birds in broken {cages} // halcyons vs. raptors

don't feel sorry for yourself
i'll always wait for you
your ghost is a lightshow at night
on the Grand Coulee Dam

W H A T . W I L L my father do once I have died?

He doesn’t have a job, but I don’t expect him to get another one. It’s a sad thought that leaves me feeling helpless, because even though he always hurt me I never meant to do the same to him. Papa was a good man soiled by a hard life. There are too many people just like him. But he’s different than the others because he’s my Papa and I have distant memories of him laughing, swinging Mama around and holding me close and gentle like papas should. I close my eyes and I can picture him sitting in his chair, bottles scattered around him as he tries to find the oblivion that seems to be harder and harder to get to as his tolerance to the alcohol builds. One more sip and his eyes are closing, the drink slipping, heartbeat slowing... My eyes snap open again, the pain fresh and surprisingly prominent. He’ll be joining Mama and I soon. “Daddy? I’m sorry.”

Maybe, in the afterlife, we’ll be able to be a family again.

The blood sprays from the bird's back in a glittering scarlet arc that feels warm against my face. My initial instinct is to drop my weapon right there and dig my fingernails into my skin to scrape it off because that bird, that's my brother. I just attacked my brother. It settles into my stomach like a cold stone, icy and piercing. I suddenly feel sick, gritting my teeth as I feel my face blanch. Ripred. That's my brother. Instinctively I pull my star cloak closer, trying to keep myself safe and together. My hood is up, the mist curling around me, and I realize with a start that I must look like some kind of ghost or spirit. It empowers me slightly, being able to be someone other than me. I feel safer. And yet, my weapon hesitates. I hurt that bird, and I'm thinking of doing it again. What's happening to me?

We should stop. I should stop. Sierra and I could still do it - we could run, find Aka, get out of here. But time moves quickly, falling away in a quick pattern of missed opportunities.

And then, almost like a mutt herself, she comes. "Aka." A pause as I remain frozen, trying to register. A flash of a weapon, blood. "Aka." I want to laugh and cry and cling to her all at once. My sister has found us in a surprising turn of events, rescuing us. But as I spot the stormy anger in the birds' eyes, the familiar flight patterns as they come in for an attack, I feel fear replace my joy. It's true, she's saved us, but at what price? "Look out!"

I stumble back, having long since learned how to avoid the attack of an angry bird, but Sierra and Aka aren't as lucky. My scream of horror lodges itself in my through, rendering mute and still as a statue, tears pricking at the back of my eyes. "No," I whisper. "No." And I whirl forward, like a warrior, like a storm, like death itself. (I am a falconer and they will obey.) "You don't touch them, you understand? You don't touch them."

[Luciana attacks Barney with battleaxe]
[dice=200+11000]
[deep gash on left bicep / 8.0]

Killing is a strange sensation. It's almost as if I know, even before my blade makes sickening contact and the poor thing drops from the sky. Injury is gravity and gravity is death. (I should know. I've been dying ever since I was born.) And yet, even when I know it's good and gone and I'm sorry right? that's how i'm supposed to feel? sorry?, part of me tries to deny it. Wake up. I stare at the bird for a long time, at its glassy eyes and mangled body. Wake up. No response. Comprehension comes swiftly, though I wish it wouldn't have. "Oh." A pause, and then my hands drop my weapon and fly to my face in horror, eyes widening. "N-n-no."

My feet carry my over to the bird as if on their own accord, stumbling until I've dropped down beside the corpse. "No no no," I repeat, shaking my head. "No, this wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't mean to - I just - " Sobs begin to expand in my chest, hot and heavy, and desperately I find myself beginning to whistle to bird, hoping for a response. "Answer me," I whisper, shaking it and whistling again. Stillness, and my whisper turns to a shriek. "Answer me!" My head dips down, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ripred, I'm so sorry." Forgive me, little brother.

I never meant to kill you.

the river is watching you
at the drive-in tonight
who do they comfort now
since I've gone away?

it's your bicycle bells
and your Rembrandt swells
you're children like
and still breathing

O N C E . U P O N a time, people weren’t afraid of the Games.

We aren’t allowed to talk about it very much, but I hear stories sometimes of people who lived in the past. They built great big things and had factories that produced inventions and there were kings and queens and the people fought for things like freedom and justice. They sailed the seas, discovered new lands, created towering sculptures in honor of gods and goddesses that controlled every aspect of nature. That was a long, long time ago, when the Earth was still young and unscarred by the Great War that tore apart our world beyond recognition. They sound so brave. Or perhaps they were really quite average but seem brave in comparison to the fear we live in today. Either way, I sometimes long for a time like that to come again. Corruption threatens us, though. Peace with the Capitol is the only away. The Games are the compromise.

And I? I am a necessary sacrifice. We all are.

(Filler, I'm sorry D: Luci has a long, in depth conversation with her mother for a little bit until she suddenly stands up and tries to kill her, at which point Luci attacks the live bird, thinking it is her dead mother. If that isn't too confusing.)

[Luciana attacks The Queen with her battleaxe]
[dice=200+11000]
[severed left forearm at elbow / 9.5]

Luci freaks out, thinks she killed her mother when she suddenly bursts into a thousand feathers, and then uses the antivenom, which doesn't take immediate affect but makes her hallucinations less horrifying so that she's helping the birds fly again and one brushes her lips but whoops, that's really Aka even though she doesn't realize it. It will be written, I promise, just when I'm a little less tired <3

[Luciana uses antivenom on herself, performs first aid on herself for -3 damage, receives an empty water jug through sponsorship, and flees with Aka]

it's your look of loss
when you're coming across
makes me feel like a thief
when you're bleeding