Broken - reaction to Noreen's death

For three long days I’ve avoided the small television set in our living room like the plaque because I was simply unable to watch the woman I love with every fibre of my being go through hell.

From my parents I know that she’s been holding up well, which gave me the false hope of her possibly coming out as a victor. Silly me. How could I have such stupid hopes.
Then they informed me that Noreen is not doing well anymore and I should get over my inhibitions and watch her fight for her life.

Today I finally convinced myself that I owe it Noreen to confront myself with the games just as much as she does and watch her every move during the games. Unfortunately I see much more. I can see the other tributes lusting for the next kill, uniting and sneaking up on her.

For minutes I sit frozen stiff with not a visible rising of my chest that would give away I’m still alive while my eyes are fixed on the television. As much as I avoided to see her struggle, now I don’t even dare to blink.
I wish I could yell out and tell her about the danger she is in. I wish I could rush into the arena and become her ally just like I was here in district 10 but all I can do is sit and watch how she struggles, how the fear shows on her face, how she’s getting hacked by other tributes. Everybody seems to be attacking her now, even the other tribute from our district. I make a silent promise to kill him if he makes it back alive.
Even under the layer of dirt I can see how pale her face is, how she suddenly looses all power. Compared to the other Nonnie looks so vulnerable.

For a moment I get taken back to the first time we met at the ranch. She was so mouthy and sassy and I was giving her a hard time. At first I didn’t find her so attractive but boy oh boy, did I ever fall fast and hard for that small cheeky brunette. During our walks in the meadow and endless tries to tame Theo I bonded with her like no other. Noreen complemented me like the famous missing puzzle of the piece and took me for who I was, which definetly wasn’t easy.
I skip ahead to the day when we took the trip to the midwife in the big city and she told us we were having twins. Very vividly I remember how scared she was about being a good mother and how I immediately accepted the fact that we were going to have two babies instead of one.

I know it’s too late as I watch her inner organs get destroyed by the vicious biest who calls himself a ‘tribute’. Nobody can survive a blow like this without instant decent medical care. It’s over for her and all I can do is watch her suffer.
She’s begging for the suffering to be over because she knows she will die soon. Blood spills from her lips and her mind is going. She’s now in some place of her own, seeing things that noone else can. I wish I could be there, hold her tight, comfort her through her darkest hour. Instead she’s alone.
Blankly I stare at the screen where my love is struggling to stay alive fully aware that she will never live a life as a mother, good or bad. She’ll never hold them in her arms sitting on the couch next to me. Our children will never look into her loving eyes and know who she is. Neither will I. Tears start filling my eyes because I want her so much to be able to hold her babies. Noreen has to see them grow up, build a home together with me, tame wild horses and become old and grey. She doesn’t deserve to die without proofing that she’s a better mom than her own. Yet the dagger finds it’s way into her back digging deep inside of her until it rips the life right out of her.
In horror I watch my wife squirm, scream, whisper in pain. She talks to Briar. Could it be? Is she referring to our daughter? My names is there but within this horrible scenario I also get confused by her whispering Scutchers name. I’m shocked. Scutchers of all the people? She must love him, too. Momentarily this hurts but it really doesn’t matter right now that I can see her draw her last, painful breaths.
Will there be some sort of secret remedy falling from the sky on a parachute? If only I was rich.
There is no parachute, no gift from sponsors. Nothing. Just a desperate gurgling sound.

She tries to hold on but it’s too late.
I want to look away but I can’t. Tears run down from eyes, but I simply can’t blink.
“Noreen.” I mouth as if she could hear me. “I love you.”

I can feel it so much in my heart and I know she feels the same. The death blow, which wasn’t even intended for her, strikes breaking her forever and with her my heart. It hurts so much I can’t breath nor speak nor look away. I simply have to sit and endure the Capitol tearing us apart forever. They’ve broken her, me, us, our little family.

Just one time for tribute Noreen Lyvers-Lexington the canon fires to declare the end of yet another tribute to remind the citizens of Panem what a revolution would mean as if that mattered now.

I gasp for air. Then I feel nothing.