Situations // Kiah

s o n j a arcopello.

Come on Sonja, let’s go for a walk. Come on now, up to the top floor, no don’t stop here Sonja… we need to go to the top, the very top. The place where you will feel the wind flow through your long hair, the place where you will let your body fall, let gravity take over… Come on now Sonja, to the top, the very top. My feet moved on their own, taking my body through the white hallways of my home. Home. I didn’t really know if I should call this place home, it was a hospital, the place where the sick, where the dying or where the hurt come to get better. But this place, this place is where I have spent most my life, I have grown up in these hallways, walked them for as long as I can remember. This hospital was my home, my place of sanctuary.

Come on now Sonja, just take another step. That’s right, good girl, yes, see you can do this. Follow my voice, it will lead the way, we will be safe soon, falling into the arms of God. Yes. I would be safe soon, in the arms of God. I just needed to make it to the top floor. My body moved almost as though I was a robot, taking each step nice and slow towards the stairs that would lead me to my destination. I didn’t know why I was going to the top floor, all I knew is that this is what I wanted, to go to the top floor and fall into his arms, to be safe, to be safe and warm, away from this place. Safe and warm in the arms of God. Safe. Warm.

It takes me a while, but I finally reach the stairs, my hand reaches out for the rail, which I hold tightly. The metal was cool against my soft skin, but I didn’t mind, I welcomed it actually. I welcomed the way the metal felt so hard, so solid and stable, it contrasted so much with my body, my human body- which was weak, fragile and prone to sickness and death. I was not like that pole, that strong sturdy pole of steel. I was weak, breakable. That’s right Sonja, you are breakable, and soon, you will be broken, in tiny pieces on the ground, blood and matter. But don’t worry my child; it won’t hurt, not for long, okay? Hey now, don’t be scared, there’s nothing to fear, I’ll take care of you. You-you just have to believe. That right, sweetie, to the very top.

To the top. Okay. I could do that. To the top. Trust. I had to trust that I would be safe. I had to trust that it wouldn’t hurt. I had to trust. That’s all. Trust. I could do that. Taking a deep breath I climb the flight of stairs, one foot moving after the other, a symmetrical pattern, a routine. One step. Two step. Three step. Four step. And so on, until I reached the top. I didn’t stop there, I kept moving, pushing my body forward. One step, two step, three step, four step… and on and on I went. The white lights of the hallway bounced around me, making me seem so small, so insignificant, but I tried not to let that bother me. I was not insignificant. I was something, something important, something that mattered, I was. I was not an ant in this hospital, no, I was not. Ants were forgettable, they didn’t matter, me? I did. I have lived here for years, each day I am seen by a nurse, and a doctor, and each day I am told that I am important, that my life was important. That’s why I had to do this, that why I had to fall into the arms of God, let him take me away, cause I was important, I meant something. My life was something.

That’s right Sonja, you are important, you were chosen. Chosen by the Gods. You are nearly there, nearly ready to complete the mission that you have been tasked. Think of the wind rushing through your hair, or the way it will wrap its arms around your body, holding you as you fall. Just think, create an image, come one now, you can do this. Think Sonja. Think. You are chosen. You are special. I am special. I form an image of me standing of the edge of the building, I imagine the wind wrapping its arms around my body, holding me tight. I image the rush of air, the whistle of wind, and then I am falling. actually falling. My knees hit the ground first, then my hands, my face following a few moments later. Okay, maybe I had taken the imagery too far, I scold myself, getting back onto my feet, “Sonja? Sonja what are you doing up here? Were- were you heading to the roof? Sonja, not again!” Her voice is soft as she wanders over to me, wrapping me in her arms. Ruby. The person who has always been there for me. The person who I can only see. “You have to beat it, Sonja, you have to fight the thoughts! Otherwise you are going to get yourself killed!” Her voice is laced with worry as she pulls me to my feet.

I look into her eyes, and know that I had lost. The voices had beaten me. They had told me to jump off the edge of this six story tall building. And I was going to do it; I had believed that I was special, that if I jumped I was doing it because I was chosen… it had all just been a cruel game of my imagination. “I am sorry, Ruby… I had believed it, you know? Really thought that what I was about to do was going to be good for me… I can’t fight it… I am too weak.” I say finally, turning my face away from the girl who was my life, who I could tell anything too.

“Yes. Yes you can,” was all she said before fading away into nothing before my eyes. But could I? Could I beat the voices inside me head? Yes I-

The sound of someone screaming- screaming for attention made my thoughts stop mid-sentence. I look up, my eyes searching the area. I was in the burns department. Taking one more look around I realised that no one was going to help the person who was calling out. With a shrug I moved off towards the sound of the voice that grew ever so loud. Finally I reach the howling voice, and I was surprised to see a girl around my age perched on the edge of her bed, her hands wrapped up in white. She looked like she had oven mitts on and I suppress a burst of laughter. She looked like she was ready to reach into the oven and pull out a tray of baked goodies. Well her hands did anyway. Her face? Her face was another story. It was screwed up, in mid howl.

“Hey, hey, wait, please don’t scream again. I hurts my ears, what are you? Some dying animal?” As soon as the words feel from my lips I knew I had been a tad harsh. Opps. I have never really been one to use harsh words. “Ugh, sorry. What’s wrong? Are you okay? From the racket your making, anyone would think you’re about to die,” I try to joke, a small burst of laughter slipping from my lips.

s o n j a arcopello.

My laughter doesn’t last long though. I had expected the bandaged covered hand girl would laugh along with me. But she didn’t She gave me a look that made my laughter die as it reached my lips. Awkwardly I look away from the girl and at my hands which were ringing around each other nervously. I have never been that girl who could interact with other human being fluently. I have always found it that bit more difficult talking to others. I was a great listener though, listening to other when no one else would listen was something that I took pride in. I liked to listen to the stories that people in my ward had to tell. I loved to see the way their faces changed as they surfed through memories that were dull to memories that made them smile like they hadn’t smiled in years, It was beautiful, fascinating but very beautiful. The stories that I heard were stories that sometimes hit me hard, stories that I could relate too- that’s when I really would be able to have a deep and meaningful with the person who I was listening to. But me, trying to find the right words to sooth a broken soul, one that I could not even relate to? That I struggled with. I struggle to find the right words, the words that would sooth the patient, which would numb the pain that radiated within them.

Hastily pull my gaze away from my ringing fingers my eyes connecting with the blonde girls once again. The girl inclines her head politely- in a way of a handshake I guess. I smile back at her, a little, letting the corners of my mouth turn up at the corners as I wander slowly into the room. Her voice is friendly as she greets me. But then suddenly she is waving her hands around dramatically, telling me that she could have died. A frown slips onto my face my smile slipping away. She could have died? How? It seemed to me that her hands were the only injured part of her body, from as far as I could tell.

But I didn’t have to wait long for my question to be answered. The girl didn’t even wait for me to respond before she continued on with the conversation, “…You see, my hands are kind of not working right now. That being said, I am finding it hard to grab that sandwich over there." The girl’s eyes travel over to the sandwich that sat on the table beside her bed. There was something that flashed in her eyes that I had barely enough time to try and register: longing? Desire? Something inside me made me smile at the girl’s compassion for the sandwich on the table. She reminded me of my sister who had died when I was younger. My sister would walk past the kitchen, only to pause at the site of some fresh bread that had been baked, something that had rarely happened. Because she had only been short, she couldn’t reach the counter and she would try anything- and I mean anything- to try and get that bread down to here level so that she could have a taste of it. I caught her once and her facial expression when she turned around was a cross between undying desire and embarrassment.

My thoughts of my sister die as the voice of the girl filters through my mind, “so, I was hoping that someone could, you know. Feed me." I give the girl an odd look. Never before has someone asked me to feed them before- even though this was a hospital and many odd things happened here, I was not a nurse, and therefore I never really interacted with the people outside of my ward. It was not like I didn’t want to talk to them and more like the nurses would not allow me to talk with them. After all I was in the permanent ward for a reason and the nurses didn’t really feel that it was safe for me- or the other citizens who visited the hospital. Taking a quick glance over my shoulder I move closer to the girl- the girl who was now revealed to be called Maye.

“Hey Maye- I'm Sonja- sorry about before, I didn’t mean to offend you or anything,” my voice is polite as I move to take a seat at the bed which sat a few feet away from Mayes. My eyes travel over to the sandwich that sat on the table beside her and my stomach growled. How long had it been since I had last eaten? Go on Sonja. Eat the sandwich, you know you want to. A voice, not my own or Mayes, slides into my thoughts and I freeze. Ha that’s right Sonja, I am back. Now eat it. Eat it all, in front of this girl. Eat it slowly, savour the taste of that beautiful bread in your mouth, filling your hungry stomach. Just reach out and feel the soft spongy bread in your fingers. I try to fight the voice, remembering what Ruby had said. I was strong. Stronger than the voice that played endlessly through my thoughts I was stronger. Where’s Ruby? She sot coming, not this time. You are mine for a while. Pick up the sandwich.