Just {S T O P} for a minute // DELISH DAY 3

Anni's state pains me.

She's clearly in horrible pain as I finally get a glimpse of her from the front. Tears still stained her cheeks and her body shook as if she was cold, despite the fact that it's not even that cold. The gash on her back must be really bad because in this state there's no way Anni can fight -or take care of herself for that matter- and I doubt my ability to be able to fight for the both of us. It's a good thing I suggested we stop when I did because I don't know what I would do if Anni collapsed onto the floor from blood loss. It would take all I could do just to stay there. It's my job to heal her because she helped me when my precious blood was being spilled into the sand slowly but surely. It's only fair, it's only right that I do this.

Anni's clearly pained state is a constant reminder of when I was laying in the beach and slowly dying in the sand. It's mostly just red, red, red and more red. But even amidst all the blood there was Anni's face, caring for me and doing her best to keep me alive. Because that's what friends allies do right? I sigh and crawl on fours so I get behind her. Maybe I should just start a fire after this, the water in my jug can't be safe.

I try not to pay attention to the huge boulders that surround and dwarf us and instead focus on the gaping gash on Anni's back that only seems to show more and more red as time drags on. I've got to stop this, this can't possibly be good. I try to recall what the instructor said to me back in the training centre and I knelt over a wounded dummy that had fake gashes riddling it's body. It looked a bit like me yesterday.

I push down the thoughts of me and return my focus to Anni and her state. "Just relax," I say, trying my best to keep her as calm as possible despite all the blood on her gi and skin. This wound is completely and utterly horrible. The platypus was really going for Anni's blood when it attacked her because it caused so much red and so much pain. I wish I could say it will be okay but I don't want to be a liar. I shake the thoughts out of my head because it will be completely fine, just do what I learned in training. And so I proceed to do my best to close up and clean the wound with the little supplies I have despite how shaky my hand feels.

I must be radiating with unconfidence right now.

I don't even know if I'm hurting her or not, with my hands shaking with fear and nervousness, but there's less and less red so that has to be good right? "I'm not hurting you right?" I ask.Just to be sure. I could never forgive myself if all I did was make Anni's wound worse.

I'd feel like a useless lump.

And then everyone would have the right to judge me.

So just get it right.

At least there's less red now, that's a good sign right? I can only bite my lip and try my best not to screw up as I look at Anni's pained body lying on the ground. I can only see the back of her head, only her messy hair and I'd hate to think what would happen if I saw the pain in her face.Pain, that's probably the best word I can use to describe this place. At least she hasn't passed out or anything, that's a good sign right? At least she's still breathing and her heart continues to beat in her chest. At least neither of us has heard each other canons yet.

My brain keeps on trying to make up positive things that can be taken from this situation. At least we're still alive, at least this is the worst wound she's gotten, at least those mutations weren't poisonous, at least we're safe now. The little positives I'm trying to take from the situation are the only things keeping me completely sane and stopping me from breaking down and giving up. I have no right to give up, I asked for this. My family would never forgive me if I gave up now so early in the games because I made a thousand promises with just those two words. I volunteer.

"I'll stay here as long as you need me to." I say, hopefully she hears me. And that's another promise I've made, because she needs me here. I grab my rucksack and drag it next to me, just in case something attacks us and I need to throw my shurikens at them again. If my count is right I have about nine. Anni stays face down on the hard ground when she lifts her head up and once again my heart enters another frenzies race and my brain asks a million questions. Should she be doing that? Has she seen something? Is something coming towards us? Is she feeling better?

Even as I look into her pained eyes now I can't help but bite my tongue because I feel like I'm not doing enough. Why am I so useless? I can defend my own life but I can't stop my own friend's -or do I still need to use ally?- pain and suffering. I wish I could do something, I wish I could do more because this doesn't feel like enough. But then she starts speaking and already my ears are on edge just so I can hear what she has to say. "“What is going on?” I'm failing to help you because I'm an incompetent fool. "“Why are we even here?” I don't know what's making her like this. I wish I could answer the question that has about a million different answers.

Everything just feels like it's going south. I just need an answer!

But then she continues speaking in her pain filled voice but I wish she would stop because all her voice is doing is tugging at my heart strings. How did it come to this? No, we're both still alive, that's what matters right? “We’re going to be okay, right? We know what we’re doing, don’t we?” And even I don't have it in me to turn my head away when she glares into my eyes. The way she looks at me. As if I'm some sort of God who knows all the answers, as if I'm some sort of leader who knows what he's doing but I'm just a naive fool who saw no other way to survive but to come to a place full of death. Doesn't she understand I'm just as lost and as fucking helpless as she is? Doesn't she understand that right now I wish I was one of those giant boulders because I wouldn't have a damn thing to worry about.

Doesn't she understand that I'm just as clueless, helpless and weak as she is? Doesn't she understand she understand that I'm no hero?

But I can't say it, I can't say I don't have all the answers because it would make the both of us feel broken. But I can't downright lie can I? I need her and she needs me, I may know nothing but with her we can survive. And if I say the words everything is going to be alright I'd by lying and I don't like liars. My mother punished me badly for lying and I haven't lied since so why should I start again now? I can't lie to her, not while looking right in her eyes.

I won't lie, but I will say what I wish was the truth.

"We'll be okay for now, I'll make sure of it," I begin, despite my voice sounding cracked and croaky, I try to sound as sure of myself as possible. "I'm trying Anni, I'm trying my best even though I don't know everything, but I can't do it by myself," and I pause before sighing and continuing on, I, I need you," I say, swallowing despite my throat feeling so tight. "And maybe I don't know everything but it... it just works because I'm with you." I finally finish saying, I don't care how pathetic or dependant it sounds because it's the truth. Funny, I didn't have to lie one bit. I quickly take a quick glance at my guitar pick hanging around my neck like a pendant.

I wish I could play something right now, anything.