is this darkness of the dawn? {teddy oneshot}

It's because I want to help. That's why.

They don't let me, they say I'm too young but I'm fifteen years old and I can do stuff too. They were thirteen when they dropped out of school and I don't see why I have to do what they say. I know that they are older than me but that doesn't mean they always know better. When I was little I used to think that was so but I've seen too much now. The brothers I thought were gods among men are just people too. I've seen them at their breaking points and I have participated in our downfall too. Sometimes I think that my brothers don't believe I understand anything but I do. I may only be fifteen but I know stuff.

Just because I have a weak heart it doesn't mean I'm going to break with one tap either. I'm strong too, and I can fight. Teva has been teaching me stuff. He isn't too good with his gun but he's real good with knives. I got a knife from the base this afternoon, it's heavy in my pocket. Tate said to stay home today, that they'd be back later but I'm tired of sitting around and making my brothers do all of the work. I want to help them too, I want to contribute. I can't claim to know everything but I'm smart. I do well in school. I get even better grades than Calcifer does and he's really smart. I know that if they just gave me a chance I could be helpful too.

This isn't my first time on a job. Maybe my sixth or seventh. Tate really hates it when I go on jobs because he says that I shouldn't do it. I don't know why. I'm fast and small, people don't pay a lot of attention to a guy like me. Especially if I keep my hat on and my head down. For a while, a lot of people knew us because of mom but that happened four years ago now and people are starting to forget how she died. Not me. I can't forget. I won't, not ever. It's good though, that they've stopped pointing at us in the streets. It makes it hard to remain anonymous when people know you by sight.

I've been circling the same couple of blocks like a hawk now for a good hour or so, trying to work up my nerve. I set out to do this, I don't want to go home empty handed. So I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll make them see me, make Tate understand that I'm not just his kid brother anymore. I'm that but I'm also just as good as them, I'm my mom's kid too. I know that if mom were here, she wouldn't want me sitting around while my brothers do all the work. I have to work hard too and become strong so that mom could be proud of me if she were still here. I can't sit in my brother's shadows forever because they'll begin to hate me if I just continue to live off of them.

I gotta be brave like Tripp, fearless like Teva and strong like Tate.

I can do this.

There's a wealthy looking light haired lady coming up the street towards me and I finger the knife in my pocket, heart moving up to my throat as I slow. There's no one else about. People are all either at work or school or something, I don't know what. It's just us here. She gets closer and I lick my lips, trying to stay calm. I've never seen someone with such light hair before. It's even free of falling ash from the factory mouths. Her skin is clean and so is her white jacket over her black pants. I can't see a purse but a girl like that has to have money on her.

I stop in the street, hands shaking. Widening my stance, I pull the knife out and flick it open, trying to be as menacing as I can be. "Stand and deliver, lady," I say, surprised at how steady my voice is for how nervous I am. I know that if Teva were here, he'd have his knife pressed against her throat and a pile of her riches in his hands already. I'm not Teva but I'll get this done too. She stares back at me, wide-eyed for a moment and then a bemused expression forms upon her pale visage. "I said give me your money," I growl, trying to come across like Tate would, fearsome and scary.

"What will you do if I don't?" she asks me, voice dead of emotion, the hinting lilt of curiosity buried beneath her words somehow feeling fake. I wasn't really expecting that. Usually when my brothers describe it, it goes according to plan. They wave their knife or gun about and the person coughs up and that's how robbing works. I didn't think there were any finer details, like convincing someone. Usually a knife is convincing enough. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want to get the money and I want to go back home to show my brothers my loot so that they can be proud of me.

I step closer, raising the knife higher as if to bring it to her attention. "If you don't, then I'll hurt you," I say and this time my voice does shake a little with the lie. I hope she doesn't notice. "Maybe," I add, voice growing in strength, "Maybe I'll even kill you." I've heard Tate threaten people a couple of times before. I know that it always works when it comes from him. It's because he's scary and big. I'm little and weak looking though. I'm not intimidating like him. It's a mistake from me. I can see it in her face.

"Oh boy," she says, and her voice is laced with a condescending tone. "Put that knife away now, before you hurt yourself." She moves closer to me and I stumble backwards. She's a full-sized adult and I'm not. People are supposed to be afraid. Not like this. This isn't right, not how my brothers said it was at all. She smirks at me as she watches me move back and it makes me angry. It's not supposed to go this wrong.

"I'm serious, lady," I try one more time, moving forward and raising the knife higher. She's real tall and towers over me. "If you don't give me what I want, then you're going to get hurt." I try to sound strong in this statement, like I really know what I'm doing but the truth is, my heart is freaking out, running away from me again. This is going really wrong. I know though that my brothers would never back down. They're strong and brave. I've gotta be strong and brave too. I can do this.

She laughs then, throwing back her head to reveal a pale throat and several pink scars that line it like rings. The laugh is sharp, pervading the air and my ears. It brings a scarlet flush to my cheeks and I'm angry, embarrassed. This would never happen to Teva. He doesn't let people laugh at him and walk away from it alive. He's told me hundreds of stories about the guys that he's beat up. "What are you going to do, boy," she says, voice mocking, "Stab me?"

My fingers tighten around the blade and I'm not just frightened anymore. I'm tired of people treating me like I'm useless, like I'm powerless. I'm tired of people looking down at me just because I'm weak. I'm tired of people treating me like nothing. I can be fearsome and brave and daunting and terrifying too, I can be everything my brothers are and everything mom would want in a son. I can be it all. I just have to be like Tate and put my fear away. I'm gonna show them. I'm gonna show them all.

"Yeah," I say, anger surging through me as I push my arm forward, knife pushing through fabric that yields easily to the sharpness of my knife and I feel it in my arm when the knife pierces her skin and my hands are shaking as I pull my hand away, and a blooming of red appears on her arm from where she raised it to block the attack. There is a slit in her coat and red colours the pretty whiteness of her jacket a dark colour. Horror seeps through me as she stares down at me but she doesn't make a sound, only looks and I'm gonna hurl, I'm gonna scream.

She's just standing there and so am I, I'm frozen, I can't move. The knife is sticking from her flesh, I didn't even have the strength to pull it out of her arm. I know I should run, I should shove her and run away and hide my face for a hundred years because the way she's looking at me, it isn't with fear. It's a mixture of cold delight and just more curiosity.

After a long moment has passed, she reaches up and yanks the knife out of her arm, letting it fall to the pavement with a clatter. She doesn't say a word as she probes the cut with her fingers, eyes narrowing in concentration as she stares at me, now unseeing. When she pulls her fingers away from the cut, she nods slightly, as if confirming the fact that yes, she has been stabbed.

"Assault, possession of a weapon, threatening an officer, thievery......" she says softly as if completing a mental checklist in her head. After her voice peters out, a queer smile begins itself, spreading quickly across her face. "Yes," she says, reaching a decision. I don't know what decision this is, but she hasn't reached for me yet and my feet suddenly remember how to work. I twist, turning on one heel and run faster than I've ever ran before, fear making my heart pump like a jack rabbit.

She catches me in two strides, one hand wrapping around my arm and pulling me backwards with a lurch. I fall, the force of her tug sending me to the pavement, knocking all of the air out of my body. A slight sound escapes from my lips but I can't catch my breath back, it's gone. I huff, face going red as I try to breath again. She kicks me over, placing one black boot on my back. I hear the sound of her unzipping her jacket and she clicks something. "I'm placing you under arrest, little boy," she says, voice eerily calm again.

I want to scream, but I can't. The edge of my vision is going all white again and it's because my heart can't keep up. I struggle, grunting beneath her boot as she cuffs my hands together. "There's no point," she whispers, bending low to whisper in my ear. I ignore that, struggling further, heart rate raising higher and higher as I give it my all to get away. I wish Tate and Teva and Tripp were here. I wish I wasn't such an idiot. "You were mine from the moment that you pulled that knife on me, darling," she says.

I open my mouth, breath caught and I'm gonna scream but there's a sharp pain on the back of my head and the world goes white.

And your friends
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