{ the morning after dark } Mikhail's last words

[/i]believed; believed that I could go home. With a shaky hand I run my finger along his cheek, remembering the last words that he had spoken to me, but as soon as my fingers touched his skin; he vanished. Leaving me huddled over nothing but thin air.

A tear runs down my cheek and I hold back a howl of pain, a groan of grief. I wanted to see his face again, I wanted to see his smile, to feel his body against mine, his lips against mine. But as I looked around the darkness that surrounded me I saw nothing, nothing but the never ending darkness that embraced me. I was truly alone in this nightmare- hallucination.

Suddenly I wasn’t in darkness anymore. I was back at the bloodbath; chaos, peoples screams and the smell of blood filled my nose. I willed myself to will to be anywhere, anywhere but here. But no matter how much I begged to leave this horrible place; mind took me deeper and deeper into the memory until I felt as though I was back there, running around in the mess, people screaming, limbs flying, mind racing. And then I saw myself.

The bloodbath had calmed down, and only a few tributes were left, fighting it out. I saw Yaa, I saw Diemos- Diemos, the boy who had died early in the games, the boy who had loved the girl who was about to take away the life I clung to. Would he be cheering her on? Begging her to end me? Would he hate me? I didn’t know. He was soon forgotten when my eyes catch sight of Andy. For the briefest moment happiness filled me, and then I saw that boy slice through his arm and I was filled with a hatred so strong that I could barely control the snarl that fled to my lips.

Then I saw me, running towards the boy who had taken Andy’s arm. I stood over the boy, my face glowing with anger, with hatred. I hated- hated that this boy had taken my allies arm, I hate wanted nothing more than to end his pathetic life in that moment. I watch as I loomed over the boy, my knife pressed to his neck. But then I was hit with the reality of what was about to happen… I was about to watch myself kill someone… I was about to watch as I took the life from another person. I remember the hate I had felt, but I also remember the guilt I had felt after I had taken away his life- and I did not want to experience that again. Squeezing my eyes shut, I beg to be somewhere else… But then I open my eyes again and I am not looking at myself with the knife pressed to the boys throat: but myself with my knife pressed to the throat of my sister.





Then again I am back on the muddy ground, my own blood pooling around me, as I grow weaker, as I come closer and closer to the arms of death. I look through the haze of the rain and see Yaa, her blade clutched in her teeth. At first alert fills my body and I fill the urge to ran, the urge to move out the way as he blade flies towards me. But I find that I can’t, I find that I can’t move. My body feels so heavy, so very heavy. I try to lift my arm, but I can’t- it feels like a piece of lead, weighing me down, I can’t move it. Panic starts to surge through me and I try to flail around, I try to move out of the way of Yaa’s incoming blade, but no matter how hard I struggle, no matter how much I will my body to move- it doesn’t. It stays planted on the ground. Gear fills my body- fear so strong. I watch as Yaa moves towards me like an awkward snake, her blade clutched awkwardly in her mouth. Something her eyes scared me even more and I felt something race though my body that made me turn cold. Her eyes were bloodshot and bludging- she looked like a mad woman in a way…

But under all the fear I felt regret, I felt pity. I feel pity for her. She never used to be this girl. She never used to be this way- she used to be cheeky, fun and generally happy. But now? Now she was like a monster, fallen way too far into a place where I cannot fish her out. Her blade strokes me and I give a squeal of pain. I couldn’t fight her anymore. I just couldn’t I was tired, I could barely breathe. I could feel the last of my life, of my energy slide away from me. But I wasn’t ready to leave, not just yet. I pull my eyes towards Yaa and give her a weak smile. I must seem like a clown, like a boy who at one moment was in pain, then the next a joker… but the smile that spread to my lips were genuine- so genuine that it even surprised me.

It wasn’t until this moment- this very moment that I realised that I was ready. That I was ready to face the unknown. I look at Yaa and I realise that I must look very similar. Butchered and battered- insane even. I didn’t want to be remember as the boy who was insane, as the boy who was unstable. But the boy from six. The one who had only scored a three in training- but made it to the final three. I wanted to be remember as the boy who was strong, who was determined who was loyal… But I knew, I knew that goal was far gone. I had destroyed it. In the few days that I had been locked up in this arena, I have turned into this boy- this person- that I don’t even recognise. I am not Mikhail Ivashkov, the boy who was string, the boy who was cocky and sharp tongue, the boy who was sane. But I was not that boy. I was not Mikhail Ivashkov anymore. I was a stranger trapped inside the body of Mikhail Ivashkov. I was a boy who was broken, who was insane, and who had lost his mind. I was a boy who was instable, who was unpredictable- who was a killer. I was not the boy who I had wanted to be. My eyes lock with Yaa and I wander if she feels the same, I wander if she feels like she has lost the real Yaa.

Let the sky fall (let the sky fall)
When it crumbles (when it crumbles)
We will stand tall (we will stand tall)
Face it all together

Maybe I had gone too far with Yaa… Maybe it was my fault that she was not the girl she came into the arena as… after all, I had not been for her, I had not been a reliable ally, and then I killed someone she cared about- right in front of her face… Maybe it was my entire fault, all my fault that she now was this girl who was harsh, who was ready to kill the last tribute to win without a moment’s hesitation. Maybe if I hadn’t of pushed her to far… but honestly- what did I really expect when we were in this game to kill each other.

I look up just in time to see Yaa walk away, her bloodied sump cradled at her wrist. I didn’t want her to leave- no matter the hatred I had felt for her earlier… she was still another person, a person who I had once thought of as a friendly face. But most of all, I didn’t want to be on my own. I didn’t want to be on my own when I took that finally breathe. “Yaa, please, please don’t leave me.” I call out to her- knowing that my pleas would be ignored. “Yaa please. I’m scared, I don’t want to be on my own. Yaa… please.” My voice is no louder that I wiper- impossible to hear over the pounding of the rain. Then I remember Sierra and her jar of wishes. forgiveness that is what I had wished for.

Forgiveness. What a stupid wish- what a worthless stupid wish. How could a killer never be forgiven. A boy who took another’s life was a boy who was unable to be forgiven. I would never be forgiven- not by the people I have killed, not by Yaa, or Andy, or Mum, or Dad or my sister. I was a boy, I was Mikhail Ivashkov, and I was a boy who could not be forgiven. No matter how much I wanted, not matter how much I feared rejection- to be forgiven you had to atone for mistakes. What had I atoned for? Nothing. I was a useless scrap of meat that did not deserve to live anymore…I guess that was one thing that was right. I was dying, I was dying full of so much guilt, of sin that I was begining rotting away on the inside.

to be forgiven you had to deserve it.

Where you go I go
What you see I see
I know I'd never be me
Without the security
Of your loving arms
Keeping me from harm
Put your hand in my hand
And we'll stand

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Slowly the light around me began to fade, slowly everything around me began to move in slow motion. I drop my head, and close my eyes, not able to keep them open a moment longer. But as I die, as I finally leave this world for good, I let the thoughts of forgiveness of guilt of sin to slip from my mind. I let everything fall from my mind, letting the darkness take me away. I was as terrified, terrified of where this darkness would lead me- so scared… but I knew there was no way to stop the heavy darkness that filled my limbs, climbing up my legs, though my arms, through my torso. The pain numbed until I could feel nothing, until I could hear nothing apart from my steady breathing that was slowly becoming weaker and weaker. What- who will I meet? Will I see Andy again? Will he meet me on the other side? If so I was ready. I was ready to see him again, him and my mother, and my sister and father. I was ready, I was ready to face them.

One last breathe slips from the boys lips, and then nothing. Only the pounding of the rain can be heard. You stare down at him, down at his still body and you feel your heart tear in two. You knew the time would have come, but you hadn’t expected it to come so soon. You had wanted to watch him grow; turn into that man you knew was hiding in there somewhere. But you couldn’t he was dead now, hi body as still as a rock. It hurt you to see him to butchered and bruised… but somewhere deep inside you felt something warm spread through your veins. Finally- after months- you would finally get to see your brother again, after all he had been through you would finally get to throw your arms around his neck, to comfort him- to take care of him. You take one last look at the boys still body and mixed emotions filled you, turning away you leave to meet the boy halfway.

Let the sky fall
We will stand tall
At skyfall
Oh

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