Justin Delance(d12) done

Hiya Puppy!

I'm just going to jump right into this, because there are a few things I could say, but anyways, here we go.

Please, please, please read through this again, like read it again, because after the first sentence you lose me. The structure of your sentences, your spelling and punctuation is all over the place. If you have read it, read it again, read it to yourself out loud, do it until everything flows and makes sense (I'm not trying to be harsh, or cruel, but for you to better understand how to improve your writing I'm going to explain it as best as I can, okay?).

Owing to always using a blunted razor that my mom blunted herself.

Skipping straight to this part, why is his mother doing that? Like is she using it to shave her beard?

capitolites "lip stick" which you'd

you might call "toothpaste" in district twelve.

What are you trying to imply, exactly, with you use of " "? Generally when you use quotation marks like that it's trying to use the word ironically. In my opinion the quotation marks around both of these don't need to be there. I don't feel like your trying to imply that the lipstick used by Capitolites is anything other then lipstick, or that the toothpaste in district twelve is like orange peel or dog poop. They're using toothpaste, and it's a commonly used word, not some foreign unbeknown word that no one within the lower districts would know.

It is from fat. I am not the most fit person in the district lets say. I'm not some rich capitolite who can eat everything he wants to. My father is a merchant though and from time to time he brings back us some little snacks.

Firstly, little snacks aren't going to make anyone fat, if anything they'd allow him to be in a healthy weight range.

This healer said I had what they called in the olden days "binge eating disorder." When my parents' backs are turned during dinner I sneak a little more.

Stop. After five minutes or research into this disorder I've learned more about it then what your bio states. If you are going to portray something like this disorder you need to research it, you need to look it up, you need to learn about the symptoms, diagnosis, warning signs, treatment and all sorts of things. You seem to have disregarded the entire fact that he is from district twelve. The district where 99% of the population is living in poverty and starving everyday.

Where on earth is he getting such large amounts of food to binge on to make him fat? Let alone the fact that his parents have chosen to ignore his illness, it's okay for them to not accept it, or for that matter believe there is nothing wrong with him, but I highly, highly doubt anyone who lives in poverty wouldn't realise their food was going missing.

Just there is so much here to say:

"Physical signs:

Feeling tired and not sleeping well
Feeling bloated, constipated or developing intolerances to food

Psychological Signs:

Preoccupation with eating, food, body shape and weight
Extreme body dissatisfaction and shame about their appearance
Feelings of extreme distress, sadness, anxiety and guilt during and after a binge episode
Low self esteem
Increased sensitivity to comments relating to food, weight, body shape, exercise
Depression, anxiety or irritability"

(source: here)

Where is any of this in your bio? For someone who is constantly called fat and ugly he doesn't show much emotion. You're telling me that he gets called this and that, but you aren't showing me.

I'm not the smartest person either. I'm sure you can tell. I talk politely and all but a teacher told me there is nothing such as big bones. I don't believe the teacher though. Why are some people fatter than others? Well, their bones must be bigger. Right? You agree with me though.

This entire paragraph contradicts everything above. Well if he thinks it's big bones and all then why does he believe the healer when the healer says he has a binge eating disorder?

Oh! And the kids at school say I'm a dunderhead, whatever that means...

This is just shoved onto the end of the paragraph with no explanation or anything, it's just there.

The kids at my school say I'm a cat lady.

Cat lady? Lady?

I feel as if the kids at my school are my friends, even though I sit all alone at lunch time.

That's too big a contradiction and when you add this to it:

I had a few friends when I first started school. They all ran away from me when they saw how stupid and idiotic I was. They didn't like the fact I was such a daydreamer. I still think they are my friends currently though. Even though they insult me everyday at school and call me a freak.

Really? Just please, really?

In the actual Hunger Games books it is stated that those that are fat in district 12 are considered lucky. So instead of being abused and insulted most people would envy his position as they would believe his family was wealthy enough and in such a good spot that they could survive.

My parents say I'm to gullible though. I'm not sure what that means either but I think it may have something to do with believing in the "propaganda" the capitol puts out on tv. I don't know what propaganda means either but I think it's the announcer dude saying the reaping is coming and to be happy!

Don't use words like gullible and propaganda and then be like 'whatever they mean'. This is a first person biography, write it to his abilities, if you are trying to portray him as stupid and dumb stop just telling us, show us, make him use simple language, silly words. Stop using big words and then saying "I don't know what that means, though". Why not just say things like "my parents say I believe too quickly in whatever anyone tells me, last week Johnny asked me to go and clean up the toilets at school, he said that he'd come and help me. Three hours later I was still by myself." idek just think about it for a moment.

They kept me but my father said that they were about to send me to an orphanage for being so sickly.

So I'm guessing this didn't happen, but I don't know, to be honest, you don't say.

Your history has practically nothing in it, on his history, on his life and everything, You start by saying he's written this essay, and then you go to a hut, with a father that doesn't like him. How does this affect Justin? What kind of fights do they get into? What about his mother? Does his mother hate him? Why does his mother want to fix his eating problem, but refuses to believe that one even exists?

There is so much you can and need to expand on.

I'm going to repeat to you, what I put at the start:

Please, please, please read through this again, like read it again, because after the first sentence you lose me. The structure of your sentences, your spelling and punctuation is all over the place. If you have read it, read it again, read it to yourself out loud, do it until everything flows and makes sense.

Do not tell me that you no longer want to put the effort into this bio, because I have spent the last forty-five minutes putting effort into trying to help you improve.

When you have made the changes reply back and we will take another look! ^^

-- Cass