[ Sea of Sin ] Nofo

Slowly I sink deeper and deeper into the depths of my mind and I let the folds of insanity press down onto me, suffocating me and making breathing all that more harder to do. It wraps itself around each and every cell in my brain and it holds tight, tighter then a python as it grabs its prey and tighter then the kraken as it tears a boat to bits, devouring everything and everyone on it and doesn’t let me go. Like the lone sailor at sea I am lost, and have nowhere to turn, everything looks the same, nothing is all I have. Like a ship as it hits a reef, I sink below the surface of the black waters and a forgotten world embraces me in its icy arms, even though my mind falls I still stand in the real world. I stand on shattered legs that struggle to carry me through a day’s work and threaten to give with each morning as I press the weight of the world onto my feet. My mind that is more fragile than a leaf is all that I have left to keep me thinking and moving each day and even though it is the source of my insanity, it is my only escape from it. Sometimes I wonder why I still stand, for there is nothing that keeps me going.

My mind has already lost its battle, it has folded to insanity, even when I have respites from its grasp, they seem to grow shorter and shorter as it takes complete hold of me. And my soul follows slowly, it twirls in elegant circles floating into the great depths of a mind where it will be lost and washed out to sea by the rising tide, there no one will be able to find it and I will truly be gone. I watch it do this, every day I peer into my own eyes and into my own mind, where no one should travel and if you ever do you will get lost, the twist and tunnels that make it up forbid entry and exit is impossible. I have no energy to stop its long tumble, to stop it from falling would be to fight and use the precious little energy that I have to throw myself at that giant wave and watch it crash over me, killing me and dragging me down to the deep depths of the ocean where my heart and soul are, and where no one not even Him we be able to find me. So I do not fight it, because fighting is not what I do.

When I look into the world that I believe to be real all I see is the fight of my mind, I see the long marks of a tiresome battle and the visions of the real slowly became the dead and the dead become the real. In my mind the living have ceased to breath, the dead taking up that air and rising from their graves to greet me and join me in my fail to fight insanity. They all look the same, the dead and living, there is nothing different about them. When I take but a moment to gaze down at my thin stick like arms I see what they all see. A dying body, for I do not take the time any more to care for myself. Just like the dead my body deteriorates and just like the living it tries to fight it, but it is a losing battle, just like everything in this world, you always loose. The pale skin and thin body are just a few of the signs of my neglect. I often worry if they notice the prominent bones; I hide them beneath large baggy clothes, sheltering them from the elements as well as my family. They can’t know that I dream for death. Sometimes I wonder if I’m already dead. The walls of the living and real have merged in my world, the dead aren’t merely still and the living no longer breath, they are together.

As I continue my slow decent I forget who I am and let the person my parents want me to be take place. All I see is Him our saviour, my relief, my believer. But that will, those brain washing thoughts are not yet strong enough to keep me alive and functioning, they have not yet taken control of my body and everything I do, in a way I still am me. As He becomes one with me and as the dead take hold of me, I have begun to fear that I might tear, the mixing of these different worlds is leaving me weak and fragile. One day even the slightest of breezes will knock me over.The coming tide of the ocean at the end of the day is like who I am. As it rises up and plunges onto the land my mind fights, as it is dragged back and swallowed by the mass of the sea I let insanity control me. It is a dying fight; just like that tide it will always lose, the ocean is too powerful, just as the insanity is.

I gasp as my foot collides with the rock. The pain hits me like an all-consuming wave as it crashes onto people, it hits your head first and the pain as it pummels you races down your body as you twist and turn through the water, flipping this way and that was. But unlike such extreme pain, this one is easy to ignore, instead a small gasp escapes my lips. My bare foot throbs and a spare a second of my time to gaze at the bloody nail. Tiny flecks of blood have just begun to show on a nail so grim covered and dirty that it amazes me that it even manages to seep through the dirt. Lifeless eyes pass over it there is no flicker of worry or even shock at the damage to the toe. It doesn’t bother me, one less toe means one less thing to care for, one less part of me to lose. One less part of me to lose would be handy, it means that my parents wouldn’t be able to control that part of me, it would be mine. I briefly look up into the world around me, but like normal the tall pine trees, sweet chirping of a nearby bird and even the fresh smell in the air do not bring a smile to my lips. Most normal people would laugh, smile and be generally happy at the amount of life and happiness that presses down on me.

For me it is nothing, but a disease that makes each step more painful, or was that my toe? But then even if it was my toe, my hate for the world around me would tell me to hate the birds and their sweet music, the smell of freshness in the air made me sick, I missed the smell of death and decay, the smells of my wants. And not for the first time today do I wish for death.