.:Hope:. {is just a distraction} //Cass

Haff was surprised, he hadn’t expected that word to escape his lips, he had wanted to say something, but normally whenever he tried to let a few words escape they had turned out to be nothing, but grunts and very uncomprehendable. He didn’t look at the tall blonde girl. Because no one knew Haff, no one had ever heard his soft voice; she was the first to have ever heard him speak since he was six. His only regret at letting those words come out was that his parents, his family and the horses never heard them. Only she had.

But for the moment the words were nothing in comparison to the smells of the horses, to the crunch of delicate hay under his feet, because as Haff stared out and looked around himself he saw everything that he had missed for these past few days, he could see his the horses, the very animals that were his life, yes they weren’t his but they were here right in front of him. He smiles, because right now that is all he can do, all of this, none of this could be real to him, because Haff didn’t deserve this kind of treatment he had done nothing to get this, and yet it was all there.

The girl moves across the hay and to a brown mare, she moved with such grace, that Haff knew she did this often, this girl Lethe, because that was who she was, this girl was the victor. Lethe knew the horses, the way her hand gently raced over the horses face, and the way they looked at each other said everything to Haff, he could feel the emotions, the trust that had quickly developed between the pair, and only a person who knew horses could do that. The horses understood, they knew when someone was around them and that person was good, and they knew when there was bad.

Lethe was a good person. The horses said so.

That made Haff trust her.

Hope was a mere sensation right now, in Haff’s mind there was an overflowing joy at being here, and he was so very happy. His steps quicken, as he looks up and down at each horse, and as he takes in each stallion, mare and foal, the saddles, bridles, feed, hay and droppings, it was all there, just like home. His walking takes him to an older horse. She was quick old and probably only months away from retiring, but as Haff looked into her eyes, he knew she was special. He knew that this mare didn’t want to retire, there was spirit in her step, and as she whinnied a soft welcome his smile grew. The mare reminded him of Anima, the young foal that was Haff’s, the stubborn little mare that no now could tame or talk to, or control, Anima was all his.

And he found himself continuously comparing this older mare to Anima, because she had spirit, and there was a stubborn defiance in the depths of those brown eyes. Ever so gently he reaches his hand out to touch her muzzle, at first the mare does nothing, but then she steps forward. Haff stares at her, admiring her short dark brown coat. His eyes travelled over her, she might be old, but she was beautiful. His eyes connected with hers and she took a step forward. As did Haff. Then carefully he ran a hand down her muzzle, and slowly around to her neck.

The touch was amazing, and to feel her soft hair on his hand was all Haff needed to break. Slowly a tear rolled down his cheek, as the memories of his home, the summers of taking each horse for a wash, he would groom each one of them, tending to each of their individual needs, then there was the cold winters where he would heal aching bones, saw muscles, and make sure everything was dry and perfect for them, because he cared. He loved them so much, and now they were all gone and he was stuck in a world where words meant so much and a place where strength and brains was everything.

And he felt lost.

Haff had nothing. He wasn’t smart or brave, he wasn’t tough or strong, all he knew was the horses and in this games he wouldn’t have them, he would only have himself and the disease that plagued him. And that was it. Not even the mare could let him forget it, nothing, not even death could cure the sickness that he carried, it would always be with him and it was his death sentence, it was the reason he couldn’t fight. Haff had never believed it was that bad, but as he stared and looked at the foreign place he knew it was. The sickness was killing him, because of it he was him, and he would die. He had no chance, but he had hope, would that be enough to save him? He didn’t believe it, but it was all he had.

He looked at the mare, he didn’t try and hide the tears that fell from his eyes. He wasn’t ashamed of them, it showed he was human, and Haff was a human yes? Or was he a monster? Forever doomed to be a speechless mutt, someone everyone just didn’t care about… The mare nudged Haff gently and he turned his face to her. He looked at her in the eyes, and the horse was right. This old horse was so very true. He had the horses. They cared about him, they were the reason he was still going to fight, because Haff needed them, Anima’s face swam across his vision and he gently grabbed the mare to stop himself from falling. Anima needed him, she had no one else, she had lost her mother, and all the little foal had was Haff.

The horses cared about him. He had something to fight for, so he would fight.

”Do you ride?” Haff turned to look at Lethe as she stood eyeing the same horse. Haff didn’t ride. Haff couldn’t ride, he had never ridden before. He worked with the horses he knew how a horse worked and moved, he could manipulate himself to do so, but he had never sat on one and ridden it. He had never given himself the opportunity to. “I do. We can ride over there!” Haff looks at the spot she had indicated, it was an indoor track. His eyes watch her as she moves around the horses as she saddles it and prepares the young mare. She climbs on and rides.

But Haff didn’t know how to ride; he had never done it before. But Lethe wanted him to. He looks back at the mare. He knew how to saddle a horse, he had done it so many times, he knew the perfect spots, or which horse back home hated a really tight band, and which horses preferred no saddle blanket to blanket. But he had never ridden one. He wanted to. He felt an urge to try it. He wanted to remember it, he wanted to have the chance to do something that he had watched his family do all his life,p would they approve? Would they want him to ride the horse? Or would they scold him and tell him he was stupid, to even think it? He cringes away from the mare. His heart racing, he didn’t want his family to hate him for doing something that was there’s. Haff didn’t ride the horses, it was what they did, not what he did.

But the mare wanted action, she steps closer to him and shoves her head into Haff knocking him back a few steps. He laughs. Hesitantly he grabs a saddle and places it on her back. Just like always, he does it up. He leads the mare out of the stable, and for the first time he notices her name, Toga. He looks up at the Toga. His hand shook. This was where he would normally hand the reins over to his siblings. He had never worked to the horses side, he had never stared so closely at the saddle and it’s foot holds, but he did now.

Haff swings himself up onto Toga’s back. Happiness. It bloomed through him, he had never felt such excitement, and Toga seemed to sense this, and yet she took her first steps cautiously, and carefully, as if she knew how Haff was. The boy laughs with joy, the sound ringing through the stable; he had never felt such joy, and longing to ride a horse before. And yet he found himself sitting with confidence on top of Toga. He had seen this so many times he knew what to do. He had worked with horses so long he knew how they worked. With a gentle touch he sent Toga flying after Lethe. Haff felt himself move with each of her strides, his body moved the way hers did. It was instinct; it was as if Haff was meant to ride.

As he raced after the blonde girl he smiled, and he watched the world around him blur, because Haff was happy. And he had a reason to fight.

He wanted to go home.