{ it's too cold for you here } seal

My feet take me down an empty path, one that, ironically enough, represents who I am. Empty. Alone. Scared. Hungry. Alone. Alone… Alone. The stone, as grey as the isolated walls that seemed to grow- never ending around me- locking me into this path, this path with no future. My eyes search the cold path ahead of me; dirt, grime and scum are painted on the walls, on the road, in my heart, my body, my very being. Just like the walls around me, I was becoming nothing more than someone who will be forgotten, someone who will perish away in the dirt road on some abandoned street.

With a sigh I close my eyes, my head spinning slightly, my knees weak. It takes all I have not to collapse on the ground, dead to this life. I had lost so much over my life, so much over the past few weeks- how much more could my body, could I, take? I didn’t know, but I knew, I knew I was far past breaking point, I was far past the point of believing in hope- there was no hope in this merciless world, none at all. I- everyone- was truly alone, alone to face whatever mother nature, whatever the higher power, deemed reasonable for us mere human beings to face. Once you think of life this way death don’t seem so daunting, in reality, it seems welcoming almost, a pathway that could lead you away from this cruel world and back to a world where life was fair, where everyone was even, where everyone was happy, healthy, not dying, rotting away inside out.

I reach the end of the alley way, and my eyes are hit with a blast of light. I pause for a moment, my hand flying to shield my fatigues eyes. I moan, my hand slightly dipping so that my gaze could slowly, but surely, become accustomed to the sudden change is light. I didn’t know why I was here, but I did know that I had to escape, I had to find a way to leave all my worries behind. I had to find a way to forget about my past, to forget about my condition- my short string of life.

The light danced down upon me from a tall pole. It was like a mini sun, staring down at me from no more than a few meters above me. I pull my eyes away from the harsh- but warm light. This time, instead of the street being empty and abandoned, a few people were milling around the edges, a bottle in their hand, their breath carrying the distinct scent of alcohol. I smile inwards, my eyes watching as a rather drunk girl stumbles into the hands of a rather greedy man. They both get what’s coming for them I think bitterly, as I walk down the street to where the thin crowd gradually became thicker.

It was a bar- a place that I spent little time at, which was of course because of the lack of coins that jingle in my old pockets of my jeans. My hand slips into my jeans pocket, fishing around until my fingers caught the one and only gold coin which had called my pants home for only few days. was this enough? Enough just for one mind numbing drink? I didn’t know, but I knew for sure that just one drink wasn’t going to numb the pain which I called my life. With a small shrug I drop the coin back into my pocket, my hand, instead, closing around the handle that would then lead me onto the next stage of my mission.

The door is flung open, and I take a step in and am instantly hit with a wave of warm air and the string acid smell of ethanol. I take in a deep breath, my already rotting lungs breathing in the foul air. Then I am heading towards the bar, my feet carrying me and my uneven body towards one of the tools. The place was crowded with people, some were drinking, others were talking and more were moping around in dark corners, holding a bottle close to them, eyes glazed over, lost from this world.

I drag my gaze away from the miserable people and find an empty seat where I collapse into, my eyes distant as I let my thoughts takeover for a moment. Then a bottle falls in front of me, one that is half filled with liquid. My eye are instantly alert, my whole body jerking backwards as the boy beside me makes an inaudible sound before grabbing at the bottle. I lean back slightly, giving the boy some room. Then he look at me and I am able to see, though the reflection in his eyes, just how battered and ragged I look. Something in his eyes change, and instead of moving away from me, he hands me the bottle his eyes talking to me. It look like you need this more than me, they seemed to say.

I take one look at the bottle, then at him. His face seems genuine, and something inside me- the more rebellious part of me, speaks first, my hand reaching out and grabbing the bottle before I could even register what I was doing. “Thanks,” before lifting the bottle to my cracked lips and letting the dark liquid slip into my eager mouth. Instantly I am hit with what feels like a ball of raging fire. It slips down my throat leaving a burning trail. I half close my eye lids, and let the burning sensation feel me. “Uh, so much better.” I say more to myself than the boy beside me. Quickly I take another mouthful before handing the bottle back to the boy. “Thanks,” I say more loudly, allowing the corners of my lips tilt slightly in a small smile.