Sail on {Crusader} Sail on {Elidor Standalone}

Sail on across the sky
I see you on the other side
you helped me so much, I'm much obliged
I never got to thank you.
Sail on across the sky
I soldier up and dry my eyes
I wish that I had got to hold you,
but I'm just glad that
I got to know you.

For the first time in days I'll see him in person. I've seen him in the screen fighting through the arena. I watched him die, and today I can see him one last time. I can look into his fixed eyes and tell him how much I love him, how much I appreciate him, and how much I'm going to miss him. I know he'll always be with me. Walking beside me. Holding me through my journey in life, and I have to be strong. For him. It's what he would want. But as I search for my best clothing in the closet, I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he won. If he returned home from the hell they were trapped in. He wouldn't have been the same.

A short sleeve button down shirt falls off the rack into my hands. It's not the best, but here, for me, it's the best I have. He deserves the best. He deserves to be alive, but so does everyone else who's ever died in the games. I don't know their names or anything, but nobody should die for the sake of entertainment. My jeans fall into my hands next, and a small grin spreads across my face. I only wear these once a year, but this year I'm wearing them twice. Once when I stood in the reaping, and again as I lay my wonderful cousin to rest. I promised I would smile for him, to keep his memories alive, and I'm going to try my best. To show him I care, and I want to honor him. I just hope he stands beside me because today I need him more than ever.

Once I'm dressed, I leave the house. The ground crunches with every step I take. I can only imagine what it looks like. Crusader said the ground was green, but I've never seen green. I've never seen any color other than different shades of black and white. He said the sky turned magnificent colors when the sun rose into the sky every morning. Of course I had to see this for myself, but I couldn't tell what was happening. I couldn't see them, and it was always a huge disappointment. He said the colors were sometimes purple and red. I long to see them. To see what they look like. Maybe one day when I'm walking in the sky with him, I'll finally see the colors, but for now, I'll move along. I'll spend each day watching the sunrise and set. Not for me. For him.

I keep my head turned towards the ground not making eye contact with anyone. The breeze is cooler than novels, but that happens this time every year. Temperatures drop. Crops wither up and die. Many die during the cold months. No food. Little water. No heat just the fires we build for ourselves. For those lucky enough to have one. Very few people are out today. It might be from the cold; at least that's what I prefer to think. I was never fond of the cold weather, but I made sure everyday I was working in some shape or fashion. Someone has to keep up with the work. My heart leaps under my chest for only a moment as I stop in my tracks. My lungs beg for air as my eyes fix on the tiny tribute cemetery.

My chin quivers, and I can feel water forming in the corners of my eyes, but I wipe them away. I made a promise I wouldn't cry. I have to be strong. I have to be brave. This isn't about me anymore. I have a cousin who's memories live inside me, and it's my duty to keep them alive. Crying isn't an option. I blink a few times trying to fight the tears away until they finally give in. I won't be crying. Not today. I inhale sharply as my eyes move around from one grave to another. I can't count how many are buried here, but it doesn't amaze me. Many games have gone by, and seeing this for myself makes me realize how many have truly died for a cause we stand no chance against. Fighting it is pointless. It's best to just give in.

With every ounce of strength I have, I move forward. It's not until I see the box resting above the ground... My heart shatters into millions of pieces, and I can feel the tears forming in my eyes again. I can feel the pain I never allowed myself to feel. My blood surges rapidly though my body providing each organ with the oxygen needed. My breathing quickens as I fight to maintain control. It hurts. Why did he have to die? Why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I volunteer for him? Crusader deserves to be alive. He deserves to be waking here today. Every child that was tossed into the arena deserves to be here today. Maybe not in district eleven, but the district they belong to, but she killed him, and she's alive, and now he isn't.

Do I hate her?

No.

Do I wish he was alive instead of her?

Yes.

Do I wish she was dead?

I honestly don't know.

But every time her name is brought up, the anger surges through my body. Crusader was w good man. A good person. A good individual. A gentle giant. He never meant to hurt anyone, but did he have a choice in the games? Did she have a choice? I can't do anything as the box grows larger the closer I get to it. Tears well up in the corner of my eyes, and I'm fighting them with every ounce of strength I have. I keep telling myself not to cry because he doesn't need to see me crying, but I don't know what to do. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this.

And I'm finally staring down at his body in the box. He's stiff and cold. His chest doesn't move. His lungs don't expand anymore. His heart doesn't pump the blood through his body. All that's left is a shell he once lived in. It held his body for the eighteen years he was alive, and here I am looking down at it. I can't save him. I can't do anything for him except live for him. A lump forms in my throat as I swallow. It's hurting to breathe. Hurting to move, hurting to think. All I wanted was to see him alive one last time. I'll never forget the moment he cried when those two boys died. I'll always see the tiny girl in his arms as he carried her limp body before throwing her into the chasm. I'll never forget the pain when he killed the girl. The anger when he saw Stella dead. The last breath he took. None of that will ever leave my mind especially now that I'm looking at him for the last time.

"Crusader. Man. I...I don't know where to begin..." My voice shakes as I speak. I have no words to describe this. To talk about the pain I'm feeling. Nothing, but I have to try. I have to for him. I inhale sharply holding on with every bit of strength I have inside. "You were always more than just a cousin. You were someone I looked up to, and still look up to. You were strong and brave. You were amazing. You helped anyone you could. Crusader, man, I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you. You were always there for me. You always helped me. You taught me things I couldn't see. You helped me imagine colors. I can't see them, but you tried. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. I'm sorry I never came to see you off. I couldn't say goodbye because goodbye is forever, but here I am now saying goodbye."

More tears welled up in the corners of my eyes. Each word became harder to say. I wanted to give up, but he has to hear this. I have to do this for him. I lick my lips slowly before taking another breath. My hands shake at my side. "I... I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for remaining true to yourself in the end. She won, Crusader. She won. She was freed from the arena, but she won't ever truly be free. And I can't stand hearing her name. I can't stand looking at her. I...I watched her kill you. I watched her blade end your life. And I want to be happy for her. I want to congratulate her on her win, but I can't. I don't want to see her. I don't want to look at her. Crusader, man, I miss you so much already. It just doesn't feel real, and every time her name is mentioned, I can only think of you...."

My knees buckle under the weight of my body, and I'm falling towards the ground. I land on my knees next to the box. My hand runs across his eyes. He's so peaceful. So at ease. So lost to the rest of the world. "I...I...I'll keep your memories alive. I'll live everyday for you, but I need you. I need you to walk beside me. Help me to remain strong. Help me. Please. Don't just leave me here alone. I need you." Tears fall rapidly down my face without my permission, but I don't care. I can't care because he's gone, and he's never coming back. I'll never talk to him again. I'll never have someone explain the colors to me. I'll never have someone who understands. Loud violent sobs escape my lips, and I don't know what to do other than let myself cry.

I'm sorry, Crusader. I'm so sorry.

I carefully close the lid of the box. My tears drop down on it leaving water marks. My heart races inside my chest as I force myself to my feet pulling myself together. I wrap my hands around the shovel and slowly pile the dirt around him burying him for his final resting place. I wipe the tears from my eyes before shoveling the last pile of dirt. It doesn't seem real. I never thought this would happen, but here I am. I turn my eyes towards the sky wishing him well. Wishing he rests in peace and that the world he's in now gives him everything he wants. I hope he flies high with the birds of the sky. Maybe he'll find me again, but until then my life goes on, and every breath I breathe is no longer for only me. It's for him.

"Rest in peace, Crusader. Rest in peace."