{maria lehot}{d9}{FIN}

Curious sapphire eyes blink at you softly. The shade is shocking, almost inhumane in a way. But they aren't frightening. But you have to get over a wave brightness, and they almost have a relaxing aura in them. The brilliant blue orbs seem to have a certain bounce to them, aflame with life and vigor. There was no hesitation or shyness. They seem almost eager to meet you, to make a new friend. The blue sky irises reflected an outgoing soul, not afraid of anything. Someone who will keep on moving, even if whispers of doubt catch in her ears. You can't tell why. Perhaps she overcame something and is ready to overcome it again. Perhaps she was just born that way. Her cracked lips show thirst as the open. "Hi," she says brightly. It matches the look in her eyes and the pleasantness of her face. You smile slightly. This girl was a different. A nice different. She looks at you confidently, even though she's small. 5'3", maybe. Her frame looks delicate yet firm, fast and agile yet not powerful. Her skin is pale, a healthy glow reflecting off of it. Her fingers, fragile and soft, wrap around the bead necklace that wraps around her neck. But she never breaks eye contact.

Her shakes her head suddenly, her eyes in a rushed spasm of opening and closing firmly. You stare at her, concerned. A small frown replaces your smirk. What did she just do? Why did she do it? The questions fill your mind. You purse your lips, about to ask her. But her lips curve into a small smile again, as if nothing had happened. Maybe it was just a figment of your imagination, her face tells you. Just forget it. But it's hard to. You usually never saw something like that except for in hyper active kids. But she didn't seem like that. She didn't act like that before. Her eyes flitted down to the ground, sensing your discomfort. She hugged one arm to her side, as if not to let it touch you. It gave you a heavy feeling of guilt. It made you feel like you singled her out. She dared to look up again once more. You see a small question in the orbs. Do you accept me? Am I ok? Or are you going to leave? You feel a tingling of pity and guilt once more. You smile in response, but it doesn't register on her face. There's a small silence, only to be broken by soft birdsong. The happiness then finally returns to her face, with the same freshness of before. You let out a breath you didn't even know you were holding. You realize you don't want to do anything hurtful to this girl. She oozed some kind of innocence.

A small chirp is generated from nowhere. It had to be from somewhere, though. It sounded so close. And you realize the odd sound came from the girl standing in front of you. You keep the expression of alarm from your eyes. Nothing has changed from her face, but some look of gratitude appears on her. Saying thank you. You almost open your mouth and let 'your welcome' pass through your lips. But you say it in you broadened smile. And so the silent conversation continues. She shivers violently and you flinch a little. It wasn't cold out. There weren't any clouds covering the sun. You guess these actions are just a part of her. They cannot be changed. Then the next thing she does is surprising. "Cheese!" she squeaks. You raise an eyebrow. Was this an act? Or can she actually not control it? She giggles a little. "Sorry. Grass! Gah, there it is again." she laughs a little. Even though it seemed like she was smiling it off, you could see the sincere look in her eyes. She stares at you, as if she just told you a joke and you didn't get it. She brushes her raven hair out of her round face. The color locks fall to her shoulders, tangled and full of frizz. She shrugs for no reason. "Sorry if I'm-" she let out a small hiccup. "Creeping you out with my condition."

••••

I know it's hard, know it's hard
To remember sometimes
But you gotta keep your head
And you can let your hair down

••••

Condition? It's the question pops in your mind after she says it. And then the answer comes to you. Of course. The shakes. The rapid, firm blinks. The odd noises. The random outburst of words. The shrugging of the shoulders. Now it doesn't matter to you anymore. It doesn't bother you. It's not meant to be annoying. It's just a condition. Nothing else. You nod slowly, showing you understand. Mari doesn't like to be noticed for her tics. Especially after being bullied for it at school. She tries not to let it bother her. But she can never forget the words said or their delighted laughs at every random word she couldn't help but release. She tried to suppress the actions and noises. But everything became clamped and claustrophobic. Like holding in a sneeze or cough. It has to come out some time. And the longer you hold it in, the more irritating and painful it becomes. You can see the spirit in her eyes dampen just for a second. But it brightens again. She hopes you don't notice. But you do. A small frown appears on your face. Why anyone would ever hurt such an innocent girl is beyond you, absolutely mystifying. You weren't going to hurt her. Never.

Mari decides that if she can't be happy for herself, she can at least wear a smile for someone else. So there she is again. Forcing laughter, vacant smiles. Most people can't tell. They can't see the pain of past experiences in her heart. It doesn't show much in her eyes. Sometimes it does in her tics. But no one really cares about them. They think a random choked sound is just part of her syndrome. Sometimes it is. Usually not though. She gets away with it usually. Hiding it keeps others happy and unknowing. Which means no one gets into her feelings and messes her up. But sometimes she wonders if all of the faking is worth the trouble. Maybe she should get help to deal with the bullies. But the final answer is always no. It always has been and it always will be. It's personal. No one else's information. Besides, who really even cares? Mari is out of question. She's telling jokes and giggling. Everyone thinks she's so happy. The most cheerful person in the world with a perfect life. And so they go on without even knowing that she's dying inside. She doesn't want to be an attention seeker, though. Appearing weak and desperate. So she just sucks it up everyday. It builds up on her delicate shoulders. If only someone knew...

Mari is always open minded. She sees the good stuff of the situation, not the bad. She knows nothing can be perfect. She doesn't have expectations, she just waits and sees. Disappointment is a rare expression on her face, and is as uncommon as annoyance. She just rolls with it. She acknowledges that people have their differences and no one can be the way she wants. Everyone has their imperfections and flaws. It's just a matter of life. The soft look in her eyes relaxes you. It seems to whisper to you that you are free to be whoever you want. There's nothing stopping you. Not matter how weird or irritating the true you actually. She has enough patience to deal with it. Just try her. She knows her tics can be odd, so why judge others? It would make her a hypocrite. She would never want to be anything of the sort. Don't expect Mari to be a friend who abandons you because you have problems. She welcomes blemishes with open arms. Because no one ever did it for her. She doesn't want anyone to suffer from being a misfit like her. She befriends people like her. She makes them feel welcome and feel like they belong. She just wishes someone could have done it for her.

Mari is a girl who can ask you any question and not feel shy about it. She is just a girl who wants to know. She seems to always be wondering something, like a young kid who knows nothing. Of course, they're reasonable. Not dumb questions, although there never are any, just ones that she genuinely wants to know. Not same crazy, weird wondering that randomly pops into her head. Sometimes she gets annoying, though, by the amount of questions she asks. She doesn't mean to be. She just wants to know. She isn't fond of the feeling of uncertainty and being lost. She likes to be sure of the way, not doubtful. However, being the patient girl she is, you can tell her to stop. Then, the day after, she'll ask. One would think that she would run out of questions. No, she is quite curious about the world and people around her.

••••

Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again
And it's a circle, circling
Around again, it comes around

••••

"Mari! Stop that, will you?" My sister barks at me. It wasn't fair. I couldn't stop it. I didn't have control. I frown, crossing my arms in defiance. "I-" My throat closed and out it came again, the automatic squeak that was annoying my older kin. "Can't!" I finish the sentence as if nothing happened. She curled her lip into a growl, her teeth gritted with frustration. Her icy blue eyes burned me to the bone, melting my heart and still freezing every heartbeat. And the feared words slipped out of her mouth. "I'm. Telling. Mom." And I tried to tackle her. But her, being a good four years older than me at the time, she pushed through. We raced through the big halls of our big house while my big sister was going to make everything so much bigger than it needed to. My eight year old pulse was fast while my twelve year old enemy was tattling on me. I could hear her complaints through the walls but my mother's voice was only a whisper. I could only hear the slurs of her 's'. She pulled me aside and talked to me. She asked me why and I answered honestly. "Because I can't stop." I can imagine Ali pressing her ear to the door and rolling her eyes. I could see her shadow coming through the crack. She thought she was sneaky. I could see my mother's sweet blue eyes soften. I was young, and I never noticed how worn her face was. Taking care two girls who were locked in a feud since birth was hard enough. Having my father walk away because there were no boys was even harder. "Okay, just try to not do it again." I nod happily and I could sense the disappointment on Ali's face. Somehow, my large house was never large enough for the both of us.

A few weeks from that, I was taken to the doctor's since my noises and tics didn't stop. And he inspected me with kindly movements and said "Uh huh," every ten seconds. As it turns out, I was diagnosed with something called Tourette's Syndrome. It's not really a syndrome. It's completely harmless. It won't affect my health. It's just kind of annoying. It's a condition that causes a person to make repeated, quick movements or sounds that they cannot control. And, much to my disappointment, there was no known cure. Therapy, maybe. But my mother thought I was perfectly fine. She loved me and my tics. I remember after to appointment that night she brushed away the hair out of my face while I lay in bed. "Listen, Mari. Don't you ever change. Because I love you who you are, and nothing will keep me from loving you less." I nodded blankly. She planted a delicate kiss on my forehead and left. What I wish I had said back was "I love you too. I love you to the moon and back."

One day a little toddler was found at our doorstep. We assumed he was two years old. And we couldn't let him simply freeze out in the cold weather of January. So we took him and his fuzzy blankets. I wasn't the youngest anymore. I was seven years older. But I decided I was never going to be mean like Ali. I was going to protect him. As he grew up, my mother could only remark how much Joseph looked like my father. He had big brown eyes and sandy blonde hair and tanned skin and his laugh was so musical. He's so innocent, I love Joey to death. He doesn't like it very much anymore, but I still show it. Because I know one day he's going to be gone, and I want to be there every single step of the way. I love gap between his baby teeth and how he's growing up strong. I'll let no one hurt him and I'll never desert him. And all those time he's trying to be a man and that hard expression on his eight year old face makes me laugh so hard. And then he laughs too and we all smile. But I dread the day when we have to tell him that he isn't ours. I hope he doesn't notice. Because we love him all the same. And every night, I whisper in his ear: "I love you to the moon and back."

So now I live in a wonderfully big house with my devil of a sister and my growing brother. I am fatherless and definitely my mother's favorite. I think you've heard enough about my life now.

••••

But you gotta keep your head up,
And you can let your hair down,
You gotta keep your head up,
And you can let your hair down

••••