]where were you all this time[ {pika!}

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Picking up in speed and strength, the wind blasted by once more. I popped the collar of my jacket up to keep my neck as protected as possible from the freezing air. There once was this man who...well he died from the cold. The long story drifted from my mind as quickly as it entered it, the pills clouding everything that entered into my brain. It was like a hazy fog had appeared and was allowing nothing to be seen. Normally, everything was so clear and accessible and I'd often have no issues with digging into those memories and spewing out as much information as I could. But not with the fog. No, not when half of me was in another world that I really had no access to. A world that was so distant from everything else around me.

Was this even her house? Yeah, it was. It looked familiar at least. But once again as soon as I reached into my mind to find all the memories of her home, nothing was there. It wasn't that nothing existed in my mind any more because there certainly were things that I held on to. Holding on and grabbing on to something were two entirely different things though. Especially when the medication had its say in the situation. What was I thinking about again? I couldn't remember. It was gone from me just as fast as the wind passed by, chilling me to the bone despite having to go through the cotton of my jacket first. That's how the medication worked its magic. It would make me a zombie. They were all right, those bullies. It was hard to hold on to anything because of how dull I became. And I hated everything it did with a passion.

But I had to fake a smile, a rather dopey one, and wait patiently for my best friend. What would we do today? I guess that wasn't the best question to ask at this point. What could we do with me being in the state I was in? Nothing really. But I owed it to her to have a good time or something. She'd never find out that I knew she wasn't exactly the happiest person around. I'd never tell her because well, then she'd probably only feel worse. I wouldn't want her knowing when I was half out of it and I don't think she'd want me to know if she was depressed at any point in time. My thoughts quickly became clouded again and everything was then lost. Lost in a sea of nothingness that I'd never be able to reach again until the drugs wore off and I was myself again. Yeah, something like that.

The door opened up and I kept up my fake smile. It wasn't entirely fake though. Whenever I saw Audri, I had a reason to smile. Even if it was tough to move the corners of my cheeks up and to show all my teeth, I still did it for her. "Hey gorgeous. Staying warm?" My voice was loud enough for her to hear but it seemed to shake as I did, another blast of cold air rushing by. And then she spoke, her voice barely being heard over the wind. It sounded distant. But maybe that was just me. It probably was. After all, I was barely aware of anything else around me. Audri was the only thing that I saw clearly and the only thing I actually cared to look at. "I'm coming, I'm coming." Making my way up the stairs, I stepped inside and offered my hands forward for her to enter into a hug. It was like a tradition.

I tried to keep my voice low as I spoke so as to not wake anybody up. "What are we going to do today, love?" If I had a say in it at all, I wouldn't know what to say. After all, it would be nearly impossible to find anything roaming around in my brain for at least the next hour once the pill's effect was gone. That's why I hated the doctors and the people who forced me to take these things. They changed me. It made me do things I didn't want to do. But it kept me calm and under control, right? That's what people wanted after all. So, I'd give it to them. My eyes moved around the room slowly, the set up seeming so familiar but I couldn't place it. Of course I couldn't. There was no memory around to associate it with, even though it surely was there.

The room was dark and quiet as I stepped in, only the sound of a man coughing interrupting the silence. The doctor sat hunched over a folder of files, relying only on the light of a candle nearby. His receding gray hair was messy to say the least, shooting out every which way. "Yes, your results are back Mr. Ryder." Of course they were back. We finished the testing about a month ago. A whole month went by and I wondered what was wrong with me. I had to wait for thirty days to figure out exactly what caused all my problems. "You have what we call ADHD, Callen." And that's what started everything. Those words changed my life so profusely and they would be the few words that I'd regret hearing for the rest of my life.

"If you dress warmly, we can go down to the bakery and I'll buy you something." I smiled, glancing down at the bread she had taken to eat. With a wink, I pulled a few coins from my pocket. "Come on, Audri."

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Dull. Dull like the colour grey or like a rainy day's sky. That's how I felt. Like it was raining constantly and like I was nothing but grey. Have you ever felt like a colour before? It's really weird, for obvious reasons. Colours aren't feelings. They're colours. And yet, I felt so grey. So dark. So dull. Any emotion I showed was a struggle to get out. Every smile took all the energy that I had to place on my face. And this is what the pills did. Every single day, I'd become a monster. A creature. Whatever this was, it would happen each and every day, whether I liked it or not. The pills would kick in after a few seconds of ingesting them and soon enough, I'd be in some catatonic phase, practically. Once they wore off, I'd pop another few and I'd be on my way.

Suicide. Ever heard of that word before? It's the last resort for those who are at rock bottom. Once you've arrived at the lowest of lows and you know there's no way you can climb back up to the top, suicide becomes an option. I considered it once. Only once in my life had I had a thought pop into my head. It began as a subtle and quiet thought, one that I could dismiss easily. And then it became stronger and much more prominent in my head. Once the effect of the drugs wore off, I was fully aware of those thoughts that lingered in my mind. For a moment, I wanted to be dead. I wanted to be the cause. The pills that were on my bedside table became much more obvious. Taking them from the shelf, I stared at them for a while. If I let more than five pills go into my system, there was no way that any doctor could save me. But I didn't follow through. Instead, I took my regular dose and entered back into the dull side of life.

That word has become such a main part of my vocabulary. Dull. Lethargic works too. Anything that describes how out of it I am. I'd name more but it would take too much thinking and too much effort. Effort that I'd need to use to get home eventually. Clint stepped out into the main room and I immediately put on the biggest, and most believable, smile that I could possibly do at this time. It simply looked like a grin though. Who cares? That was something I often thought about. Who cared about what I was going through? Nobody cared that I was trapped between these four walls, chained to the ground and sat on. No, they were glad that I wasn't chatting away and being my normal self. Zombies are supposed to be frightening, not accepted by society. Or preferred. They shouldn't be preferred over a normal person.

"Hey bud." My voice lacks enthusiasm. Luckily, I could blame it on being exhausted. Not sleeping has always helped me with coming up with excuses. The bags under my eyes were something I'd often point to while shrugging my shoulders and explaining how I couldn't get any sleep the night before. What they didn't know was that the night before that, and every night for the past lifetime, I haven't been able to get the right amount of sleep. Nobody ever needed to know that. Nobody even needed to know that I took the pills. That would make things better. Did anybody even know? I don't think so. Even if I knew about somebody who did, it would never come to mind. Not now, not ever. I'd forget about this thought once it left my mind. Gone.

It didn't take long for the two to get ready and for all of us to head out the door. I fixed my hat and scarf once again and then leaned up against Audri has she grabbed onto my arm. Clint ran ahead and I watched him carefully as all his actions seemed to happen in slow motion. Nothing was happening in real time except for my heartbeat. It seemed to be going twice as fast, even. Everything else was going slow and it just looked so weird. How much longer? It was as if a voice muttered that in my head and it took long for me to realize that it was my own. I looked around, hoping that I didn't say it out loud. Which luckily, I didn't. Nobody would know the answer to that. I didn't even know the answer to that. The drugs would wear off eventually. There was no such thing as time when I was in this state.

She pointed towards the chalk marks that covered the green board. It was torn at the edges and only a small bit of green actually remained. Everything else could not be written on. "So, using this equation, you can easily find the answer." What did she say? Something about using the answer to find the equation. Yeah, that's what she said. A yawn escapes my mouth as I placed my head on top of my arms, which were crossed on the desk. Closing my eyes gently, I listened to the shrill cry of her voice and the loud buzzing from the fan near the door. The window beside me was foggy and covered in rain. Wasn't it supposed to be sunny today? It probably was sunny. Everything was rainy for me when on the medication. And nothing else mattered while on it. I found myself drifting off without even having any choice in the matter.

Seven hours. The teacher left me in my desk for seven hours before she sent somebody to get my family. This was the first time I had managed to get sleep in the longest time. Marks had formed all across my face from leaning on my arm and my hair was all over the place from moving around. Somebody had taken a marker and drawn all over my face, including inappropriate cuss words and images. "Mr. Ryder. Class has been over for seven hours." The medication was already gone out of my system. Opening my eyes immediately, I shot up out of my desk and onto my feet. Suddenly, the whole world seemed to tip to the side and all my blood rushed to my head. Shit. It didn't take long before falling back down to the ground. "Callen? Are you alright? You're really pale."

Of course, that was just the beginning to this nightmare. That was when I was diagnosed with anaemia too. Was I walking bag of disorders and disabilities? Pretty much. It frightened me to think that anything worse could be coming up. "Almost there. Clint, I want you to pick out one treat for yourself, okay?" I spoke softly, hoping that that would conceal the lack of energy and enthusiasm. Surely that would excite the young boy. It was the least I could do. My family had never been extremely poor. We were always one of those families that had enough to live but not enough to enjoy life. However, I worked anyways. It wasn't necessary, really. Still, I found myself doing odd jobs in order to get more and more money. The coins in my pocket were from my most recent pay day.

"You can get something too. Whatever you want, along with the loaf of bread." She deserved to have a gift. It wasn't often that I'd be able to buy her something as important as food but I definitely wanted to. I'd buy her food every single day if I could. In fact, it was something that I hoped to do in the future as her husband. That was a big dream though. In order to marry her, she'd have to feel the same way. And those chances were extremely slim. So for now, I'd only buy her a few gifts every once in a while. That way, I could try to make her happy despite everything that was going on. Confessing my feelings would require too much emotion. Emotion that I didn't have access to at this point. She would never know how I truly felt because of these stupid pills. But that's how life was, right?

The bakery came into view as soon as we rounded a corner. It was tough to hold back and to not run towards the warmth in the small building but I managed anyways. It felt that much better once we were inside. Cakes and cookies and muffins lined the walls, along with some bread and other types of pastries. The smells were incredible and even though I had had something to eat this morning, my stomach begged for more food. "Anything you two want. I won't take no for an answer so you better grab something." A grin appeared on my face but it was obvious that I was distant. Even the burly man at the cash noticed it, I think. He began to look at me funny. Maybe it was because the colour had completely left my face. I probably looked grey right now. And dull. Or maybe he was shocked at my generosity. Most people hated when others were generous because it was as if they were flaunting their money. So did he hate me?

It's alright if he did. I'd understand. I hate myself too sometimes.

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The smells didn't help with my current state. Normally I'd enjoy each aroma and I'd breathe it in as if I'd never ever smell again. My mind would think up the source of the smell and I'd often imagine actually eating the fresh pastry. Now, I'd be lucky to get a thought in that wasn't pushed away moments after. It was like a sucker punch to the face whenever I let my mind wander. That's what the pills did, essentially. They sucker punched me back to where I should have been. The doctor said it was readjusting my behaviour. All of this medication was supposed to build walls around my energy and my personality so that I couldn't be free and I couldn't be myself. When those walls would become too weak to hold who I was as a person in, the doctors would examine all my meds and then suggest new ones.

That's why he gave me this new kind. The name lingered in the back of my mind but as I reached out for it, the clouds embraced everything and suddenly, my mind was empty. Perhaps it was because of these new pills. Maybe that's why I was so out of it. Staring at nowhere in particular, wishing for nothing more than to just stop living. Were these side effects? Was it even worth it any more? "Sir?" Despite his voice being deep and commanding, it took a while for me to actually come back to reality. "Uh." My voice was so blank and so empty, lacking the normal charm that usually accompanied it. What the hell? I was pressed up against the wall at this point, my hands clinging to the brick but failing to keep a sure grip due to the clammy surface of my palms. The man at the counter pointed to the bread and the piece of cake that Audri and Clint must have chosen.

As I stepped closer and closer it was as if my mind was miles and miles away from my body and that I had barely any control over anything. Each step was more like a shuffle and it felt like the counter was much further than it actually was. But I finally reached the man and I was able to pull the coins from my pocket and to hand them over. "Thank you." With that, I stepped outside and didn't even bother to look back. They were surely going to follow me and not remain in the bakery for too long. The wind had calmed down slightly and now the air was just frigid instead of biting at our skin. My eyes were locked on Audri and Clint as they shared the cake but my mind was elsewhere. The usual, you know?

The soft blanket was pulled back slowly as Soren pushed himself out of bed. I pretended to be asleep so he didn't feel guilty for waking me up. Who was I kidding though? Nobody cared about how I felt in my family. That was the norm for the Ryder family. The usual, you know? But he must have noticed that my breathing was that of somebody who was fully aware of the rise and fall of his chest. Soren leaned forward slowly and patted my shoulder, lowering his voice enough so that only I heard. "Let's go, brother. I want to show you something." It didn't take long for me to get out of bed and to throw on my boots and a thick jacket that had belonged to Rocky when he was my age. Both Soren and I left the house together and entered into the darkness of night.

We hadn't been walking for long before we arrived at the fence that marked the end of the District. Soren did nothing other than glancing back with a smile on his face. And then he was gone as he dropped to the ground and passed under the fence. He set off into a jog and soon enough, the darkness swallowed him up and I was alone. "Soren?" The youth in my voice could be identified more than ever as I called for my brother. And yet, no answer followed. I was alone. Nobody knew of where I was. It would have been intelligent to head back to my home or to walk back to some place I knew instead of staying out in the cold night. But no. Intelligence wasn't something I enjoyed using, evidently. After struggling on the ground for a moment, I was through the hole that Soren went through and I was chasing after my brother in the dark forest.

"Soren, please. It isn't funny any more." Nothing. I was alone. That's how I lived my life. Alone. It wasn't like I had lots of friends. Most people didn't even know my name. And then there was my family. They only focused on my brothers and my sister. Why pay attention to the baby when everybody else is so talented. All I could do was play that little instrument that sat in the back corner of our home. It was broken and the strings were worn but it served a purpose. Soren had taught me a few notes. He was the only one that had cared to notice me. And now, he left me all alone. "Soren?" A tear dripped down my face, leaving a salty path along my smooth skin. I quickly wiped it away and breathed in through my nose, trying to fight back even more tears.

But he was there. He was standing near an opening in the trees. And behind him was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen in my whole life. Stepping closer and closer, I suddenly found myself crying because of the sight instead of crying because I was left all by myself. "Happy birthday, little brother." His voice was smooth and his mouth was pulled back in a genuine smile. That's right. Today was my twelfth birthday. I was eligible to be reaped for the Hunger Games now. That was a fact that both of us would surely ignore. Soren was very likely to be reaped so the topic was something that I'd rather ignore. Glancing back at the beautiful landscape, I noticed the sun rising above the horizon and basking the two of us in its golden warmth and rays of light. "Just remember that I love you and that I always will."

He was arrested that afternoon and he was then reaped a week later. The last time I saw him was when he died on screen. The last time I spoke with him was on my birthday. The memory was one that I tried so very hard to avoid and yet I obviously hadn't succeeded. At a time when my mind was weak and barely holding onto reality let alone fighting back repressed memories, I often found myself remembering the worst and the best. And then I'd pull myself back to the real world so I wasn't standing around like an idiot. Just in time to see Audriana trip over a mound of snow and to fall to the ground. Off my medication, I would have been beside her in an instant. On it, it took me a little longer to make my way over and to drop down next to her.

I reached out for her hand amongst the snow, searching for the familiar touch of her skin. "Are you alright?" I really didn't need to join her on the ground but to be honest, I don't think I could have stood up on my feet for any longer. The cold feeling of the snow helped dispel the fog for a brief moment and I felt myself coming back for a bit until the clouds returned. It was wearing off and soon enough, the medication would be out of my system. Turning to look up at the sky, I noticed that the snowflakes were falling from the sky. One moment I'd see every detail of every snowflake and then the next, I'd only see blurry clumps of snow. But then one snowflake fell right onto my hand that wasn't on Audri's. One edge was missing and only half of the snowflake remained. And even though it was broken, it was still beautiful.

If only the same applied to me.

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Beep. Beep. Beep. The sound was loud and ringing in my ears, giving me a slight headache. Where was it coming from? Where was this horrid sound's original source? Nothing else was around me except for blackness and eternal abyss. That's all that would ever be around me now that he was gone. He was what held me down to the ground and what kept me secured to this earth. What would happen if you took the one thing that actually loved you away and then set you against the whole god damned world? What then? How could you survive when the only fucking thing that you ever had was being buried six feet under ground? Soren was my anchor. Soren was my reason. Soren was the only one who actually give a shit that his brother was dying from the inside out.

And now he was gone. Just like that. I mean, I knew I'd have to prepare myself for the moment where I'd see his death on the screen in the Square. Soren was tough and he had a chance but there was always that possibility that something could go wrong and it could go wrong early on. And of course it had to happen, right? It had to be only a day or two afterwards. Soren had to die in front of my eyes because I needed to be punished for my actions, right? Well what actions were those? What actions of mine were apparently so bad that I needed to lose something? The Capitol was filled with sick people who didn't understand what it was like to lose somebody that you loved. They could cure all diseases and they could save all lives if they really wanted to. We had to battle it each and every day while they sat around and laughed.

And then they pulled your life away. It would start with your livelihood or your ability to actually feed yourself. So simple and yet so easy for them. Stopping the amount of food that a household could receive was so fucking easy for those assholes to do and yet, it would affect our life drastically. They could play around with us like we were dolls. And what would we ever do in return? We'd entertain them by fighting against each other. The Districts were their play things and even though we could fight back if we tried, nobody had the guts to do it. Why risk everything if it didn't work out? If a rebellion was stopped before it could succeed, all those involved would have their heads on a stake or their family members in the arena. I couldn't afford to lose anybody else. Not after Soren. Not after I watched as those bats ripped at his flesh.

The girl was never even hit. That's what pissed me off the most. Winona Kirby. How could she go without one bat even looking her way? She killed one of them and yet, two of them focused their sights on Soren. It was sickening. It was horrible. And the Capitol had a part in it somehow. There was no way that the bats just felt like picking on him. There was no way any of this could be happening. Beep beep beep beep. Where was it coming from? And why was I still alone. Only darkness accompanied me. Only darkness. Only ever darkness. That was it. That's all there ever would be. "Get them ready, doctor. We have to try it. He'll die no matter what if we don't." The words echoed through my mind, through wherever I actually was. Whatever was going on was happening elsewhere. And I wanted to know what it was.

But I wouldn't ever know. Nope. Just the darkness. Just being alone. Being so cold. Soren was gone. My brother and my best friend. People probably felt like this all the time, right? Everybody who's brother or sister died in the Games would end up going through a phase like this, right? No. It would be a lot less for them. Soren wasn't just my brother. When my parents were too busy focusing on somebody else, he'd pay attention to me. And when others were picking on me for whatever reason, Soren would step in. He was the best brother that anybody could ever ask for. And now he was gone. "He's gone into shock. We have to try to restart his heart. Ma'am, this isn't confirmed to work but have to do it." And then I felt a crashing feeling on my chest. "And, clear."

It worked. Obviously it had succeeded or else I wouldn't be here today. Sometimes I asked the same question that Audri just posed and I'd come up with no real answer. If we were supposed to die, why was I still alive. "We're here to find our purpose." That made no sense at all, but I really couldn't care less. The dull throbbing in my head was starting to get even worse. This was the worst day to go out with Audriana. "We won't know our reason until it's too late. Maybe we'll be able to achieve it before hand though." And maybe we wouldn't. Maybe we'd die like Soren did. Like all the other tributes did. Then we'd have no purpose to our life other than entertainment. You know your life sucks when all you ever are is a source of entertainment.

"Audri, can I ask you something?" The question slipped out of my mouth before I could truly think about it. I didn't know what I was going to ask her. I didn't know what was going on in my mind any more because, really, my mind was kind of like mush. There wasn't anything that I could ask her that I actually wanted to know the answer to. But then, as if on cue, the question completely disappeared from my memory. Nothing remained except for the vague thought of me asking her something. What was it again? I was unsure. I really couldn't even remember what I had just asked. And did I really ask anything at all. "Uh, nevermind."

But what was really going on? It was difficult to really know since focusing was a big deal. You know, I was on this medication to start focusing more but all it ever did was make me even worse off than before. Now, I was a mindless zombie instead of being an overcharged energizer bunny. What was better? They were both at the opposite ends of the spectrum so was there really anything that was better? "What did you get at the store again?" I asked, forgetting what I had purchased with my money. My pocket felt less weighted now and I couldn't remember why. Whatever was happening had to be because of this medication. There was no other explanation. Or maybe I was just getting exhausted. So tired. My eyes struggle to close and I barely manage to keep them open.

A glass of water is placed beside me as my mother leans down to kiss me gently on the forehead. "It's time to get up, love." Her slight accent made her voice sound much more loving and caring. Funny. She decided to find love for me now, after all that had happened. If only it could have happened earlier. "The coffin has returned." She's been crying. It's obvious by the sound of her voice. I don't even have to open my eyes to know that. Today would be the funeral for my brother. Of course she was crying. So, I slowly opened my eyes and looked up at her, ready to start the worst day of my life. "Tha-"

And everything else was gone. My brain couldn't find the rest of the memory. It was shattered like broken glass and now that piece was gone. My mind was gone. Forever. Darkness.