maybe there's more to this // Sunny

Your eyes they tie me down so hard
I'll never learn to put up a guard
So keep my love, my candle bright
Learn me hard, oh learn me right
This ain't no sham

He couldn’t say he missed his old life. Every thought of spending the day by himself was blocked off and pushed away every time it tried to creep forwards. They did, however, stay hidden at the back of his mind, pestering him and prodding him to find an answer to a question he found no need to. So he left it there, he ignored its persistent calling, teasing and pulling, he flicked it away irritably very time it tried to distract him and instead he would focus on the good. Focusing on the reasons why he would not answer that question.

Your eyes they tie me down so hard
I'll never learn to put up a guard
So keep my love, my candle bright
Learn me hard, oh learn me right
This ain't no sham

”Hey, Tye, what do each of your tattoos mean?” Instinctively he found his own hand mirroring Hopper’s. Reaching forward he gently places a finger on the tattoo. His fingers linger over the writing, the small bumps of the ink, and the permanent reminder of what was there. Slowly he finished off his mouthful of omelette, letting the flavours stay with him as he contemplated on what to say. His fingers never left the ink that marked his neck; they stayed glued to them as though they would tell Hopper what he wanted to know, because Tiberius wasn’t sure if he could. He rarely dwelled on what each tattoo meant anymore. Every time he did get one it was always for a reason, a reminder. This one was different; it hadn’t been so much for a reason. The elusive cursive writing was incredibly hard to read, and only if you looked closely could you decipher what was hidden beneath each twist and turn.

When he had first gotten the tattoo he had loved it more than any other one that he had, but now as he stared at Hopper he felt no love for the marking. Instead his gut twisted with apprehension and he nervously twisted his fork between his fingers. Part of him believed that it would ruin this, ruin the fact that they were both smiling and happy, the fact that Tiberius had forgotten about all of that history. He didn’t want to destroy the moment of tranquillity and peace that had settled over his life with history, with faded memories and stupid choices. But he couldn’t not say anything. It wasn’t who he was. He didn’t want to say the story behind the tattoo, some a. It was perhaps the only one he actually regretted getting and yet he was torn. It reminded him of what he use to have, it reminded him of the bad times, of the lust hate and the times in which he had been happy.

Yet, he was happier than he had ever been before. Now when he dwelled on the one word imprinted on the side of his neck it only tugged at bad memories in his mind, pulling them to the front of his head. Memories he wanted to forget. He hadn’t seen Shadow for a very long time; he hadn’t been near the Nox house for an even longer time. Without a word he had slipped from Shadow’s life, leaving him to sell his drugs by himself, leaving him with the boy he craved the attention of. Tiberius could remember a time when he uses to do the same to him, and it made him smile and laugh, he had a friend. Now when the memories pulsated through him it only made him angry, his fists clenched tighter and his grip on his fork caused his knuckles to whiten. He felt as though he had been played, because it was as though he was some toy, something to fixate over. But as soon as something new and better comes along your left out in the rain. No longer wanted or needed.

It had been two years since the first day they had met and they had become inseparable. Selling their products as a team and working together to earn money and make a living, they had been a great success together, making over double what they could by themselves. It had been Shadow’s idea, of course. Tiberius, being fully in love with him had eagerly agreed, wanting to please him, wanting the attention he would give. Now the thought of his own need for Shadow made him feel sick. He had been totally and utterly fixated on the boy, to the point where he did stupid silly things just to please him. “It’s a difficult story. One I haven’t even thought about for a long time.” He looks away from Hopper, instead focusing all his attention on the half eaten omelette on his plate.

He no longer had any appetite and the thought of eating only increased his discomfort. He knew that if he were to look at hopper right now his distress and discomfort would be easily readable, but he hid his anger deep within him. Tiberius didn’t want Hopper to see that he was angry, because he would most likely think it was directed at him, but it wasn’t. It was directed at the boys who name was going to be forever etched into his very own skin. “It says ‘Shadow’, it is his name. We had this deal, that we would do it, because we were friends. He has my name on his neck in the exact same spot. It was supposed to be a promise-“ The words just keep coming out, a hint of desperation underlying everything he said. Tiberius had to explain it to hopper, he had to let Hopper know that it was a mistake, that it was just his name and nothing more.

”It doesn’t mean what it used to mean. Now it just reminds me of why I never see him anymore. It isn’t a promise anymore, because that promise was broken.” He didn’t know why he had to say it all, why he felt the need to explain it to Hopper. He wanted Hopper to know that it meant nothing, that it was just a tattoo. It confused him, this driving want for Hopper to understand something that shouldn’t matter. Hopper wasn’t anything in the way that Shadow had been to him. Tiberius was only Hopper’s friend that was all they were. Wasn’t that all he wanted? He lifted his own eyes to meet Hopper’s once more and he felt his heart stumble, he had no answer to that question.

I am what I am
Though I may speak some tongue of old
Or even spit out some holy word
I have no strength from which to speak
When you sit me down, and see I'm weak

Your eyes they tie me down so hard
I'll never learn to put up a guard
So keep my love, my candle bright
Learn me hard, oh learn me right
This ain't no sham

Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what he was doing. Sometimes he would be reading or simply doing something and the questions of what he was doing would pop forwards, momentarily confusing him and leaving him frustrated and angry. He could never tell why he kept asking himself that question, why it kept bugging him to the point he had slammed doors, broken plates and he had even accidently stabbed himself with a knife. What was he doing? The question seemed to numb him and the grip on the fork tightened for a heartbeat before he loosened it, his eyes travelling over the room. The kitchen was clean, cleaner than it had been for a long time. But then hopper had made sure the place had stayed clean and cared for.

Tiberius had helped and on the weekend it had become like a task they would do. They’d clean out the house together, keeping it in top condition. A state that it had not once been in before, it felt odd. It felt different not seeing the dirt and rubbish that use to clutter the hidden corners. He never did keep it in the open, he hid it, away from his own eyes, but he never actually cleaned the place. The accustomed grim and dirt that had clung to the windows had faded and now the morning light seeped through. It made the room look warm and welcoming as though the place had transformed into a home where people actually lived in.

He liked it. He liked the idea of living somewhere that was actually liveable. His stormy eyes slide over Hopper, watching as his smile slides from his own face. A pang of guilt stabs at his own heart and in that moment he wanted to pull that story away. He wanted to tug it back into the folds of his own mind where it would eat away at his own thoughts. To the place where the very memory of Shadow could harm no one, but himself.

But, then he wasn’t sure if it was the fact that it was the story or who was in it that had made the temperature in the room drop. There was no smile from either of them and Tiberius’ mind still swirled with the very memory of Shadow standing in front of him, grinning, laughing and talking to him as he got the tattoo. He could remember as he had watched Shadow get his own name on him, it was crystal clear in his mind. Every time he spared a thought for it made his chest ache and his stomach twist. He had spent over a year convincing himself he didn’t love or care for Shadow, but every time he even mentioned his name it was as if he had never left him. It was as if he still did love him. He was a fool for feeling that way.

He knew he was. He knew that feeling like that was foolish and stupid, Shadow had destroyed him, Shadow didn’t care and Tiberius was confident that he never would. It wasn’t something Shadow felt (He knew that from past experiences with the charming boy). He wasn’t a guy that felt feelings as much as Tiberius ever had, and even though he was the more unlikely of the two he had the bigger heart.

With a surprised look, he turns his eyes upwards, snapping out of his own self-pity to meet a lingering smile that manages to creep its way across Hopper’s face. Tiberius realises that it wasn’t what he thought the fading smile meant and he curses himself for being so stupid. Hopper didn’t think anything of Shadow, he wasn’t jealous, he wasn’t offended. He was simply worried that Tiberius was going into an area of history that would hurt. Hopper felt bad for making him open up old memories. Looking across the table, Tiberius knew that out of the two of them Hopper had the bigger heart; he had the better side then Tiberius. He was nice, he was a good guy and sometimes Tiberius just wanted to ask him, how did a guy like him end up in this type of situation?

”You know, I don’t know if I ever mentioned it to you or not, but I’ve got a tattoo on my right side.” A small smile tugs at the corners of his lips. Hopper’s broadens as he tells Tiberius about the tattoo, the big monstrosity that he had gained from a drunken expedition. His own smile broadens, he wanted to laugh, except he knew how much pain it would be for Hopper to even mention Jamar’s name. There was so much history back there; it seemed that each of their permanent reminders carried a lot of weight. They kept bringing up bad memories.

”Come on, we should go for a walk. I don’t know, do something other than sit around the house all day.” Still smiling he stood up, he didn’t even care that he still had the clothes he slept in on, he just wanted to leave the house. Get out and do something. He didn’t want to be here. Suddenly being confined in his house was something he despised. The idea of doing nothing made him anxious. When you had nothing to do you began thinking and sometimes Tiberius just didn’t want to think. What was he doing?

I am what I am
Though I may speak some tongue of old
Or even spit out some holy word
I have no strength from which to speak
When you sit me down, and see I'm weak

ooc -- [ sorry about this reply Dx ]

Sadness will be far away
So as we walked through fields of green
Was the fairest sun I'd ever seen
And I was broke, I was on my knees
And you said yes as I said please

Your eyes they tie me down so hard
I'll never learn to put up a guard
So keep my love, my candle bright
Learn me hard, oh learn me right
This ain't no sham

The market was busy, people slipped in and out amongst the stands. It was loud and noisy, a thousand people talking over one another, trying to outdo the next, trying to talk and scream and yell to be heard over each other. It was like any day the market was open, it was busy and bustling and the air echoed with the few moments of joy that the district could hold. Not even the thick layer of smog that seemed to drift over the crowd could affect anyone. Some people held that normal hacking cough; some people were bent over and trying not to breathe it in. Tiberius didn’t mind it, there was nothing that horribly bad about it. He had grown up breathing in the filthy air that hung around the district, it smelt like home, the place he wanted to live in. Just as they had stepped into the market Hopper, trailing a little behind Tiberius. He bolted. Tiberius looked back at him for a moment to see Hopper look p, alert. His eyes flickered to the left for a brief second before he was off.

He ran, fast, faster then Tiberius had ever seen him run. He didn’t care who he hit, he didn’t care that he was slamming into people; the sturdy built boy just collided with them, sending everyone falling. A few people managed to scramble out of his way as he crashed through the crowds. He looked like a man on a mission. Tiberius hesitated for a moment, his mouth dropping open a few notches. Surprise flickered across his eyes as he watched Hopper run away from him. He couldn’t fathom any reason why he was doing it, why he had just suddenly felt the urge to sprint down the market, crashing into people. He didn’t seem to care; it was as though he was looking for something, the way he just stared straight ahead as though he didn’t want to loose what he was trying to find. He stood there; feet glued to the ground for another moment, uncomprehending what he had just seeing. It had been so incredibly unlike Hopper.

Then as though he had finally woken up he took off, feet hitting the ground lightly with each step. He was very fit and healthy and he knew Hopper was anything but. But as he continued to follow the trail of destruction left by Hopper he realised that it must have been something awfully important. Hopper hadn’t been able to run far for a long time. His constant self-punishment has left his body in a very bad shape and Tiberius jogged in amazement at just how far Hopper had managed to get on his weak legs. He was fit and very healthy, he had always cared for his own body, he hated the idea of being unfit, of being unable to carry himself over a long distance.

He had needed to be a fast runner. Stepping into the drugs business meant you needed to be fast on your feet, you need to have good reflexes and very good fighting skills. You had to have the ability to protect yourself. The most important thing was that you had to be ruthless, you couldn’t be weak-hearted, and you couldn’t break when you needed to get a job done. If you did you would end up dead. Tiberius spent at least two hours of each day keeping his body in top shape, he ran and daily, he practised using a knife and any other weapon he could possibly get his hands on. On a good day he was positive he could best anyone, maybe even one of those careers. It wasn’t always just for business; he knew being fit and healthy would help him if he was ever reaped. There was always a reason for everything anyone ever did.

He slowed his pace down as Hopper came into view, his breathing was easy, and his heart wasn’t even racing. What he saw only increased the surprise that seemed to blossom up in his chest. Hopper had literally tackle hugged some girl. Colliding with her and wrapping his strong arms around her. One of the biggest smiles Tiberius had ever seen was plastered on his face. He felt an unexpected pang of jealous well up in his chest, but he shoved it away impatiently, irritated by the very idea of jealousy. Tiberius had nothing to be jealous of, Hopper was just a friend and yet he wanted to be the one to make Hopper smile like that.

Hopper seemed to finally notice Tiberius; Tiberius was looking at the girl. She had a pretty enough face, soft feature and brown hair. Her eyes were round with surprise, but there was a hint of affection within there depths. And Tiberius knew who she was before Hopper said anything. She looked like him. She held herself the same way Hopper had, although Hopper had grown out of it, Tiberius had seen him stop it, but this girl, Tacara, as Hopper says, held herself with that same submissive down turn of her shoulders. She looked scared of everything that even glanced at her. Just as Hopper had once looked. Yet they had the same look about them, the nose and the lips, the same tint to the hair.

She looked as if she would break easily. Like a fragile china doll.

Tiberius nodded his head politely towards her; his hospitality didn’t extend that far towards anyone. He was instinctively suspicious of people he didn’t know. It ha become habit to be weary about people, it had kept him alive. And even though Tacara looked as threatening as a fly he still held back. Too many years of experience as well as the few things that Tiberius knew about Hopper’s family. Tiberius just didn’t believe they were good people, from everything Hopper had said, from watching Hopper and living with him he wasn’t sure what to think of them. He allowed himself a small smile in her direction.

I am what I am
Though I may speak some tongue of old
Or even spit out some holy word
I have no strength from which to speak
When you sit me down, and see I'm weak