I have to decide who to love just as quickly. For now, Dessa is just a friend, From here on out, I will ignore all my feelings for her.

"You don't have to clean my house for me, Dessa," I say. Somehow, I don't think this is what Dessa wanted to hear. She's right, though. At the very least, the dishes should be washed before anyone attempts to cook. I glance at the sink, filled with crusty dishes. It's going to take muscle to get some of that stuff off. Dessa's hands would probably hurt after all that scrubbing. I could have her dry the dishes, but she doesn't know where anything goes. I rub at my eyebrow, trying to figure out this dilemma. "Okay, how about this: I'll wash the dishes and you can dry them. I'll tell you where they belong so you can put them away, too. And then you're going to sit down and relax while I make dinner."

I hope Dessa will agree to the bargain. I know I've been working all day, but I usually make my own dinner when I finish work, and cooking for one more person won't be any trouble. I don't want her to over-work herself. Maybe I'm being too protective, especially having just met her yesterday. Maybe her hands wouldn't even hurt that bad from just washing dishes and cooking. But I can't help it. This is Dessa we're talking about, after all. Besides, this is my house. It only makes sense that I do all the dirty work tonight.

Lydie
Merchant

[M:-515]

112 POSTS
last seen May 5, 2012 19:39:48 GMT -5

I'm sittin' on a gold mine!

//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Sept 17, 2011 20:58:00 GMT -5

Post by Lydie on Sept 17, 2011 20:58:00 GMT -5

Dessa Rhodes

Dessa let Zigger's words sink in, You don't have to clean my house for me, Dessa... I'll wash the dishes and you can dry them. I'll tell you where they belong so you can put them away, too. And then you're going to sit down and relax while I make dinner. He didn't want her to clean his house, he didn't want her to wash the dishes, he didn't want her to cook him dinner. What was left for her to do for him? He hadn't had a problem with her cooking yesterday. Maybe he didn't really like her cooking. Her stomach twisted. He didn't want her help, he didn't want any of the few things she could offer him. Without cleaning and cooking and her flowers she didn't have anything else to do. She didn't understand why he wouldn't want her to.

And then it dawned on her, her hands. Dessa raised her hands to look at them. They were small, her fingers weren't perfectly straight compared to Zigger's. She hadn't noticed that before, she had thought that her hands looked like anyone elses despite the fact that they hurt. But looking at Zigger's hands she wasn't so sure anymore. His were larger than Dessa's, his fingers long and straight though dirty from work in the mines. Dessa looked at hers, the joints stuck out causing her fingers to extend differently and make her fingers look wider than they should be.

They certainly weren't hands capable of hardwork. Especially the kind Zigger did everyday. She had always known that, had even accepted it. But knowing that Zigger was going to hold her disability against her really hurt.

She could work, sure it hurt after a while and yes sometimes she could hardly use her hands because of it, but she wanted to work, she wanted to contribute. The last thing she wanted was to be a burden. And yet Zigger wouldn't let her be anything else.

And that made her mad, really mad. Wasn't he the one who had told her to at least try living, that her life was worth something? What was it worth if he didn't let her do anything?

Dessa looked up from her hands and right at Zigger, "It's my hands right? You won't let me do it because of my hands. Because they're not like yours, because they can't do what yours can? I'm not just going to sit around and do nothing when I know I can do something Zigger. I might not be able to work in the mines or do anything like that but I can do this, I can cook, and I can clean. Sure it usually hurts after a while but it's worth it." Dessa said, taking a moment to catch her breath. Why did it seem as though she was always upset with Zigger, that she was always trying to prove something to him? She didn't want to raise her voice, she had never done it before. She just wanted him to understand. "It's worth it because I'm doing it for someone else, because what I do benefits someone." Dessa looked at Zigger for a moment, wondering if he understood. "I want to do this for you Zigger. You deserve to be taken care of. Is it so bad if I want to be the person to take care of you?"

Dessa really wanted to know if Zigger understood, if he really did think she was too cripple to do anything. And if he did, well she was just going to have to prove him wrong. She crossed her arms over her chest and added. "So no it's not okay. I am going to do your dishes and make your dinner or I'm leaving. If you don't like spaghetti I'll make you something else, I'll make whatever you want as long as you have what I need to make it but I am not leaving this house until I make you dinner."

Last Edit: Nov 19, 2011 13:00:28 GMT -5 by Lydie

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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Oct 12, 2011 14:38:44 GMT -5

Post by Morgana on Oct 12, 2011 14:38:44 GMT -5

Zigger Antonym

Dessa has a way of making me angry and wanting to hug her at the same time. Angry because she thinks the reason is her hands. And it is, but it's it's not because I don't think she can do it. It's because I don't want her to get hurt. And I want to hug her because she's so incredibly cute when she crosses her arms and says stubborn things.

I can't help the laugh that bubbles up and comes spilling out. It feels so good to laugh that when I start, I have a little trouble stopping. I bite my lip to hold it in, hoping Dessa isn't getting offended by this. She seems to take things the wrong way sometimes. I cover my face with a hand, trying to force the laughs to stop. Dessa brings out emotions in me that I haven't felt in a long time. I'm grateful to her for that.

When can finally keep my face straight, I say, "Yeah, Dessa, it is your hands." I lean against the counter and look down at the floor. I want to say this right. I don't want to mess this up so she misunderstands again. "I don't want your hands to hurt if they don't have to. You say you want to take care of me, but what about you? Who's going to take care of you, Dessa?" I want to be the one to take care of her. I want her to be in my life for a long time. She's admitted she wants to take care of me, so why can't I say the same words back to her? Some part of me wants to believe that she feels the way I feel, but I know that's not true. I'm just a friend to her, and she just wants to take care of me because I am. There's no other reason.

I cross my arms over my chest, mimicking Dessa's pose. "If you want to do it that bad, you can make dinner. But I'm not letting you anywhere near those dishes. That's my mess, I'll clean it up."

Lydie
Merchant

[M:-515]

112 POSTS
last seen May 5, 2012 19:39:48 GMT -5

I'm sittin' on a gold mine!

//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Nov 18, 2011 20:54:18 GMT -5

Post by Lydie on Nov 18, 2011 20:54:18 GMT -5

Dessa Rhodes

When the sound of Zigger's laughter filled the room heat rose up to Dessa face, not only because she was embarrassed but also because she was mad. How could he laugh when they were talking about someting so serious? Did he think this was all a joke? Dessa pressed her lips together, glaring out Zigger and hoping that this would quiet him. It didn't. If anything she thought maybe he was laughing harder.

Zigger put a hand to his face, trying to stifle the laughter, when the skin at the corners of his eyes crinkled as he tried to contain himself Dessa felt something shift inside of her. And suddenly she was thinking that she really liked to hear him laugh, and figured that Zigger probably didn't laugh very much. Dessa couldn't remember the last time she had laughed. She stopped being mad at him and felt a smile spread across her face. The happiness she saw in his face, the sound of his voice ashe laughed, it made her heart flutter, it made her insides warm.

Dessa felt the urge to laugh with him, she wanted to laugh with him. She wanted to remember what it felt like. But then Zigger stopped laughing and his face went back to the way it always was. "Yeah, Dessa, it is your hands."He said and Dessa felt a sharp twinge in her heart. Dessa hadn't thought he would really say it, she hadn't thought he would admit it. Hearing him say that it was her hands, well, it broke her heart. There was wetness at the corner ofher eyes but she wouldn't let them spill, she didn't want Zigger to know how much he'd hurt her. She thought that this was all he was going to say but then his mouth opened again, "I don't want your hands to hurt if they don't have to. You say you want to take care of me, but what about you? Who's going to take care of you, Dessa?"

Dessa was lost, confused, take care of her? He didn't want herhands to hurt? What was he trying to say? Dessa was feeling too many different emotions in too short a time span she didn't what she should be feeling anymore. She took a few deep breaths, trying to figure this all out. She played his words back in her head sentence by sentence, I don't want your hands to hurt if they don't have to. He cared about what happened to her. You say you want to take care of me, but what about you? What about me?Who's going to take care of you, Dessa? Of course she was going to take care of herself, her parents weren't here anymore, she had no one else she could rely on.

She didn't need to be taken care of, she needed to know how to take care f herself. Wasn't that what he had wanted her to do from the start? Now he was telling her that she needed someone to take care of her? She didn't understand.

She was about to ask him when he said, with his arms across his chest, "If you want to do it that bad, you can make dinner. But I'm not letting you anywhere near those dishes. That's my mess, I'll clean it up." She should be happy, he was letting her cook, just like she wanted. But his earlier question was still nagging at her.

Dessa looked at the table then pulled out one of the chairs. "I need a minute." She said. She needed some time to figure this out. She knew that figuring this out could wait till later but for ome reason she just had to know, now. But she didn't know if she'd be able to figure it out by herself, she wasn't good at this friendship thing, at this communication thing, she didn't know what to expect.

She pressed her fingers to her temples, rubbing them, trying to concentrate. She felt herbrow scrunch up as she went through what Zigger had told her when they'd met yesterday, she went through what he'd said just a minute ago. He wanted her to try living on her own, taking care of herself, he wanted her to be taken care of. It didn't make any sense! He was telling her two completely different things! One thing had to be true, she couldn't do both. But how was she supposed to figure out which was the one he wanted her to do? Dessa felt tension build at the base of her neck as she tensed up, trying to figure this out.

She felt so stupid, how could she not understand? Was communication supposed to be this confusing and complicated? She felt tears of frustration burn her eyes, she looked up at Zigger, stared at him for a long time hoping maybe the answer would come to her.

It didn't, instead she got distracted, losing herself in his eyes. She felt her face heat up and her heart flutter. What was this? Why did she feel like this when she looked at Zigger? It had been happening a lot. Was she sick or something? "I give up," She said, "You're really confusing me." She slapped her hands onto the table making a loud thwack!, it made her jump, she hadn't tried to do that. "Yesterday you told me that I should try surviving on my own, but now you're asking me who's going to take care of me? I don't get it. Do I need someone to take care of me? Is it impossible for me to take care of myself?" I asked in a big rush. "I thought I'd been doing fine today by myself. It wasn't even that different from any other day you know? Except Mom and Dad didn't eat breakfast with me and they never came home, and I kept thinking about you and how I couldn't wait to see you again, and I went to the cemetery because I wanted to give your parents flowers only I realized that I didn't know your last name so I couldn't find them. " She took in a deep breath, trying to catch her breath. Why was she babbling? "But am I wrong Zigger? Are things going to be different tomorrow or the next day? Is today just special?" She took another deep breath, closed he mouth and looked up at Zigger. "Do you think I look sick to you? Like I'm catching a bug or something? Because my heart keeps fluttering and I keep blushing but I have no idea why! Do you think I have a fever? Do you think there's something seriously wrong with me?" Dessa put the back of her hand up to her forehead, it was warm but she couldn't tell if it was a sick warm or not. She knew she was changing the subject from one thing to the next but she couldn't help it, everything was flying round her head too fast, she couldn't keep up with everything.

Dessa hadn't intended to vomit out so many words, so many questions. Zigger's head was probably swirling right now. Dessa must be sick right now, she never acted like this, this was not normal Dessa behavior. Then again she hadn't been acting like normal Dessa since she'd met Zigger but she'd thought that was because of Zigger. Maybe she'd gotten sick at the cemetery, it had been a little chilly.

Dessa hadn't intended to bombard Zigger with questions but now that they were out she really wanted to hear Zigger's answers. She looked up at him, waiting expectantly for whatever he would tell her.

Last Edit: Nov 19, 2011 13:01:00 GMT -5 by Lydie

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Morgana
District Mayor

771 POSTS
last seen May 25, 2015 9:32:54 GMT -5

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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Nov 19, 2011 11:20:27 GMT -5

Post by Morgana on Nov 19, 2011 11:20:27 GMT -5

Zigger Antonym

Of course, it's stupid of me to think all this is settled. With Dessa, nothing is that simple. She takes a seat at the table, head in her hands. Did I say the wrong thing again? Did she just not understand? I remind myself to be patient. You can't always expect a person to know just what to say. We all make mistakes sometimes, we all say the wrong thing. I just hope my words weren't wrong this time. I don't want to hurt Dessa, don't want to scare her off. She's the best thing I've had in a while.

She looks up, stares into my eyes. I can't look away. I almost don't want to. Her eyes pull me in, but I can't read the emotion there. I want so badly to just unravel her, to know everything I can about her.

Finally, Dessa speaks. Her hands slam down on the table, startling us both. Her words confuse me. She tells me she wants to take care of me, and then she can't understand why I want to do the same. It isn't that hard to understand, is it? She tells me she wanted to put flowers on my parents grave. My eyes go wide, but just for a moment. Flowers? But...why? She didn't even know them, so why would she bring them flowers? Because she knows me, I think. I almost miss her next words, asking me if I think she's getting sick.

"Because my heart keeps fluttering and I keep blushing but I have no idea why! Do you think I have a fever? Do you think there's something seriously wrong with me?" she asks. I want to believe I know what this means. That she feels the same way, because she's got all the same symptoms as I do. But I know in my heart that's probably not the case. Just for an excuse to touch her, I step forward, lay the back of my hand against her forehead. It doesn't feel like she's got a fever, but that doesn't mean she isn't sick. I've gotten sick without having a fever before. Not since Mom died, though. I haven't gotten sick once.

"Antonym," I tell her. "My last name is Antonym. Dessa, I don't think you have a fever." I debate telling her now. It would be easy. I could say I have feelings for her, and that my heart flutters madly when she's near, too. I want to tell her that I think she might feel the same. But I don't. I can't. It's just not something I can do. "I don't know. I don't know if it's ever different or if it gets easier. Sometimes I think it does, but other times I miss them so much I don't know how I can keep on living." I shake my head, take a deep breath. "If I need someone to take care of me, then so do you." I almost lose my nerve, but I know this has to be said. "I want to be the one that takes care of you, Dessa. Will you let me?"

My heart thumps hard in my chest. Do I even want to know the answer?

Lydie
Merchant

[M:-515]

112 POSTS
last seen May 5, 2012 19:39:48 GMT -5

I'm sittin' on a gold mine!

//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Nov 19, 2011 12:59:27 GMT -5

Post by Lydie on Nov 19, 2011 12:59:27 GMT -5

Dessa Rhodes

Zigger's words aren't the ones Dessa was expecting, but then again she didn't know what to expect when it came to relationships. She had only ever had her parents and they had never exactly spoken about their feelings or anything else for that matter.

Zigger put the back of his hand on Dessa's forehead and she felt her face grow warmer, her heartbeat quicken at the touch of his rough but warm hand.

"Antonym," He said, and at first she was confused. "My last name is Antonym. Dessa, I don't think you have a fever." He's telling me his last name, she thought, I can go back to the cemetery and give his parents flowers. "I don't know. I don't know if it's ever different or if it gets easier. Sometimes I think it does, but other times I miss them so much I don't know how I can keep on living." Dessa brow scrunched up because she didn't quite get what he had said.

Oh, he's talking about his parents. He's telling me that it's hard to be on your own, that he misses his parents. "If I need someone to take care of me, then so do you." He said and again she felt her heart beat faster. Dessa finally understood what Zigger had been trying to say. I have to learn to be on my own but I should still have someone to take care of me. He's saying that I deserve the same thing I want to give him. A break, someone to take care of me after a long day. "I want to be the one that takes care of you, Dessa. Will you let me?" He wants to take care of me.

Dessa heart thuds against her chest, her cheeks grow hot, he wants to take care of me. So that's why he won't let me do the dishes. Dessa finally gets it now. She felt so free, she had figured it out. A smile broke out across her face and she looked up at Zigger, her stomach fluttering and her heart beating faster than it had ever beat before. She still didn't understand why that was happening, but at least Zigger didn't think she was sick. That was good enough for now. Maybe this was just how you felt when you were really alive, when you took part in the world. Dessa had never felt more alive than this.

"Yes," She said to Zigger, she was surprised at how hard it was to get the word out due to all the fluttering and heart thumping, she was even feeling a little light headed because of it. "There isn't anyone else I'd rather have take care of me than you. Thank you, I realize now that you've already been taking care of me, from the moment I met you. It makes me happy to know that I have someone like you in my life." She said and then she got up and went over to the sink. "We should start washing the dishes if we want to eat tonight." She said, still smiling. She couldn't quite find a way to stop smiling, she was just too happy. "You'll wash and I'll dry, right?"

Last Edit: Nov 19, 2011 13:01:31 GMT -5 by Lydie

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Morgana
District Mayor

771 POSTS
last seen May 25, 2015 9:32:54 GMT -5

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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie} Nov 19, 2011 16:36:36 GMT -5

Post by Morgana on Nov 19, 2011 16:36:36 GMT -5

Zigger Antonym

Dessa's words light a fire in me, bring a smile to my lips. She's such a beautiful person. When she smiles, she looks so sweet and beautiful. I can't believe I've fallen for her this quickly.

She wants me to take care of her. I want to take care of her, too. We can take care of each other, and I know we will. It might not be easy, but I know we can do it. I need her close by me. I can't just live my life without her once I've gotten a taste. That's an impossible thing with Dessa. Who would ever leave someone like her? Who would ever want to? I hope she knows her parents loved her. It's evident to me now than ever.

At this moment, Dessa is all I need. Maybe in the past I've been lonely. Maybe I didn't think I needed anyone. In the future, I'll probably find other things I need, or that both of us need. But for now, Dessa is enough. Being here in this simple existence and barely getting by is bearable so long as she is by my side.

I am changing. Hopefully, it's for the better. "Right," I tell her. And it is. Everything is right.

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//We Are Not\\ (Frightened) Anymore {Lydie}

Post by Morgana on May 10, 2011 16:46:17 GMT -5

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Post by Morgana on Nov 19, 2011 11:20:27 GMT -5

Post by Lydie on Nov 19, 2011 12:59:27 GMT -5

Post by Morgana on Nov 19, 2011 16:36:36 GMT -5