Angels in the Snow {Aza/Blitz}

Cold chills sweep across my body devouring my soul. Frost nips at my nose, but I don't feel cold. It's a sweet moment sitting here without anyone in the world to bother me. It's enough to make me wonder why I ever tried to live at home. Freedom hasn't been this close in a long time. I was chained, beaten, left to die in a cell in the middle of the detention center, but here I am growing stronger than ever before.

Until a soft voice breaks through the silence.

"Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not worth crying over."

But I wasn't crying. Not yet anyway.

Raising my gaze, my eyes meet her's for only a second before turning away. She looks familiar, like I've seen her before, but I can't place it. The district is huge, and then there's always school.

But why do I feel sorrow for her?

Lifting my gaze once more, I try to figure out who she is. I try to take in what I know despite not fully understanding. Everyone in the world could chose to walk away from any given situation, but I feel trapped. Lost in a society where nobody cares. Like a noose is being placed around my neck as I'm led to the gallows -

No, it's different.

Inhaling sharply, I tighten my jacket around me before words slip past my teeth easily. "How can you say that? Have you ever experienced what I have?"

Her words slapped me across the face leaving a handprint invisible to the human eye. That's where I know her from. Losing a sibling in the game is one of the hardest things to deal with in the world. I can't imagine the pain of losing a twin, but I do know what it's like to lose someone I cared about. I know what it's like to be taken away before the body is returned for a funeral. I know what it's like to sit in a cell thinking about her death over and over.

But I don't know what to say.

Perhaps I was stupid to even come out here today. Maybe it was silly of me to talk to her. But if anyone understood, maybe it would be her.

Lowering my gaze once more, I rest my forhead on my knees remembering the way the justice building went up in smoke. I can hear the sounds of the light fixtures and cameras crashing towards the ground. It all seems so real right now, yet it's just a memory trapped in the abyss of my mind threatening to devour me alive.

Nothing will compare to the feeling living inside of me.

Nothing can set me free.

After three years, I haven't found the happiness I desire, and I've realized I probably never will.

"I'm sorry for your loss."

Because it's never going to get better.

Perhaps apologizing wasn't the smartest thing to do in this situation, but it was there. Not to make her feel worse, but I want her to know I'm genuinely sorry. I've experienced your pain. I want to say. I know what you're going through. But none of those made sense right now. In fact, it would probably make it worse.

"...What's your downfall then?"

Ever since leaving the detention center, nothing has been right. Nothing helps anymore. Alcohol can't block the pain away. All the beatings in the world couldn't take this back. It feels like they control me.

Three years have gone by since I've seen her. Three years since I've talked to her. Three years since my life became a living nightmare.

But how do I answer her? How can I answer this question?

All that's in front of me is the pain drifting through my mind. Turian tried to help me. Maddy has tried to help me - they all got the closure they needed while I was trapped in the dark. Tucked away from the rest of the world for the longest time.

None of those are the answer though.

Nothing will ever be the answer -

And I'm selfish to think my situation is worse than her's because it's not; I'm just a veteran at experiencing the pain.

"I watched my sister die."

I wasn't there when they placed her in her final resting place. I wasn't there when my family mourned her loss. I told her I hated her. She needed me, and I wasn't there.

I wasn't there when she needed me the most.

For a moment the entire world stood still. A weight pressed down on my shoulders squashing me like a bug under a boot. A weak, broken heart falls into the pits of my stomach. Yet somehow I manage to find myself lifting my head; it's in the darkest hours I find my strength. It hasn't always been like this. Life was perfect despite being stuck in the district. I had everything I could ever ask for. But in the blink of an eye it all changed.

How can I move on? How can I forgive myself for leaving her when she needed me the most?

Simple, I can't.

Can't never could do anything. It was simple words Ma and Pa said on a regular basis trying to keep us pushing forward when it felt impossible - the only failure is the person who gives up completely;

I'm a failure.

A harsh truth hid in her words. Esme won't come back. Her sister won't come back. The only way to ever see either of them again is to pass on, and it truthfully sounds better with each and every second -

What if life is worth living?

"Nothing can bring them back." My words echo through my own mind. "But nothing makes it okay either."

All I can do with my life is try to live it. But even the time hasn't helped me. For the last three years, I've lived breath to breath unsure of my next move. And it's true.

Time never heals wounds. All it does is make it worse.

Pain was becoming a normal for me. Every second of every single day all I felt was a numbing pain devouring my soul. Tearing the world apart. Most don't understand the feeling lingering inside of me, and I have heard time and time again that I need to move on and straighten my life up before I end up on the streets dead, but how can I move on when I can't even forgive myself?

Which is probably why her words keep piercing deep into my heart tearing at the strings. And what she's saying is true. In the back of my mind I know it is, but the darkness lingers in front of me blocking it all away. The peacekeepers played with my mind. Turning harsh words into a reality - how could she ever love me after the way I treated her?

But that's what they want. They want me to fall apart. They want to see me spiral downhill.

Spending over two years in the dark didn't help any.

"After her death, I destroyed the district square. They arrested me and sent me away." I began slowly. Perhaps offering more information would make her realize where the worthless feelings are coming from. "Two and a half years went by hearing the same thing over and over. I heard it so much. Over and over."

Inhaling sharply, I look around unsure of what to think anymore.

She's right. I have to move on. I have to live my life.

But in all honesty, I don't know how.

Yet the question still lingers before me.

"How can I move on if I can't even forgive myself?"

Nobody knows what I had gone through, and nobody can ever imagine the pain it put me through, but letting it out has changed. It feels like the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders. At least for the moment, I feel like I'm in control of my life. The strings the Capitol attached to me have tore in half. And for the first time in a long time, a genuine smile spreads across my face.

But after a mere second, it all crashes down.

A few encouraging words tore through me sending tidal waves through my body. Many emotions have gone through my mind. Many thoughts of leaving the world behind. Many thoughts of living a life full of pain and sorrow. Right now, those thoughts are clouded, and a better judgement slowly runs through my mind.

I can't carry her around forever, and soon I'll collapse if I keep going the way I'm going.

But how can I just drop her and forget about her?

"I suppose all I can do is try to live my life. That's all anyone can do. Maybe I've carried her weight around for too long." It's a simple statement, but one that rings true for me.

After she died, I lost control of myself. I disgraced her memory.

And like she said before, Esme wouldn't want me to live like this. She would want me happy in life, not weighed down by her death. "And you're right. She wouldn't want to see me like this."

Taking a deep breath, I allow my gaze to shift towards her.

"You've helped me, and I don't even know your name. I'm Kraygon, and I want to thank you for all you've done today."