Glorious, Victorious Horizons~ [Stare, Snake]

I hate to break it to you,
But you're just a lonely star,
And I know I'll never be good enough for you.

I flinch at his words as if I have been struck, and the blunt honesty of them rings in my head. Every syllable of what he said is true in the most ugly of ways, striking like a knife deep into my chest. Shame is my instictive reaction, and heat rises to my cheeks, hot and red. But then I remember that I'm supposed to be playing Career, and shame and humility are a foreign feeling to Careers. They feel constant pride and arrogance, so I force my chin up in quiet defiance, keeping my eyes on his face even though all they want to do is drop back down and study my hands. After listening to his harsh criticism, my confidence dips down. My eyes flicker toward Glitch and then study my district partner for a moment before turning back to Julian and gazing at him. Obviously, I'm the odd one out here. The weakling, the non-Career, the girl who's wandered beyond her limits and can't turn back now. Here in this room, I'm the helpless little girl among a Capitolite, a Victor, and an obvious Career. With every second, it's becoming harder to stand strong.

"Can you even do anything at all?"

Suddenly, my whole body becomes stiff and tense. My head jerks up slightly, and my eyes widen a miniscule amount. The skin on my face tingles, remembering the tears that streamed down them once. Everything freezes and time falls back, away from the train and the people and all that is real as I drop into my memories.

"Hurry!" he barks, and I quickly pour the rest of the mixture into the clay bowl and stir it as fast as my tiny, trembling hands will allow, eyes wide. I can hear him muttering swears under his breath and cringe, spinning around and rushing toward him as fast as I can. But suddenly a wooden board is not where it's supposed to be, and his white jacket and her sleeping form become a blur as I smack into the ground. The bowl shatters and the thing I spent what feels like hours making spreads out onto the floor, ruined. The doctor growls in frustration and curses more loudly this time. I stumble to my feet, staring at the green spread out all over below me. My mother remains oblivious through it all, so deep in her fevered dreams that she can't even hear me stuttering an apology. "I - I didn't mean - I'm so sorry..."

"Stupid girl!" the doctor says harshly, and I shrink back, wide eyes filling with tears. "Can you even do anything at all?"

No. Not then I couldn't. I couldn't take three steps without tripping, I couldn't hold the bowl of medicine out of harm's way, and I couldn't stand up to the doctor. And then, as time progressed, the list of things I couldn't do evolved and grew. I couldn't keep my mother's fever down in the depths of nighttime. I couldn't guard her from the invisible monsters that neared her bed when she screamed. I couldn't slip water between her lips without spilling it all over her covers. I couldn't keep up with the waves of heat and cold that attacked her body, pulling the sheets up when she was burning and down when she shivered with invisible ice. I couldn't save my mother's life.

But I'm not the same helpless little girl I used to be.

I remember days spent stalking through the woods, mimicking bird calls and hanging on the branches of trees with virtually nothing in my stomach. I gnawed on fabric ripped from my t-shirts to keep the hunger at bay and learned how to purify my water. I got poison ivy and dozens of mosquito bites. I’m not trained to kill, like some in my district, but I’ve learned how to survive. In the end, that’s got to count for something… right?

"You're right, Julian," I say, with a slight note of defeat in my voice. I know any other person would have tried to challenge him, to prove him wrong, but I don't need to prove anything. The facts are enough, so that's what I'll give him. "I didn't have any victor parents. In fact, I didn't have parents at all. I didn't have a boyfriend, either. I had to support myself, but I couldn't deal with it." My head dips down, but not in shame. No, I will never be ashamed of what I did. "I ran away from the district. I loved that freedom so much, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it if the Keepers found out. I go to school often enough and attend all the required gatherings so they don't suspect. But I have survival down. I've spent weeks at a time out there in the forest with absolutely nothing, and I know the absolute basics of first aid. I've killed an animal once or twice, but I mostly rely on the plants. I know poisonous ones from safe ones, and I know how to make medicine from some of them. Starvation isn't a foreign feeling, and neither is dehydration. I've dealt with both at least a million times before. I know how to at least hold a knife, though not exactly how to use it in combat with another human."

I know that what I've presented is not desirable in the way he'd like - he wants me to know how to fight, how to be sneaky, how to be a killer, and all I can do is identify some stupid plants. But it's better than nothing, and we both know it. I've fought for my life before, even if it was never against other humans.

For now, that will just have to be enough.

I might be proud,
But at least I'm proud of something.
You've taken pride in becoming a nothing.