letting go {rolf oneshot}

Everything about this place is wrong.

A gentle breeze fills the air as I slide down the wall on the roof. My eyes bouncing from the tops of buildings listening as the crowd chants below. Different colored lights flash through the air - in just a few shorts hours the people will get the wish they deserve. But for us here, we aren't safe, and we don't deserve this. Even those who volunteered don't deserve to die.

Wadded beneath my clenched fist is a blank sheet of paper. Wrinkles cover the edges, and as I unfold it, I remove a pen from my pocket. My stay hasn't been easy. But who would have an easy stay? The careers? The victors? The underdogs? Hope is gone. Nobody is safe once the games begin bright and early. Dreams don't exist. The nightmares I tried to escape from as a child are becoming real. Yet I can't find myself standing strong.

Colgate won the games, and as Katelyn reminded me nobody from district nine has won since. She had two come home after her. Two people were strong enough to make it out alive. Two people had the will to survive. Colgate hasn't even said one word to me - how can I win if my own mentor doesn't care?

Maybe dying isn't the worst that can happen. Katelyn said that winning isn't life. That it's not glitz and glamour. That it is a hell itself.

Was I wrong to challenge her? Was I wrong to threaten her tributes?

My eyes turn towards the piece of paper as tears pool in the corner of my eyes. Writing isn't easy because the words aren't flowing, and I don't even know what I'm trying to do. Am I sorry that I yelled at her? Do I hate myself for holding onto the anger that I've held onto for so long?

Do I need to forgive her?

Forgiveness is such a powerful word. It's letting go of everything, and moving forward. I don't know what's going to happen once I'm placed inside the arena, but I know what I've seen from the screen, and it isn't a pleasant sight. Kill or be killed. It's sickening. But nothing can be done because we sit around as cowards afraid to cross the line.

What happens when someone dies? Where do they go? Why won't anyone help me? Why can't someone listen to me? Did I push away the one person who may have been able to help me?

Agh I'm so stupid.

Through the lights, I can see the stars twinkling in the sky counting down my last few hours. I haven't seen or heard from my district partner, but maybe it's for the best because she's the enemy too. But can I kill her?

No.

Yes.

I don't know.

If I'm faced with living or dying, I'm sure I'm going to strike back. I'm sure I'm going to do what I can to survive because I want to make it home to my family. Citadel was the only person who came to say goodbye - I don't blame my aunt or uncle for not showing up. Pherick had no excuse, but I know he hates me because of the perfect life I lived, but Citadel.

I have to make it home to her.

I have to.

But can I win?

If I try hard enough, I can make it out of this alive. Once inside it's truly anyone's game. I just have to plan my moves, and do what I can.

A silent tear rolls down the side of my face as I place the paper on the ground. Driving the pen into it, I try to find the words to write down, but nothing makes sense in my fragile mind. What can I say? I should talk to her face to face. I should be a man and face her, but I can't because I'm afraid she'll try to kill me.

(Katelyn,
I know that I have done wrong.)

No that won't work.

I'm ready to bash my own skull off the wall because I don't know what else to do. Scratching through the words, I rest my head against the wall before drawing my knees to my chest.

Think, Rolf. Think.

(Katelyn,
I'm sorry.)

Why is this so hard? I just want to make things right before I die, and I'm not going to get the chance. It's too late, and she'll never forgive me anyway. Why would she?

I threatened her tributes.

A heavy sigh leaves my chest as my gaze shoots towards the sky once more. Somewhere above Chaske is roaming through another part of the world.

What should I do, brother? I need you. I really need you.

Raising my hands, I wipe the tears away before they form. I'm so alone in this. Nobody cares. Everyone wants me dead. I want them dead because I want to survive. But who doesn't want to? Everyone wants to go home.

(Katelyn,
I didn't mean what I said.)

No, that won't work either because I meant every single word of it. Did I?

I sigh quietly.

(Katelyn,
I forgive you.
Rolf)

Nothing else is needed, and I hope she understands. It's not as good as telling her to her face, however, this will have to do since I need to let this go because it's eating me alive. It's keeping me from sleeping, and I need my sleep tonight before heading off into the arena. I'm sure it's going to be a long time before I sleep again. Who knows, my next sleep may be permanent.

Wadding the piece of paper up once more, I stand up from the seated position. Once inside, I pocket the pen, and head towards the district nine floor. And I discard of the wadded up piece of paper on the district eleven floor. Part of me wonders if she'll find it, but the other part doesn't care.

It's too late to become friends now because she's already made it clear.

I just hope it's enough, and I hope she understands.

It's my last wish before I die, and maybe one day I'll have the ability to tell her face to face. So until then, my dying words will be for her.

Unless, of course, it's too late.