on the outside looking in || Axel

How many people can say they have survived a boating accident, an attempted escape from the confines of District 4, or even a broken heart. I can say that I've survived all three of those attempts to tear me down, that each time I rise up from the ashes of defeat stonger and more capable of dealing with things. I can't say there are no scars left over from those events, the boating accident left me with a long jagged scar clearly visible for all to look upon. Running away from the district and getting captured again left me with more of a mental scar, a nightmare that haunted me while I slept...the screams of the girl I had run away with. I had believed the girl to be dead for the longest time and when I found out she was alive I felt like at least one nightmare could end. Then she did die, she died in my arms as she whispered to me that it wasn't my fault, she didn't blame me for the wounds that had been inflicted upon her...even if they had been my fault.

There was a reason I was still here, that I had made it through all of that relatively unscathed. I think that the reason was infact...a person...a girl by the name of Araminta Chaffee. I had met her not long after my friend had died, she had been walking home from one of the training facilities all bruised and bloody. At the time it hadn't made any sense to me how someone could look so much like an angel and be bruised and bloody. In my infinite stupidity and inability to properly judge someone I walked up to her and greeted her, only to have her swing one of her bloody fists at my face. Lucky for me she was already tired from her fight and I was faster and stronger than her otherwise I would have ended up with a broken nose. She had a lot of fight in her for someone who looked like she could pass for the walking dead, and I gave her a lot of credit for it. Looking past her glares and constant struggles I cleaned her up as best as I could that day, marking the beginning of a tentative relationship.

We've had our ups and downs so far, her rough and ready exterior bellying a much sweeter girl. It was sort of like an oyster, almost impossible to crack and get inside, but once you do you find a beautiful pearl. I still knew precious little about her life, all of the important details had elluded me to this point, but I felt like we were friends...I hoped that we were friends. It was hard to tell with her, her attitudes were generally the same no matter what her mood was, and I couldn't tell if she was just humoring me most of the time. I didn't let it deter me though, I took time out of my schedule every day to hang out with her, and just...I don't know make her feel accepted, like she wasn't alone. That's why today I had gotten off my shift on the docks early. I had caught wind of a rumor going around that a girl had gotten into a fight with a much bigger boy and walked away with what appeared to be a broken nose. Of course like most rumors it had several imbellishments to it, so by the time I heard of it the girls nose was broken along with one of her arms and ribs.

Despite the fact that I knew most of it wasn't true I had a feeling there was a layer of truth to what was being said. If there was one thing I knew about Araminta it was that she never knew when to back away from a fight, and that meant even while the fight was going on. I left the docks quickly, stopping only to ask if any of the fishermen knew where the fight had taken place and which direction those involved had walked in. Unsatisfied by all the answers I got from them I broke away from the group and began to wander around hoping to catch sight of Araminta. Several twists, turns, and questions later I was no closer to finding her, infact I was beginning to feel lost in a district that had been my home for seventeen years. Finally I heard someone saying that they had seen her blazing a trail through the alleyways, and that's all it took for me to hit the trail again in search of her.

At last I finally found her just outside of the city, laying on her back with a bloody t-shirt in her hand. Silently I walked over to her, pulled off my own shirt, and sat down beside her. Laying back beside her I propped up my head with one hand and used the other to dab the edge of my shirt against her nose. "You know Araminta, you probably would be able to make more friends if you didn't let your fists do the talking, or for that matter if you actually seemed more approachable. I can't be your only friend for the rest of your life you know." I know I shouldn't but I let a small grin creep across my face because imagining Araminta as a sweet, polite girl wasn't something I could do. Satisfied that I had cleaned enough blood off her face I leaned back and stared up at the sky waiting for her inevitable tongue lashing that would come from my presence here...just another thing about our friendship that I loved.

As was her answer every single time I would bring up her lack of friends she would simply mention I had to many friends. It wasn't true, infact I had very few friends myself, there was a significant difference between knowing a bunch of people and actually having friends. I could probably name all my real friends on one hand, and even some of them weren't exactly the type of friend you would have a friendly conversation with. Actually there is one of those friends that I felt like I could talk to, Araminta. Our friendship wasn't exactly the conventional kind, but it was special in its own way simply because we tolerated each other's quirks. Just like her mentioning that I was to nice for my own good, the joke was on her, I was really only nice to her.

Okay, so that wasn't entirely true, I was generally a good natured guy who sometimes could be accused of having not a care in the world. Truth be told I had way to many problems in my life to count, at least for someone as young as me. Most of it was my own fault, the Peacekeepers twisted method of punishing me for running away, but there were some things that weren't my fault. Like taking care of a scar on my back that is prone to infection, my family kicking me out of my house, living with the guilt of knowing I was the reason that someone I loved died. Part of me was jealous of how Araminta chose to deal with her problems, with a fist swinging and a defiant glare at whoever or whatever the offending thing is.

It was a quality that I admired, and yet at the same time wished she would put an end to. One day she'd just pick a fight with someone who was far stronger than her and I wouldn't be able to mend those wounds. I looked her over as she listed off the results of her latest fight, and couldn't help but shake my head in exasperation. There was some feeling that I couldn't describe whenever she told me about her fights, something that made me feel sick to my stomach. One day that pretty little face of hers would end up crunched by some brute of a Career and she wouldn't be able to walk away from that fight as easily as she did with todays. On top of that I wasn't always going to be there to patch her up and mend her wounds so she'll be ready for her next fight.

"You really need to stop picking fights like that Araminta, one day you're going to get hit hard enough where you won't be getting back up. There is something about getting off of my shift and hearing stories about some bloodied up girl wandering the streets of District 4 that worries me." Moving closer to her I slid my arm behind her head so it rested against the muscle on my arm. "I worry about you Minty, I just imagine one day you'll have an injury that I won't be able to handle." To emphasize my point I called her by the pet name that I had called her once before. It was a little something that I hoped would catch on, but in reality the name was probably a bit to...weak sounding for her. It was for that reason that I had called her that, maybe hoping she might be just a little more...well...weak.

I knew that she would defend her lifestyle, we'd had this conversation several times before. Every time she gave me the same story, I could probably mouth every word of this speech right now if I had half a mind to, but I knew that Araminta truly believed that was how it had to be. Little did she know that there were other ways of getting around your regrets and pains, that you didn't have to fill your life with hate and violence. I had learned that sometimes all it took to put the past behind you was to love or be loved. It had happened to me once before...when I had run away from the district...then I had lost her and felt like my life couldn't go on. Then I found someone else, someone who may infact need someone to care for them more than I did. At first I just used this person as a distraction, but...eventually I did begin to care about her...about Araminta.

Something she said troubled me though, about how she would finally realize what I was saying when she found herself unable to get back up from a fight. I wanted her to learn her lesson before then, before something terrible happened to her. The truth of the matter is that I care about her, I care about Minty, she was like a lost soul, so much like I was once upon a time. There was an under current of feelings for her that I could not explain, a feeling I got when she gave me one of her rare smiles or the way her eyes would sparkle when she saw something that made her happy. I never acted on them though, how could I when the largest part of me felt that she was no more then a friend to me. Instead I let those feelings remain hidden, buried deep within my heart waiting for the day when I may act upon them.

"Minty, you have to know that I'm not going to let it get that far don't you. Even if it means losing my job I'm going to stop you from getting into fights you can't handle. Even today's fight...I should have been there to break it up. Look Minty, I'm not always going to be around to help you out after a fight to tend to your bruises or mend up your injuries. Just promise me you'll be more carefull next time okay, I'm not always going to be here to help you, and I don't know what I would do if I lost you." It was the truth, maybe not the whole truth, but it got part of my feelings known to her. She needed to know that there was at least one person in District 4 that still cared about her. She says that I'm the only person here that cares and maybe that's so...but I care about her enough where everyone else doesn't matter.

I turned onto my side to look at her and curled my arm around her pulling her into a hug. Despite her gruff exterior and anger...all she really wanted was to be loved and cared for just like anyone else. She had everything taken from her just like me, and she was suffering silently like me, the only difference was I didn't have someone to help me through it all. I was determined to be here for her though and help her in any way I could. Unknown feelings or not I would help her out because I cared for her more then she could ever know. "If you won't stop fighting then at least pick on people your own size, or preferrably smaller so I don't have to worry as much." I leaned into her and kissed her forehead gently before turning back over to look back up into the sky, allowing myself a small smile before I calmed my features and returned to my normal calm demeanor.

In responce to my questions and attempts to get her to quit her fighting ways she proposed another option. It wasn't exactly something that made me feel any better, because it still resulted in her fighting, but there was something comforting about it, a feeling that she did appreciate me being around. There was a feeling in my heart that I thought had died with my friend upon my return to life in the district, a feeling of compassion...a feeling that was foreign and hard for me to make sense of. I cared about Araminta, otherwise I wouldn't make the effort to take care of her, but were my feelings for her anything beyond being a friend. No, I couldn't compromise things like that, we were just friends, just really good friends. Besides, I wasn't sure if I was ready to be in another relationship...not with the death of my friend still fresh in my mind.

After the kiss on her forehead though I was rewarded with a slap on the stomach, and a laugh, a genuine laugh from her. My own deep laughter joined hers for a few seconds before she became serious and told me that if I ever had anything I wanted to talk about that she would be there for me. Those fine lines between friend...and something more...were becoming increasingly more blurred and impossible to make out. I couldn't admit that I may have feelings for her though, that the reason I wanted her to stop fighting was because I was worried I would lose her. I had already lost so much in my life, and to lose her might wind up being that final straw that broke me down completely. I could barely admit the feelings I was feeling to myself, telling her about them was more then I could manage. Yet, the way she presented the statement to me almost made me comfortable enough to tell her...almost.

"In response to your earlier statement...I'll always be here to clean up and tend to your wounds Araminta...and...and knowing you'll never leave me if I am...that means a lot to me. You have no idea how much that means to me actually." The temptation to kiss her was so strong right now that I had to close my eyes and look away from her in an attempt to purge my mind of those thoughts. It was still there though, lingering in the back of my mind, that need to see if my feelings for her meant something. Satisfied that I had enough control to look at her again I responded to her final statement to me before falling silent. "I'll keep that in mind Minty, how long did it take you to think of that, usually you aren't so deep" I winked mischievously at her and turned over so I could look at her more clearly.

Of course this presented its share of problems to me...while I got to see her clearer I felt that nagging urge to kiss her again. I couldn't though, I couldn't do it...I would wait for her to make the first move...if she even had any feelings for me it would be better for her to make the first move. Tapping her nose with my finger I smiled at her trying hard not to let my eyes wander to her lips. "I'd still prefer that you didn't fight anymore you know, otherwise I may have to pay a visit to the training facility myself and take out anyone you may pick a fight with. I think you know I'm more then capable of doing that. I don't fight much anymore, but I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve...or hidden in my biceps as the case me be right now." Humor mixed with a promise...classic...and very stupid, sometimes it is better for me just to keep my mouth shut.

Unlike most people in my life, the people who weren't truly my friends, I knew that Araminta listened to me, a part of me knew that she cared about what I had to say. That's why I knew she would take what I was telling her seriously, that even if she played off of her gruff exterior she really did care, and she really would listen. To be honest, if you had told either of us that we would have even so much as a tentative friendship we probably would have laughed at you. Now though it doesn't seem so strange, infact somewhere in the back of my head I felt like there was more to our friendship, another layer of feelings that neither of us were ready to admit to each other.

Before I could really about it that much I became aware of her twisting my humor around on me and telling me that she had bigger biceps than me. Of course we both knew that there was no way her biceps could ever match mine, not while I did all the work I did. It was nice to know that she still had her sense of humor though, that she was capable of joking around, even if she only seemed to do it with me. She proceeded to say that if we paired up with each other we could be quite the pair, and I couldn't help but wonder if there was some sort of implication in that statement. Perhaps I was being too presumptous though, maybe I shouldn't read into what she was saying so much. I couldn't help but wonder though...if she was implying something to me. Maybe it was impulse, maybe it was a freak moment, but I sat up again and without so much as a second thought pressed my lips into hers.

It was only a brief kiss, infact it could hardly qualify as a kiss in reality, but it was making the first move I suppose. The feeling I got from kissing her, as brief as it was, was a feeling that I had always equated with love, a feeling previously reserved by a girl I had loved and cared for deeply. Why though, why was Araminta so easily able to make that feeling flow through me again. I felt even more confused now than I had before I had kissed her. Strange how not kissing her left so many question, but kissing her left even more questions. Most of them asking what had possessed me to kiss her, did she like it, was I the only one who had wanted to kiss at that moment? I bit down hard on my lip, confident that I had drawn blood, considering the possibilities and results of what I had done. I suppose in a way our friendship was being put to the test, if everything we had told each other was infact true.

"So...Araminta...I thought...when you said we could be a good pair, I thought that meant...I wondered if there was some implications. I would understand if you don't want to be in that kind of relationship though, I mean, I don't think either of us planned on that kind of relationship when we became friends." There was a two fold purpose to my statement, one I myself was afraid of the idea of that kind of relationship with her. Two, it would be a way out for her if she wasn't ready or unwilling to be in a relationship with me. As much as we said we knew each other, you never really knew someone until you entered that kind of relationship where you spent an increasing amount of time with that person. We may not even like each other should we attempt that kind of relationship.