You’re takin every beat from my heart (Sampson)

After my experience with runaway ghosts and empty yelling, I found myself feeling entirely alone. The people departed from the domain of my very surprising surprise party and then, I was one. Sampson must have scampered home, scarred emotionally beyond repair because of our dead big brother somehow making an appearance as a VIP of the party. Maybe he forgot to RSVP? That's why we never he was coming. Benat was always forgetful about that kind of stuff, so it did make some kind of sense, if anything about that day had made any sense at all. How does a dead person showing up to a party for the living make any sense at all? The answer to that question is that it doesn't. I'm still trying to figure out everything that happened that day, but for now, it's a blur of horrible things.

Perhaps that's why I find myself drawn to the clarity of the night sky. The stars, with their seemingly random display, always seemed so organized to me. It might seem a little odd, considering just how boundless the night sky was, but I swore one could find the same star every night in the same place if they looked hard enough. There had to be some kind of order, some type of structure, or else wouldn't they all come falling down eventually? I had to believe something kept them all so beautifully intact.

I just didn't have to believe that Benat was up there among them anymore. In one night, a single face had killed the only form of religion I had ever actually believed in. If there had been something beyond death, it had lived in Benat's stars. That's another reason I'm going to the same hill where I met with Asha not long before I saw Benat walking again. I'm hoping that being there, sitting there again, might resuscitate my faith. There's also the stupid, foolish hope that I'll revive my fading relationship with Asha there. I'm naive for thinking she'll be there, mindless for believing that the luck that kept bringing us together before will do it yet again.

I'm so stuck on how hopeless the whole idea is that when I hear a voice as I near the hill, I think it's my own, even when I haven't said a word the entire trip. "Why did you bring him to me if you just wanted to take him away? It’s not fair." the voice clearly doesn't belong to me, but I'm in denial. Because if the words aren't mine, and it's someone else sitting up on the hill, my ridiculous hope that Asha is there will only grow. My boots dig into the earth as it slopes up, pushing me up to the peak faster and faster.

I see her hair first. There's a gentle, chilly breeze that lingers with the oncoming fall playing with the locks of gentle brown. Her being there, sitting there talking to who I can only guess is my Benat, means that nothing about our relationship is luck. There is no chance causing our paths to collide. It is fate. The stars have somehow bound our paths together and now, I am almost positive the girl couldn't drop out of my life even if she tried. I really hope she wouldn't try but the fear I had of it before doesn't seem so strong. She speaks again and I freeze, unable to make my way to her side until she's done, "I just wanted something…someone…I just didn’t want to be alone anymore…and he understood. Why would you do it?"

"I wouldn't waste your breath," my words are shaky. Oh ripred she must hate me."I'm pretty sure Benat isn't up there, not after what I saw," I sound so pathetic. But what do I say, besides how sorry I am? There's no way to explain what happened that night, no way to justify what I did or said. That night was the most wonderful and terrible thing that has happened to me since the 63rd Hunger Games. Would she understand that? Would she understand the joy and terror I felt at seeing my brother's face again? Would she accept that hearing Sampson scream like that, while I was busy kissing her, reminded me about everything my brother's Games? That was why I saw Elodie, like she was just a distraction, a seductress bent on buying Ivy enough time to get my last brother. I can't put any of that into words so I sit down beside her with my knees pulled up to my chest and say, "I'm sorry," like it will make any difference to the girl whose heart I held so carefully and broke so recklessly in just one night.

The present Asha gave me the other night burns in my pocket. It radiates the heat of disappointment and humiliation through the thin layer of fabric that makes up my pair of old jeans. Fall's chilly touch no longer reaches me; all I feel is the small tie tack smoldering like a fiery coal. I know it's only heated in my mind, mainly because I feel so guilty for ruining that perfect night and wrecking the natural easiness between me and Asha. Even though I know the truth, I still have to pull it from my pocket just to make sure the little thing really isn't melting into my flesh.

I'm almost afraid to bring the present out into the light, to make it so vulnerable in the open air. What if Asha, in her rage and bitter betrayal, snatches it from my hands and I never get it back? The idea of losing the compass tie tack for good seems unfathomable. It is a gift that means more to me than I can ever explain, even if there are some bad memories attached to it with Benat's copycat and my foolishness. But I can get over the bad. Everything else about the trinket makes my heart beat faster. As I sit there beside Asha, hoping she won't find some corner of her heart to lock me away in where I will no longer be a bother, I cling to the tie tack with a pale fist.

"I’d never hurt you…or Sampson," she whispers so low that I turn my ear towards her. The words fill me with such a sudden anger, I can't stop my reply from sounding unnecessarily harsh.
"You think I don't know that?!" I'm staring at her downturned face, my eyes hoping to convey the message of how I am the one who messed up. She shouldn't be saying anything like that, but I shouldn't be talking the way I am either. My irrational temper isn't going to help anyone in this situation.

After slipping the tie tack back into my pocket, I let my hands rub across my face as I let out both an irritated and exasperated sigh. It will be impossible to explain what happened that night or how I feel right now, but I have to try. I can't let this one thing ruin the beautiful thing I have with Asha. "I shouldn't have reacted that way," my words are controlled, careful even. I want to be precise about managing the way they are presented. There's absolutely no use in being angry with Asha, even if how helplessness I'm feeling about conveying my emotions is beyond irritating. Besides, being upset with Asha will only hurt her more and I don't want that. "It's just... I... Sampson is all I've got," I run my hands through my bangs as I let out another flustered sigh. I've never been so tongue-tied before. "I can't stop looking over my shoulder or watching his back," my eyes are now locked on my fingers, which are occupied with pulling up lumps of grass, "I'm so afraid of losing him."

It's hard to admit, how scared I actually am. Before Benat died, I used to have this irrational fear of the dark. It was the only thing that I could find legitimate distress over. Now, I laugh about having such a useless, foolish fear. Now, my nightmares are filled with the idea of losing Sampson and being left entirely alone. It's a new fear, but a good one. It's one I can focus on to make sure it never comes true. I don't know if Asha will understand how prominent the terror of losing my little brother is in my life, considering how awful her family is to her, but I decide it doesn't matter. She just has to know that fear is what compelled me to ruin our night and possibly us. She has to know that such a fear was powerful enough to make me blind to consequences. That night, I couldn't process anything that didn't have something to do with keeping Sampson alive.