sorry, heart, for all the illusions { bay/katelyn } ep. 3

She leads, I follow. Absorbed into the atmosphere of flashing cameras and swooning men and women, my mind spins in the perfect chaos of the moment and I fall into the only thing that is familiar: Katelyn.

I'd been to clubs before—the strobe lights and pulse which moves like an aftershock through your body is second nature to me. I look around and I don't see that; I close my eyes and I don't feel it either. I am just a speck in a sky full of stars, tiny and insignificant, but still people extend their arms with small red books labelled 'autographs' with longing faces.

Falling hopelessly in love with someone they have never met—I was like them once.

"I'll try." Katelyn says, and if she does nothing tonight except try, then that would be enough. She takes my wrist, before an aide scampers onto the carpet like a rat that has inhaled the sweet scent of peanut spread, clawing away at Katelyn's coat. It drops, revealing a sheer black dress accessorised neatly with gold jewellery. Her legs are tattooed by tights with intricate black designs, and the darkness only continues to her feet which sit in pointed heels. Her face is beautifully beaten, a pleasure to look at when her blood red lips ask: "do I look alright?"

"You look beyond alright. Gorgeous." A smile fades onto my face, my eyes glazed with the lightning strike flash from the paparazzi.

We move smoothly down the carpet, posing for the occasional photograph, Katelyn signing the odd paper. A tall, bald man stands at the door; meatier than a t-bone steak, he towers over the two of us and we do nothing but stand silently in his shadow. I gasp a little at the situation, looking towards the crew from the show. An aura of confusion hits until eventually, he pulls out a replica of Katelyn's token which she seems only too happy to sign. My eyes light up out of admiration.

Upon entrance, a few heads turn. There's a thick scent of sweat and cologne in the air and it's mixed with the beat from the speakers. There's no escape from the sound; it enters the body from the ground up, forcing your spirit to become at one with the rhythm. A slave to it, once you feel it, you can do nothing but dance. The dance floor only reflects this—a mass possession seems to be taking place, some seem to be experiencing some sort of exorcism.

"Management would like me to remind everyone that if you need to cool off, there's no better place than Ignis's rooftop pool. But you all know I'm better than the DJ up there, right?" The man wears extravagant make-up which glows in the dark, with purple hair which is manipulated into a larger than life mohican. The body of people respond with an overwhelming cheer and I can't hold myself back and so join in.

I guard Katelyn, following her as she worms through the crowd to the bar. The neon lights flash above: blue, pink and a red which could rival the colour of Katelyn's lips.

Words become mumbles in the storm of music, but my eyes narrow when I realise that Katelyn has ordered a simple orange juice. I turn to the bartender, eyeing up the bottles behind.

"I'll take a champagne cocktail." I watch as she adds the ingredients with a sugar cube into a champagne flute, because snatching some of the tall bottles from behind, pouring a generous amount of each into the glass. The cocktail is garnished with a slice of orange and a little cherry. One sip and I'm in heaven.

This is the life I love to live.

"We'll have you on something stronger by the end of the night." I wink at Katelyn. She grins, raising her glass. 

"Well, lead on!" She says loudly. "I'm sure you know this scene better than me!" She's not wrong.

I take her free hand and pull her into the springing crowd. The smell of sweat only grows as we edge closer to the centre of people, so I lead Katelyn to a zone of the dance floor which allows for room to breathe. Dancing isn't really dancing in a club, it's more of a shuffle and jump combined, I've figured. It's much easier on the feet when you're wearing six inch heels; you can walk, talk and dance in the club like nobody's business.

A swing of the hips is something I like to throw into the mix, some people are daring enough to drop it low and shake like there's no tomorrow—I dropped it low once and it took me far too long to pick it back up.

My hand is thrown into the air as the song is remixed into another. My other hand raises the cocktail to my mouth and I take a mouthful.

I look above: poles litter the upstairs floor and women in lace lingerie and nothing at all take to the stage, giving it their all. I laugh, turning back to Katelyn.

"We'll be forced to skip that floor and go straight to the pool. But first, let's let loosen up. You know this song?" Screams of every pitch emerge from the central mass as the song begins to play. The smile that was once an accessory now becomes a permanent part of my outfit. "Rule number 1 of clubbing: ignore everyone else. Because tonight, it's just me and you." 

And here, I lose it. I down the rest of my drink, placing the glass on a nearby table. I shuffle in close to Katelyn, lose myself in the flashing lights and just live.

The music booms on, lights flickering above as glasses clink and smash in different corners of the room. Colours burst into darkness for a moment, and when the white spotlights come back on, Katelyn becomes whole with the rhythm. I smile; perhaps my carefree take on life was resonating through to Katelyn. 

She'd never fully let go, though. I understand that you never really can where there is the hope of an entire district placed unto you annually, when you are held responsible for the deaths of, at least, one child every year, when you are crowned a Victor and with it comes an immense responsibility—to be a dispenser of knowledge, and to pretend.

My mind fills with plumes of darkness at the thought of being in Katelyn's place. Her exterior coldness is explainable, but peel back the layers and inside, there is someone beautiful, but broken. The Capitol don't get to see that during parades and events—but I do.

Maybe if this all works out, I could be a shoulder to lean on. In some way, some how I could help her, even if it is for a moment or two. I look to her, rocking out to the night's soundtrack and I think yes; if she can do this for me, I could do that for her.

It takes me an entire song to realise that I am doing the exact opposite of what I told Katelyn to do: let go.

We venture further into the sweat ball in the middle of the dance floor. Bodies grind on top of each other and there's a general atmosphere which is heightened and gives you a buzz. Katelyn's hands find themselves on my shoulders and I feel snakes in my stomach again. 

Attraction is fatal, and that's okay.

The night had just begun and we are already beginning to succumb to the vibe of the club—and it's becoming the perfect night out. Beads of sweat glisten on our foreheads. Our eyes, captured by the captivating strobe effects, manage to tangle together, but our words are snatched from our breaths by the music which is constantly louder than life. 

But I had learnt long ago that the best way to get heard in a club is to shout into someone's ear. 

"Are you still good with your... juice?"  I came here to party, not to judge. "I'm all out," in more ways than one. I continue to bounce, my ponytail whipping someone behind me as they dance past. But I can't care, because tonight is about just Katelyn and I.

And right now, it seems like Katelyn is doing a better job of that than me.

And so when I whip someone behind me, I don't care. In fact, I couldn't care less.

We move through the tide of people to escape to the bar once more. Katelyn grabs be my the wrist again and I can't help but smile. Sure, it wasn't the same as holding someone's hand, but it was a small sign that she was counting on me. That she was relying on me—and even if I don't get the final rose, even if I am not the girl that Katelyn ends up with, just this moment is enough.

Because sometimes, the smaller things have the largest effects.

"Another champagne cocktail please, and make it a large." I say to the bartender, eyes focused on her as the  drink comes together in a matter of moments. Garnished with two slices of orange and some zest on the rim of the glass, bigger in most certainly better in this case.

"On most of these I've tried to get to know the contestants better. Learn about them, their families." Katelyn's words flow out so easily, but this was a part of the show I'd completely forgotten. "Kinda hard to do in this type of place." She shrugs. Being personal is another one of those key things in a relationship; it can make or break it and when people don't understand then they get confused, and confusion leads to questions.

Questions lead to leaving, and I've had my heart broken enough times to know that it's the truth, as cold as it is.

"So, I'll leave it in your hands, what else do you want to do before the night is up?"

"Let's go to the pool. Maybe we'll be able to hear ourselves think." Drink in hand, I take Katelyn's in the other and begin to lead her upstairs. The stairs are decorated with jewels and spotlights. The colour of the gems is projected onto the glass stair by the light underneath, creating a glittering glow. The Ignis really is proving to be the club of the Capitol.

Straight past the floor of half-naked dancing ladies and up to the rooftop, we are met by the night. The pool is an infinity pool, which looks onto the Capitol's skyline with wide eyes. A shift in atmosphere accompanies the new scene, as there is a much more relaxed tone to the music and overall energy of the people.

I look over my shoulder to Katelyn and smile. Her hand still in mine, I lead her over to the pool. Kicking off my heels and letting out a roar-like sigh, I sit at the edge of the pool and dangle my feet into the water. Opposite the glass divider which separates a city that never sleeps from this club and this collection of moments which tonight has brought. 

"You've got tights on, but you could still sit here if you want. It's nice, peaceful." I take a sip of my drink, before offering it to Katelyn. "This is good too, I promise you." I sigh slightly, running a hand through my hair.

I glance up to the stars. "I had to work for the life I live now. And nothing could compare to what you've been through, but I've seen people have it all so easily." I look back to Katelyn. "In the blink of an eye, they have everything but that wasn't me—I worked, it was hard, but I'm proud of what I've achieved."

Because life is too short, and that's something that Dad taught me.