abel [d8 • fin]

I've never preferred the praise of every breath I take, but the possibility of that not happening seems near impossible to do. I've never been able to look at my Father and ask for him to give me acceptance;; to allow the life of normality. He never wanted me to stray from his favored path, he wanted me to keep the name he placed me as. I was his trophy boy, his prized possession. It's damned that I ever liked the attention, because hell do I wish I had something better than that. I hate the attention now.

I hate the idea of being special. Kane was the person in my family that I always wanted to learn about and hang out with. I mean, he was my older brother, of course he's going to be someone I look up to. It's something I hated, the attention and the special treatment because Kane never got it. But as a child I was filtered into believing that I was better than him. And I acted like I was better than him. I would look at him with a sneer on my face and always look down at him like I was better than him and was more important. Just for the attention of my father. He was the old man, everyone wants to make their father proud when they're younger, right?

I now realize that as a child, attention was everything. My father seemed to know that and I had fallen into his trap. Attention was something people loved to get as a child because it showed that people cared, and it was a much more sensitive set of mind. We wanted to know that we were cared for and that people wanted to see us. We thought that if nobody wanted to see us, nobody really cared about us. That was something we feared, and whenever I look back at it, I wished I didn't get that attention. I mean - nobody really cared about Kane, so what did do that made him less important than me?

I was born into this world in early autumn, the leaves having just started to fall free from their branches and flying towards the ground. It was a very calm day, not a whole lot happening. It was a day where almost humankind could control the weather perfectly. It seemed to set something up for my future, as if they had known that the day was as easily tampered with as a child was. I grew up being told that I had to be perfect. That being the strongest man in the world was the best thing [ i'm definitely not that ] or that bringing as many girls home as you can was an accomplishment.

The fuck kind of accomplishment was that? Degrading them by having a one time shot with them and then leaving them out to the curb? That's not an accomplishment. That's just heartless - cold. Father never thought much of it, though, because he always focused on his work than me. So I guess it was good playing on his part to get me attached to him as a child right? Playing with emotions like they were some kind of toy dolls and we had no life. He breathed the life into us, breathed the personality into us that made us the way that we were. I was attached to him -- him playing me, and I had grown too much of a property type to him.

I guess that's another reason why I've been played as a child, that the oh so perfect trophy boy image is something that most children want when they look at it as a whole. I saw that image and I wanted that image, but now that I have it, damn I wish all of those one night stands with girls in which I never even got the name of were spent doing something else. But I can't stand separating myself from my father.

That's my struggle, my problem. That's my dilemma for this life that's encased me in a hell that I wish to escape but I cannot do. It shows that I'm not happy, in my stance and my eyes. But the eyes often tell a story, so maybe that's okay. My brown eyes look faded, as if they're tired from living the way they have been. But I've accustomed to this life, and who would be there to dig me out of this trench? The only person that has done that before was my father, but only days later he'd be using me again. It was something that wasn't the most appreciative, but, he kept me happy. Nobody else did that - so who would be my savior from this life?

Anyways, as the 'trophy child' I guess I should continue what made me that way.

I often walk with an odd limp of sorts, always had it I guess, I don't really remember how I got it. I'm slightly tall, about five foot eleven. I have a lot of muscle, and from that there's a lot of weight so I'm generally a bigger guy. Sun kissed skin, brown hair, freckles. I'm pretty average I guess but my parents seem to think that I look better than Kane - what a way to boost your child's confidence - and I were to be the one that kept my father's business running.

I was the trophy child, the perfect one.

I am the childless, the lost one.

table by : elegant