I'll Mourn You When You Go // [Trasholder Train]

e l v e r u m.

Beating like a clock, ticking like a heart -- it skips a beat, the ethereal stopwatch ticking second by second to the day of my funeral, and whether it's a few weeks from now or a few decades from now, I'll never know. I've never been keen on counting the seconds that pass me like trees on this train ride. It's not Elverum and Saffle, anymore, it's not Elverum and Duncan, not Elverum and Axton. There are no monsters of the deep here on this train; only Elverum and her. Her, the other of district eigth's still beating hearts.

Lionclaw and a beartooth -- never had I caught her name like never had I thought I'd leave the district. Never had I imagined the adrenaline through my veins mixing with the cyanide flowing from my heart. Never had I ever believed that other someplace had been so close a year ago, two years ago, six years ago. Rushing of leaves tapping against the window like kids and a fish tank, and I'm so close to the non-polluted nature. The fable lands, story book settings feet away. They blur together like two different species: 

my past and my present. 

Fire like freedom like air like -- "Three... two... one. Oh. Yeah. Guess that makes sense. You must be the boy. I'm..." the spark of light in the engine, energy popping through veins and flesh and riding the battery, I'm the revolution, the cloud prince. Leader of the carnivals, two feet forwards, one foot back all separated by a train ride and a window."Everyone else. Ask the wall to breathe more quietly. The feet have gotten cold." 

In a beat of a mountain, silver & tin & platinum -- feet have grown cold like my fingertips, white ripped dress collar dried with dirt, beating heart stitched together like a childhood doll. My breath is harsh with the rustling wind and it's just us two, no mentor in existence, no escort in our train compartment. I roll my sleeves like Saffle rolls her eyes, as Axton rolls another cigarette and as Duncan rolls in bed. It's crazy how similar our lives started in that factory, and how they all spanned out. 

Never once did the spine break -- "Leaves are louder than walls," I tap on the glass between me and reality, reality and I. Separated by a thin line I'll cross one day. "I'd just ignore it," distraction versus happiness, maybe there isn't enough room for the both of us to cross.  

e l v e r u m.

Back and forth, life and death -- Saffle never showed up at that door, Duncan did, but Saffle didn't, and Marshel didn't. There was only one visitor, and I can't even say he truly cared, and if he didn't who did? We move along motionless, running on these tracks like swimming, and I'm not sure how much longer I want to stay afloat. Who is there to care? It is only me, and her, and not even a last memory to remind myself of Saffle, not a single polaroid of today of her, of her today.

Heavy is the heart that wears guilt -- when I'm gone, they'll move on. Every second I'm not there is another where they're building, rebuilding higher and higher into the clouds, into my kingdom while I'm 6 feet under. Maybe happiness was the wrong decision, I bang my head against the window. Without happiness, there is no sadness, there is only neutral, and maybe neutral is my safe place.  And maybe there is nothing else.

Crypts of souls, windows pour in our souls -- "You can't ignore it."

Black and energy, white and standing -- I look at her, really, look at her, her face is grey, just like the rest of them: Saffle, Duncan, Marshel, and where were they? Sharp chin, short hair, nice fingernails, dead already. Maybe we both are, touched by the hands of an angel fallen, we should be loved. Why didn't Saffle come back?

Life of void, what a bli-- "Ignorance is no excuse for experience." I bang my head on the window. Ignorance is no excuse for experience. It's an excuse for happiness, a facade, a void of the happy and unhappy where just the bare skeleton of human nature remains, and there I am. There I am right in the heart, between the dragon wings and rib cage jail, I'm somewhere. In the darkness, painted on those ivory, I'm anywhere but there and anywhere but here, you can't ignore it.

If only I could.

Beat of sticks and a row of stones -- "Too tall. Your face is unfinished. Come here, so I can finish it." Eighteen years in, eighteen years out, I breath through the lungs that were once water jugs, I've never cried so far. Not today, never today, and not tomorrow. I'll be there, without Saffle, Duncan, Marshel, I'll be there and that's all I've ever needed. Maybe. 

Dragon wings, Angel heart, Dragon heart, Angel wings -- where do we stand? I stand, lanky and towards her I go, because she's all I have. Arm's length away there's a cart with goods, cakes, alcohol. Saffle never drank it, never let me either, said it would melt whatever was left of my brain. She'd smoke all day though, and leave her brother to die, (because she could never leave me to live.) Was what we were doing not already dying? I chuckle. 

Older than tomorrow, younger than yesterday -- "I think I've forgotten how to forget," I grab the bottle by the neck, already opened, but he's dead. Axton, he smelled just like the bottle, and I can't help but to not feel anything, he's gone. Saffle never told me, she never would, but there's was no hospital close enough way back when. And I look back to her, the girl, the only other beating heart from district eight. 

"Why can't I ignore it?"