if your {heart} wears thin :: bridgit

i will stay, nobody will break you, yeah
trust in me, trust in me, don't pull away
trust in me, trust in me
i'm just trying to keep this together
because i could do worse and you could do better

How did it all come to this? This is the question that haunts Riley above all else within the rapidly deteriorating confines of his mind, a ringing mantra that he manages to keep shoved below his radar until a rare moment of peace sends the refrain roaring through his entire being, thrumming along to the beat of a broken heart and singing in eerie harmony with an existence demolished into p(r)etty shards. Despite the fact that he'd promised himself he'd try to be better, for Avon's sake if not for his own, there is always the solid, quiet whisper of a realization that constantly reminds him how much he's lost. Riley isn't sure which loss hurts the most - his sister, his home, his ties to his family, his sanity (although his grip on that was tremulous in the first place), but he's begun to think it doesn't matter what the cause is when simply going through the day feels like he's being ripped apart from the inside out.

The only consolation is that he doesn't feel quite so hollow when he manages to keep busy; an astonishingly easy feat in the aftermath of the earthquake that shook the foundations of both District One and Riley's soul. Natural disasters have a way of making extra-long shifts at the hospital commonplace, even for interns. Perhaps it isn't healthy or right, but Riley feels like sometimes he can alleviate the pain from his own wounds for whatever span of time by fixing other people who aren't yet broken beyond repair. The signs of the life of a doctor-in-training are obvious in everything he sees when he looks in the mirror nowadays; bruise-like shadows beneath his eyes from maybe an hour or two of sleep a night and a sort of creaky stiffness in his carriage from being on his feet more than any person ought to be. Still, he would never complain that he spends more time in the sterile halls of the hospital than he does in the homey, cluttered apartment with a secretive, eccentric roommate that is supposed to be home now. The rest of the Lightwoods are staying with family on the other side of the District while the manor is rebuilt, but Riley knew as soon as the sun touched his skin after his entrapment in the wreckage of Fenn's basement that going back to a life as the de facto parent to six children wouldn't work. The last part of him clinging with ragged nails and clenched teeth to his mental and emotional stability knew that Avon's absence was more than he could bear, and with an unexpected but imminent family of his own on the way he knew it was time to leave his dysfunctional former home to someone else's care.

These days, he manages. That's the only way Riley can think to describe it. He gets up, goes to work, stops by Fenn's to check on her, eats if he remembers to, goes to bed, and then gets up the next morning and starts over. There's a false stability in that structure, but there's also a dreadful sort of emptiness that gnaws at the fringes of his mind and threatens to send him careening over the edge of oblivion (the siren song of a razor's edge has never been more tempting, but Riley is done with breaking promises and sometimes he thinks that the sight of his gradually healing scars is the only strength he has left). His life hasn't exploded into violent ruin like he thought it would, but it still feels wrong, wrapped in a haze of words unspoken and strings untied.

Maybe everything is broken, but I can at least try to fix it.

He got off his shift late for what feels like the umpteenth time this afternoon, resulting in Riley hauling himself through the door of the coffee shop looking far more haggard than he means to. The girl behind the counter knows him since the place is near the hospital and he swings through most days on his lunch break, offers him a sympathetic look and a free muffin when she slides his latte across the polished wooden surface with a knowing grin. "That girl over there's been waiting for a half hour. Got a date, Dr. Lightwood?"

"I'm not a doctor yet. My certification test is in... two months? And no, not exactly," Riley says, almost taken aback by the fatigue in his own voice before chancing a glance over his shoulder and catching a flash of brilliant blonde and eyes that could light up the sky. Even through the rippling pang of renewed loss that burns like acid behind his sternum, Riley can't ignore the way his heart seems to trip over itself for a moment before picking up a double-time pace. Bridgit is that heartbreak kind of beautiful that makes everything around it pale in comparison, and he's suddenly hyper-aware of how he must look, a ragged, lost-looking beanpole of a boy in wrinkled slacks and a lab coat, desperately in need of a full night's sleep and a haircut.

She pulls him into her field of gravity like the sun can pull the moon (she always has, even in the days when everything was simple and all he could determine was that he loved her more than all the stars in the sky because she outshined every last one of them), and almost without realizing it Riley winds his way through empty chairs and tables until he folds his spindly frame into the seat across from her, a tired, uncertain smile pulling at his lips. "Hi, Bridge. How've you been?"

Maybe trying to patch things up with Bridgit is a futile effort (he couldn't blame her for not forgiving him since he can't forgive himself), especially seeing as his last attempt to do so ended up with three days trapped in the basement of a ruined house, but Riley can't shake the feeling that whatever is left of them at least deserves trying to be salvaged. He is more than aware that he's destroyed every chance at his own happiness - the only exception to this fact is the prospect of a daughter in less than a month - but simply being near the girl with the sun beneath her skin makes him feel like maybe, just maybe everything might not be lost.

"I'm really sorry I'm late; the hospital's been crazy. Anyway, I just... I wanted to talk. You know, since last time we tried the earthquake kind of got in the way and then there was... then there was Avon and all of that and I just feel like we never really got to have our closure, or you know, our..." Riley stammers to a halt with a pink tinge spreading over the pallor of his cheekbones, eerily similar to his awkward babbling on their first date before reminding himself that she probably doesn't find that endearing any more and struggling to pull himself back to composure. "All right, starting over. Let's catch up. What have you been up to?"

when your tears are spent on your last pretense
and your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
if your heart wears thin i will hold you up
and i will hide you when it gets too much
i'll be right beside you, nobody will break you

word count: 1180
tags: bridgit bonham
song: beside you - marianas trench