&heaven help me [Topaz/Julian victory tour]

I'll face myself
to cross out what i’ve become
erase myself
and let go of what i’ve done

Glaring coldly, as usual, Julian tried to bite his tongue as his prep team entirely redid his appearance for the grand dinner hosted in the justice building. Nearly every encounter in each District on the tour thus far had been emotionally taxing, but none quite so much as District One where he was forced to face both the Lightwoods and the Morenos. His encounter with Riley would likely haunt him almost as much as the poor boy’s dead sister. Almost…

He held his arms out as Cream fit him into yet another overly be-dazzled blazer atop a silvery, low cut V-neck. As if the sparkly apparel was not enough, they were now spraying more thick chunks of silver glitter into his hair that had been styled into a blonde, wavy mess of a mohawk. He wondered vaguely if the goal tonight was to blind everyone at the dinner. That really wouldn’t be so bad, he supposed. He wouldn’t have to pretend to smile if the crowd could not see him.

Unfortunately, no one was blinded by his over the top ensemble, and the smiling had to continue. The amount of press that waited outside the justice building was ridiculous. He hadn’t experienced anything quite like this on his tour; it was all so Capitol-esque and suffocating. Two peacekeepers opened the car door for him as their valet pulled them up to the long crimson carpet that led into the building. His prep team had arrived in the car just ahead and was already making their way down the carpet and speaking with various camera crews and journalists.

Julian accepted the shorter of the two peacekeeper’s hand and gracefully stood out of the car, letting the clamor and roar of the crowd engulf him. Without a moment’s time wasted, his father shot him a look and he knew it was time to play his part… or else. There wasn’t much choice in the matter, so Julian smiled and waved amiably to the reporters and the fans. By now, he was so used to the heeled shoes his prep team kept forcing him to wear to add height to his petite frame that he was able to maintain his powerful posture as he made his way down the red carpet.

After what seemed several hours in Julian’s mind, he at last made it inside where he was greeted once again by Mayor Morgan. He hadn’t quite made up his mind about her yet, but he certainly did not appreciate the hungry eyes with which her son continued to look at him. He’d already punched someone once today though, and he doubted he could get away with it so easily again. Unless of course he wanted to face his father’s wrath… which he did not.

Gentry directed him to one of her assistants who held a small clipboard with all of the seating arrangements. Julian rolled his eyes as he waited for her to find his spot. Surely she would know where the most important person of the evening was supposed to be sitting. He could tell she was nervous though by her fumbling fingers, and he was about to make a comment when she quickly said “aha!” and led him to his chair.

The woman pulled out his chair for him and scooted him in once he was seated, as if he was a child. He again rolled his eyes at the woman, though it had been like this at every District really… especially since his lengthy disappearance in Ten. Everyone was so smothering to make sure he was always in just the right place at just the right time.

His mind began to wander to District Ten, his only enjoyable time on the tour, when a female voice clearly addressed him from his left. He turned to find himself face to face with Topaz Ross. He was almost startled, having forgotten her existence really. She had been one of the tributes he had rooted for in what seemed an entire lifetime ago. In fact, he could still remember sitting at home in front of the large flat screen with Midas and laughing and cheering as if it all had just been a very fun television show. He had only been thirteen then, and life had been so much simpler... and happier. Well, the happiness was questionable… it was more like blissful ignorance. How could training to become a skilled murderer every day truly be a happy childhood? At least there had been Midas then… Midas! That had been the last time he had thought about Topaz. Her sister had been in Midas’s Games. Of course, he had payed little attention to anyone but his boyfriend in that time, but it was another cosmic connection between these two Victors.

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it escaping,” Julian said with a sneer, his bright icy eyes falling upon Topaz with judgment. Their extra connection didn’t exactly make Julian want to warm up to her. With his memory of her sister, also came the recollection of her distasteful reputation. Despite his own status as a vicious killing machine, his one remaining virtue was in his naïve, prude nature. Then again, perhaps he wouldn’t have been so innocent in that sense if he had spent any time at all aside from training. Midas sure would have wished it otherwise… but that didn’t matter anymore really. Come to think of it, Mace probably would prefer it otherwise as well… perhaps Julian couldn’t really judge her based on that alone after all.

“Of course, if I wouldn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have had the lovely privilege of all of the wonderful families of the people I’ve killed,” Julian said quietly, with a false smile as he cocked his head to the site. He hadn’t escaped anything; he’d fallen through one hellhole straight into another. Perhaps Topaz didn’t share that feeling though. His parents clearly didn’t.

I'll face myself
to cross out what i’ve become
erase myself
and let go of what i’ve done

Perhaps Julian could come to like Topaz after all. At last someone understood him and accepted him for what he was—a monster. In fact she was open about being one as well; at least he wasn’t entirely alone in that. She wasn’t entirely correct though. “Not all of us are…” he said vaguely as he thought of Lethe and more importantly, Mace. Only those of us who did this willingly; we’re the monsters.

The mention of Reyes Moreno shifted his mood however, particularly due to the special circumstances regarding his death, which surely Topaz was well aware of. Julian wasn’t sure if she was simply being conversational or blatantly throwing it in his face. Despite the Capitol accrediting Julian with Reyes’ death, and despite the heavily edited footage of the moment which only displayed Julian beheading the boy from District One, Julian had not killed Reyes Moreno. No, he had stolen Julian’s final kill, the one that Julian thought promised him salvation from himself. Of course, it would never have brought even the remotest assemblage of peace of mind, but Reyes suicide had left Julian with far more guilt than simply killing him could have.

The fact is, Julian’s blood lust had led him to yearn for that final kill. He was a Career among Careers and that’s all he knew. Ryes taking his own life though… another career… He had been so appalled by Julian’s monstrosity that he could not bear to let him get the final notch on his belt—that was the greatest wound of all. The Capitol had replaced his right ear and knee, but he would be permanently scarred by the reflection of himself through Reyes Moreno’s eyes.

He swallowed hard, clenching his jaw as he tried to maintain his composure. After a deep breathe through his nose, he replied quietly. “Well, it certainly wasn’t for a lack of trying…” which was the truth. Hell, even in his dreams, Julian still yearned for that kill, which only further added to the weight of his guilt.

The room was slowly filling up, and the noise level was rising to the point that Julian felt comfortable enough to quietly ask his next question. Other than his parents and the others in District Two, Topaz was the only Career Victor he had met thus far, and somehow asking this to somewhat of a stranger seemed far easier than asking those he’d grown up with. Plus, something about the similarities between the two allowed Julian to subconsciously remove his icy walls.

“Does it get any easier?” he asked, his voice small and powerless for a change. It didn’t happen often, but there were times when the child inside Julian slipped out… the child that never truly had a chance to exist. It was in moments like this that Julian was just a little boy who was lost, frightened and alone. “I mean… you know, living as a monster?”