E L I A S ¬ S O N G ¬ 11 ¬

When I were young 'n all, I reckoned God were just a somebody Pa made up so's I wouldn't be 'causin nobody no trouble. See, I were a little hellraiser back'n that time, when the earth were good an' Ma were aroun'. Pa was happiest back then I reckon, 'cause it were 'afore I was askin' too many things 'bout God an' Jesus an' all them things. It were back when I jus' assepted it all as fac'. I ran aroun' this dis'ric with my head down an' no thoughts 'bout nuthin'. It were jus' me, ther good earth an' ther blazin' sun.

Now that'm older, I reckon I seen too much not ter believe in ther God that Ma 'n Pa always was puttin' so much 'a their faith in. 'Cause Pa bin tellin' me all these things all my life 'bout what happens ter sinners. I ain't never believed him 'afore we had that drought an' ther whole earth dried up an' all them folks includin' my Ma passed on ter Heaven or Hell. It were nearly two years back now an I were only fourteen then but I remember ther god awful hungerin' in my belly fer a lick 'a somethin' ter et ter the poin' that Pa an' I was eatin' dirt we was so desperate.

Ma was ravin' mad when she went but she told us that it were God, punishin' us fer our awful sinnin' we all done. An' when I were sittin' there, weak with that awful hunger, holdin' the limp hand 'a my Ma, I 'spose I believed her then. It jus' took somethin' real awful like that drought ter make me sit up straighter 'n church an' comb my hair real nice. I started prayin' real earnest right when I was at my mos' weak an' that's when God sent us the people who built us ther ear-row-gay-shun system an' brought unto us a plentiful harvest 'n food fer us ter be nourished on. Even though we was a bunch 'a sinnin' fools, God showed his fergiveness an' I'll remem'er that always.

An' I reckon I learned me somethin' real importan' too; Belief ain't made through good things, but through fear. People'll cling ter anythin' they can when they're desperate enough. Well I reckon I reached out fer God at that time an' he reached bck fer me. An I ain't never felt so loved 'n protected 'afore then. 'Afore then I wen' ter church an' I said ther prayers along with everybody but I never mean' them all tha' much. In that time, I opened up my heart lickety-split ter God an' he took me in his arms, safe. I reckon if God hadn't sen' those people fer us, I woulda bin nex' ter die. Pa says I were ravin' jus' like Ma 'afore she died on us an' they put a medicines inner me, but I ain't ever remem'ered it that way.

I only remem'er a great warmth an' ther words 'a God in my ear, tellin' me that I weren't gonna have ter fear, he would keep me safe. So I weren't fearin' 'n I was ner-ished back ter health, good as gold.

It's bin two years since our lan' dried up an' we almos' died all of us, but my body ain't worse fer wear. When school picked up 'agin there were far less kids an' some people I reckon I'd known my whole life was gone fer good. I didn't worry much. I knew that God had taken them inter his arms an' that they weren't sufferin' no more. It were awfully lonely though in class seein' as most 'a my classes were near empty. Everyone were desperate an' tryin' ter get ther groun' back up ter snuff so nex' year's harves' might be alright.

I prayed fer ther souls 'a ther drought victims at that time, an' I prayed fer my Ma an' I hoped that she were happy an' healthy up in Heaven an' not missin' me as much as I were missin' her.

Pa was real busy at that time an' I reckon' that helped him about Ma goin' on ter paradise without us. It were still hard seein' as neither of us knew much 'bout housekeepin' an' cookin'. Pa had to learn ter sew an' fix ther holes in our socks hisself. I teached me about cookin' by helpin' ther women on Sundays af'er church with gittin' supper ready. We didn' have ter worry much. Even though none of us ever really had much, people were always invitin' us 'roun' fer supper an' the like seein' as Pa were the preacher an' all.

People was comin' ter us fer advice a lot 'cause of ther drought, askin' Pa what they should do. Pa tole them that they oughtter pray fer their souls. I reckon Pa were thinkin' that we was all doomed. When I was askin' him why he tole me it were all ther sinnin' goin' on in our disric'. An' I knew that jus' 'afore ther drought this kid in my year at school had strung hisself up. Pa spoke on it in church ther Sunday after an' I were t his funeral. P was sayin' that it were a sin ter kill yerself 'cause that's throwin God's gift back in his face an' all.

I remem'er I cried fer Marcus' soul 'cause I didn' wan' him ter be in hell. I remem'er thinkin' that God couldn' sen' a kid like that ter hell an' tellin' myself that god weren' real.

An then ther drought hit.

I ain't wantin' ter think on that no more.

Truth is, I'm sixteen this year an' some nights I cry still, thinkin' 'bout my Ma an' how much I miss her smile an' her scent. My Ma was rel pretty n' she was always doin' somethin' ter help out. Yer couldn't see her sittin' 'roun' ever 'cause if there were somethin' ter be done, she was doin' it.

I wan' ter be that way too.

If there's a person in need then I ain't wantin' ter be sittin' 'roun', I wanna be helpin' them out 'n showin' 'em tht they in't alone no more. I wnn rech out ter people ther way that God reched out ter me n' show them the peace n' love that they kin fin' in this big ol' world. Everyone is always sayin' tha' there's a lot ter be fearin' now an' I reckon they're right but I also think that there's a lot ter be grateful for. Yer gotta take happiness when yer kin get it an' so's I try ter 'preciate ther simple things in life, like the smell 'a summer mornin's or the way it feels ter bite inter a crisp apple an' hear the slidin' crunch.

Those small things are ther things that God saw fit ter give us an' they are beautiful.

An' I 'spose I talk ter God a lot now. I ain't got no Ma no more ter talk to an' I feel a bit bad 'bout layin' my problems on Pa seein' as everyone talks ter him. He mus' git tired a hearin' 'bout people. So's I talk ter God instead an' though sometimes he don't speak I know he listens an' I know he answers me. He leaves me signs an' I search fer 'em too. P says I mus' have a good ree-lay-sun-ship with God an' I reckon it too. An' I know that I shoul' be fearin' him 'cause I know he can do things like ther drought but I can't. I trus' him too much.

Maybe it's 'cause I'm a fool or maybe it's 'cause I'm too trustin' but I reckon I been like this always. Pa says ther reason I got me so many friends is on accoun' 'a how likable I am. I got a' easy grin an' a tendency ter talk. I don' know why, I jus' like people an' I like ther stories they tell 'a themselves. Pa reckons it's 'cause I'm his son an' he reckons it's 'cause God has big plans fer me. I reckon them plans entail me takin' over fer my Pa when he gets too old ter be Preachin'.

I reckon I love God n' all but I ain't lookin' ter be tellin' people what ter do when I barely know which way is up mos' 'ther time.

There's a lot that I ain't knowin' an' there's a lot I wish that I did. Sometimes instead 'a prayin' ter God I talk ter my Ma an' I try ter imagine what she'd say ter me but it's gittin' real hard ter remem'er her voice or her face 'cause we ain't got no pho-toe-graffs or nuthin'. An' lately I been feelin' things that I don't git.

Like there's this big 'ole emptiness inside 'a me.

An' I eat tons an' tons hopin' ter fill it but Pa says I'm a teenage boy an' I mus' got me some hollow legs 'cause I never git full. An' I'm startin' ter believe that emptiness can't be filled up with food. An then I thought gittin' me a girl might help an' so's I asked out Mary-Louise who I known since we was small an' when she said yes an' blushed at me I thought my heart would burst at how sweet she was lookin' but it weren't right.

It weren't fillin' that hole up, those lazy Summer days we spen', jus' ther two of us tergether.

Even ther first time I kissed her, when I was standin' on her front porch, bringin' her home from an' afternoon spen' at ther creek. I put my thumb on her chin an' I tilted her face up ter me, an' I asked her if I could kiss her. An' I was in ther thought tha' I was mean' ter be feelin' somethin' like butterflies in my stomach but all's I felt was a strange curiosity.

When I asked God 'bout that later he didn't say much.

So's I went right on kissin' her, hopin' ther feelin' would come fer me but it never has an' it got me thinkin' that love, true romance like that mus' jus' be a myth. I'm okay with tha' I reckon 'cause I know tha' there are other types 'a love. I been with Mary-Louise a whole year an' I reckon that I do love her, jus' not in ther all-consumin' way, like how Pa still loves my Ma, God rest her soul.

An' I reckon I'm res'less, thirstin' fer somethin' that I ain't got. An' I 'spose that's a sin in itself, but I can't be helpin' myself. I ain't never been conten' with a reg'lar existence. Even though Pa don't gotta tell me that he's 'spectin' me ter do his preachin' fer him when he gits too ol', I ain't sure I'll be takin' over fer him. See,I reckon that I was mean' fer other gran' things, other impossibilities. I ain't no smarty pants, no, but I'm good in other ways. There's some thin's I learned better than anyone else, some things yer can't be learnin' from no tex' book.

Some'd argue that my life has always been real simple. It ain' true. It jus' ain't. Losin' Ma were one 'a them things yer don' git over quick at all. When she died, Pa turn' righ' ter God an' I followed soon after, but not in love, in anger 'n hatred.

I remem'er it real well, runnin' out ter ther quiet fields in ther mornin' mists, a scream of pain tearin' itself real fast from my lips only momen's after Ma took her las' breath. My ribs was showin' an' I reckon I was dyin' soon too.

An' God, was I angered.

I shouted up a' ther sky, swearin' I'd never given one lick 'a though' ter ther god up in them skies, ther God who my Ma had loved. She used ter spen' so much time prayin' tha' her knees was always all bruised up bad. Even when she was too weak ter stan', she had me help her git ter her knees so's she couldpray ter a God that weren't listenin'.

So I's tol' God tha' an' I's tol' him that I's hated him an' when I's was all done my screamin', God whispered back.

There's no doubt in my min' tha' I woulda died there in tha' field, layin' all huddled up inter myself. Pa had given away every las' thin' we had ter our neighbors, all 'cause tha' was his job.

But God hel' me there an's with the mornin' breeze his breath tickled my neck an' he tol' me, "Hold, Elias. The sun also rises still."

An' he gave unter me a sunrise tha' was so beautiful I weeped an' with ther risin' sun, there came a great many people from all over, baskets of food an' water hel' tight in their han's. An God tol' me that they were there ter help us an' I was at peace agin'.

Ever since then, I talk ter God a lot. I tol' Pa about it an' he was pleased fer me. It ain't often that God chooses a man ter speak to. He encouraged me ter keep talkin' ter God, to ask him ter keep us in his heart, safe an'snug an' since then, there ain't been another drought.