Pinch me I'm dreaming[Raseri]

I didn’t realize school was over until after the bell had rung, when the building’s white-washed halls had fallen into such silence that my every exhalation was amplified to an unnecessary volume. It wasn’t this volume that pulled me out of my trance, however—it was the custodian, who politely asked me to leave so that he could lock the doors. I sincerely apologized for what seemed like the third time this week—and what probably was, considering how often I lost myself in my thoughts like that—before gathering my things and showing myself out.

As soon as I’d pushed open the last set of doors, I broke into a brisk jog towards the beach, savoring the sweet salvation that was pure, fresh air after spending six hours in a stuffy classroom. Even from this distance, I could taste the salt of the ocean on my lips as it blew in the ever-present breeze, and it made me run faster—I longed to feel the familiar sting of the saltwater, and the warmth of the sand between my bare toes, something that will never get old regardless of my age.

The moment I reached the shore, I sprinted towards the water, stopping just short of the tide to throw my backpack on the ground and strip down to my purple bikini. Although I wasn't nearly as curvy as some of the other girls my age, I wasn't at all afraid to show this much of my body in public. I was a Career, after all, and training had toned my muscles from head to toe.

I disappeared into the ocean, letting the cool turquoise waves swallow me whole as the current carried my worries away. When I resurfaced, I pushed the wet hair out of my face and breathed slowly, digging my toes into the wet, sandy mush beneath the water. For a few moments, I stared out to sea like I usually did, letting the water lap against my bare stomach before retreating back to the great beyond. Before long, I was spaced out in a trance, just like the one I had been in at school. But that was soon interrupted by a loud, teeth-chattering shriek of pain.

Instinctively, I ran/waded out of the water and sprinted along the shore towards the sound, not stopping to wonder who it was I was running towards. I soon found that it was a girl about my age, running around in circles with a crab latched onto her hand, the poor thing. Thankfully, my parents owned a fishing business--I'd dealt with these sorts of things loads of times before. My pace slowed as I drew closer, and I raised my voice so I could be heard over her screams.

"Slow down!" I told her, reaching out and grabbing her shoulder so that she would stop running. "Here--let me help." With my left hand, I held her forearm steady, and with the other, I pinched the crab near its swimming fin. It immediately relinquished its grip on her fingers. I took a few steps towards the ocean, and with a flick of my arm, I tossed the crustacean back where it belonged.

Turning back to the girl, I asked with concern, "Are you all right?" Hesitantly, I reached for her hand, gingerly examining the joints to make sure nothing had been hurt too badly. Thankfully, it didn't seem like any permanent damage had been done.

doing, saying, thinking, hearing, other

The first touch of the girl's arms turned me into a statue, the cool shock of her fingers on my bare back freezing me into a solid, immovable block of ice. Never before had anyone approached me so suddenly like that to give me a hug--maybe to throw a punch, like we did in training, but never to show any form of tenderness. I didn't know what to do. It was strange; I had only known this girl for a minute, and yet she managed to have this effect on me. But the warmth of her embrace must have melted my icy shell, because I soon noticed that my arms were wrapped shyly around her, too, and I was hugging her back.

"Thank you for saving me, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been here to help."

Her hand slipped into mine, and at first, I was rigid and unresponsive like before. But then I let my fingers fold around her hand the way she had done to mine. It had been years since I'd held hands with anyone, and even back then those hands had belonged to my parents, when my fingers had been so small in comparison that they had almost disappeared within the grasp of the larger digits. This time, it was different; our hands were about the same size, and there was less space between our fingers when they intertwined. They fit together like puzzle pieces. I had thought that girls usually only held hands with boys, and part of me knew that this wasn't something I should be doing, but it didn't feel bad, or wrong, or anything. It felt warm and friendly, and to be honest, I liked it.

"You're welcome. I'm just glad you aren't hurt," I told her with a smile.

"Thanks again for helping me, it really means alot. My name is Hallie by the way...are you an angel...?" There was a pause as I waited for her to finish her question, or whatever she was saying about an angel. Then the color rushed to my cheeks as I realized that she was talking about me, asking if I was an angel. My hand immediately drifted to my neck near my ear, the same place I always rubbed subconsciously when I was nervous or in an awkward situation. I didn't know if I was the former, or the latter, or both, or neither. All I could do was smile weakly--"When in doubt, smile it out," right?--and shake my head with a nervous laugh.

"No," I told her, wondering if she had been serious or if she had just been trying to compliment me. "I'm not an angel, I'm just Stirling. It's nice to meet you, Hallie. You have a really pretty name," I complemented, smiling at her. It was a pretty name, sort of like 'Holly' but with more of a happy sound to it. It sounded like a name you could say while smiling, and each syllable was like a peal of laughter. I looked down and saw that we were still holding hands, and I wondered if she noticed, too, and if she minded.

{ooc- wrote this at midnight with scratchy contacts and low muse, sorry xD}

doing, saying, thinking, hearing, other

I don't think Hallie heard my compliment, because she didn't say anything. It had probably been lost to the wind, swept away towards the rolling waves of the sea. Neither of us said anything--a long, uncomfortable silence echoed in the air instead of speech. Conversations had never been my forte, and I usually had to rely on others to keep one going. Now, however, it occurred to me that Hallie might be just as conversationally challenged as I was. I looked down at our joined hands, thinking that there were a few questions on my mind, but they might be offensive or she might take them the wrong way. So I stared at my feet instead, shifting my toes through the dry sand and hoping something would break the silence.

"Would you want to go anywhere with me, like I have this really beautiful spot that no one knows about, and I've always wanted to share it with someone."

Hallie’s voice was the one that saved me, pulling us both out of the quiet after what had seemed like hours. My eyes left my feet when she asked me if I want to go somewhere, but I was cursed at a young age with the inability to make eye contact, so I still couldn’t bring myself to meet her gaze. I had no idea where she wanted to take me, and I probably would have politely refused, but she didn’t seem to be listening for an answer. Before I could say no, Hallie began to lead me away from the beach.

I wasn’t usually this passive about things. My conscience begged me to stop following her, to stop letting her hold my hand and drag me behind her, but the stupid part of me—the part that had apparently taken over today—didn’t listen. I had only known this girl for a few minutes, and here I was allowing her to take me to some unknown place even though I knew I should just yank my hand away and tell her she was going too far. My curiosity was definitely getting the better of me.

We ended up in some kind of cave which was actually really pretty, with sparkly walls and a great view of the ocean. She’d never shared this place with anyone... And yet, she was sharing it with me, someone she had only met minutes ago. It was so flattering that a faint blush began to bloom again in my cheeks as Hallie led me to the edge of the little room, pulling me down to sit beside her. My toes curled at the cold shock of the little pool of seawater.

"This is my most favorite place in the whole world, it's where I come to be alone, no one else knows about it because I kept it a secret. I wanted to...share it with you...Stirling, because, well I don't know why...I guess...a special person deserved to see a special place." Her words left me speechless. It had been a long time since anyone had called me special in a good way. I should have thanked her, but for some reason, all I could do was sit there, staring out at the ocean. I could see why she would want to keep something like this secret—it was beautiful, and peaceful, and I would want to keep something like this to myself, too. A silence fell over the room, but this time, it wasn’t the bad kind, or the uncomfortable kind—it was calm, and serene.

And then, ever-so-gently, she rested her cheek on my shoulder. My muscles tensed at the sudden, unexpected closeness, and the sirens began going off in my mind. Hallie was really nice, and I liked her and everything, but she seemed to be getting the wrong idea. I liked boys romantically, not girls. Why else would I have felt that way on that day with Fynn at the cenote? The last thing I wanted to do was insult a potential friend, the only person in forever? years who had thought of me as special, not stupid or strange. But I also didn’t want to lie.

Gently, I wiggled my shoulder out from under her head—not too quickly, but enough to let her know I was uncomfortable or, at least, I should have been. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her; I was too afraid I would find too much sadness in her expression, and I desperately hoped I hadn’t hurt her. It just wasn’t right to do that when it wasn’t right? how I really felt. I was an honest person.

”I-I’m sorry…” I said quietly to the floor. ”I don’t want to upset you. It’s just, I don’t…” I sighed. ”I don’t know. I’m sorry.” And I was.

And I knew, deep down, that I had probably done the right thing. But as I stared down at our hands, still folded together and resting in the space between us, I had to wonder—was this really a bad thing?

{gah, this sucks}

doing, saying, thinking, hearing, other

“Stirling, there is something I need to tell you…about me… about my life,” Hallie began. I still couldn’t find the strength to look the other girl in the eyes, but I focused in with my ears and tried to be a good listener (although that never seemed to work in school). I had always had trouble fitting in socially just as Hallie was describing, but for different reasons—not for my sexuality, but for the amount of time I spent trying to escape reality, and for my inability to pay attention during the few times that other people attempted to have conversations with me.

”I thought that maybe… you were my fairy tale princess.”

I bit my lip and made the mistake of looking up, noticing that Hallie looked like she was about to cry at any second. I knew it wasn’t my fault that she thought of me as some kind of angel, but for some reason I still felt responsible for this whole thing. Maybe I hadn’t realized it, but had I just been leading her on by allowing her to hold my hand and bring me here? Then again, it hadn’t meant the same thing to me as it did to her. Perhaps I should have ignored her cry for help in the first place. But I wasn’t that kind of person.

My heart hung heavy with empathy at Hallie’s story, but although I wanted to help, I had no idea how to without lying to myself and to Hallie. And all lies were figured out eventually, so wouldn’t that just end up hurting her in the end? Not all stories were fairy tales, and sometimes we were all just going to have to accept it.

But honestly, I didn’t want to.

I knew what it felt like to be alone, and to have no one to talk to about it. I certainly wasn’t a princess, and I was far from angelic in any way. But did that mean I couldn’t help her, give her something to help keep her chin up? I knew that lying was wrong, but if you were lying to help someone, was it a bad thing? I could do it, I could kiss her right now, just to let her know that there was at least one person in this harsh world that cared about what she was feeling. Just one kiss, all I had to do was lean over. It would mean everything to her, but nothing to me (right?).

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn’t do that to her, or to anyone for that matter. It would only do more to lead her on, to make her think that I was interested in her in a different way. In the end, she’d be hurt even more. Hallie didn’t deserve that any more than she deserved to be alone.

”Hallie,” I sighed, ”I’m not an angel. And I’m not a princess. I’m sorry.” I looked down from her eyes to stare at our hands again, and I ran my thumb along the back of her soft palm as I thought. Why was I so comfortable with this, and not with everything else? ”But you don’t have to be alone, you know. We can be friends.” I looked back up to her, waiting for an answer.

{ooc- what the butts raseri you call this a post this isn’t a post this is crap}

doing, saying, thinking, hearing, other

’We can’t be friends,’ she was saying. ’It just wouldn’t work. My heart would break every time I saw you, the way your eyes look at me, the way you smile it would all hurt me so much. ’ I foolishly met her gaze and saw that her eyes were a deep shade of grey, like thick, angry storm clouds marching across the spherical sky. They weren’t angry, though; they were sad, and the shiny hint of tears in the corners of her eyes only made them seem more like rain clouds that could fall at any second. All because of me. All of this was so sudden and so strange—my whole life, people had ignored and avoided me, and now I was really affecting someone. I just wished I weren’t doing it in such a hurtful way. I guess that’s why they tell you to be careful what you wish for. If only I were a better listener.

My heart wanted to reach out to her, this girl who was so much like me, so lost and alone for no other reason than her personality and for the way she had chosen to love. I knew how it felt—like being stuck in a room of crowded people and screaming for someone to listen, but no one ever does—and the last thing I wanted was for Hallie to feel like she had gone too far into the dark to ever find that light of hope. I’m not an angel, and I’m not worthy of this look of reverence in her eyes, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help her, regardless of what she thinks. Hallie is more fragile than I am, I can tell, like one of those porcelain dolls my mother used to collect when she was little. They broke so easily. Maybe she could use a little super glue trom someone like me, I thought, as the other girl leaned towards me in slow motion.

The moment I realized what was happening I became a statue, every inch of my body frozen completely save for my chest, which still rose and fell with each whispered breath. I'm not sure why I didn't get up and say it was enough--maybe it was because, after hearing her story, I didn't want to fight something so breakable. Instead, I closed my eyes and waited. And when our lips finally did touch, it wasn't anything like I'd thought it would be. It didn't feel bad, or wrong, or anything negative like I'd imagined in those few previous seconds. It was soft, and warm, and welcoming, and the warm ocean wind brushed softly against the blushes on our cheeks, and the water between our toes was cool and calm. Hallie's lips felt like rose petals against my chapped ones, and in the last few seconds I was kissing her too, then gently pulling away in a slow decrescendo. I know it wasn't something I should have been thinking, but somewhere in the midst of things I was--If I could stay in this moment, right here, for the rest of high school, then that wouldn't be so bad.

I pressed my lips together, savoring the feel of the kiss just so I could think about it for a few seconds longer, hoping it might answer some of the questions in my head. And after a moment or two, it dawned on me that kissing Hallie was almost like kissing Fynn that day, but less messy, and definitely more unsure. If that was true... Was kissing boys and kissing girls much different at all? Lips were lips... and love was love, right? I was so confused, and even more confusing was the realization that I was leaning back into her, and we were kissing again.

It only lasted about two seconds, and then we were just sitting there side by side again. I probably shouldn't have kissed her a second time, I knew... but I did, and now there was no taking it back. I have always been an honest person, and I never said I thought things through very well, or that I was smart--both would be a lie. The truth was, I acted on impulse too often for my own good. I didn't know what I wanted right now, but that was okay because it didn't sound like I was the one doing the thinking when I spoke.

"I don't want you to be alone, Hallie," I nearly whispered, figuring it never hurt for little girls to play princess sometimes.

doing, saying, thinking, hearing, other